I Call Them My Meltdowns

[Ayasha]

I know we all probably have terms for anxiety and panic attacks, but I refer to mine as meltdowns.

I guess it doesn't really matter what I call them because no matter what they suck and make me feel like I'm never getting better and I can't enjoy life.

This past Friday my sister convinced me to go to dinner with her class at a nearby restaurant; when I expressed my fears of melting down, she assured me she wouldn't let anyone get behind me (an easy way of setting me off, I can't help it).

The good news: I made it an hour, a whole hour despite the noise and my dislike of crowds.

The bad news: I guess at one point it got really loud, which scares me. I don't handle loud places very well because there is just too much going on and I shut down, I dissociate to escape from the anxiety and fear I guess. I think when it started to become too much I tried to just cover my ears for a moment but that moment turned into over an hour....I don't even remember, I was that far receded into my mind. My sister told me later that she didn't realize I'd gotten overwhelmed until it was too late-- I didn't respond at all.

All I remember was being terrified. My heart was pounding and I wanted to cry. In fact, when I finally made it back to my apartment I just sat on the couch and curled into a ball, shaking and crying while trying not to scream from the fear.

I hate this, I hate it so much. I feel like I can't enjoy my life because this isn't even the first time I've melted down like that. It happens almost daily and I get to a point I just don't want to leave my room. Which sucks, because I genuinely like people on my good days.

Sorry for the length, guys, I am just wondering if anyone has suggestions or even encouragement on how to keep myself from becoming a recluse.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I cannot be much help Ayesha. I am a recluse just starting to get out and socialize. I am proud of you for trying to go out with your sister. I am sorry you had a meltdown. Take baby steps I guess. Try not to tackle the whole mountain at once. Baby steps. Hugs.

 

[Ayasha]

Thank you, Gizmo.

I'm just trying not to be too angry with myself, because that was too much. We agreed to plan in advance next time, strategies to keep me occupied or to drown out some of the noise. I love socializing with people on a good day, but when I'm in a crowded restaurant I can't hear or understand what people are saying anyway so I end up receding anyway. It's something to work on, I just get frustrated.

 

[Ted Moen]

You did we'll, Ayasha. Keep trying, but always have an exit plan and share it with the people around you, and give yourself permission to use it. Two things will likely develop. First the fact that you have an exit plan that you have shared will reduce some of the anxiety and panic. And secondly, as you experience success at participating in activities and relationships you will gradually shift your focus from the fear of the anxiety and panic, and checking your emotional watch for time to execute your exit plan, to enjoying participating.

Baby steps. We have the rest of our life to work on this. No hurry :)

Ted

 

[Maggiemay]

*hugs*

I relate big time! I just wish I had some advice to help you xxx

 

[Deleted member 12723]

An exit plan is a good idea. I need to make them for myself. What a great idea. Thank you so much.

 

[Shellbell]

Ayasha, although you were feeling so bad by the time you got home, you did well braving crowds and noise.

Exit plans are good as they make you feel less trapped. Knowing you can leave anytime you need to is good too. Breathing techniques are really helpfull with anxiety. Socializing with PTSD is hard and needs to be approached with baby steps, so not to overwhelm.

 

[Lady Vet]

I am just wondering if anyone has suggestions or even encouragement on how to keep myself from becoming a recluse.

Reading this post makes so much sense. I have a lot to think about, but you put into words very well what I have been just "responding" to. To read how someone else experiences this in a very similar way makes me see that I'm not crazy, that it's part of the symptom. The loud noise, this shuts me down too. People don't understand. Also, I just get anxious to be in a large croud, and not just about the noise, but it's a feeling like I'm not able to control things. Whew! Lots to think about after reading this. Thank you, Ayesha.

But in terms of offering helpful suggestions to keep from becoming a recluse? lol...Well, said one recluse to another, I don't have a clue! :) So I love this thread, and I can't wait to see how other posters respond. Thanks for sharing!

 

[Lady Vet]

I know we all probably have terms for anxiety and panic attacks, but I refer to mine as meltdowns.

Oh...and I call mine meltdowns, too...because that is exactly what it feels like :) Awful things!

 

[Ayasha]

A lack of control is what really seems to make me meltdown, I've noticed. I just like to at least know then environment and people, it makes me feel safer.

While I'm sorry that other people experience this, it does make me feel better to know I'm not alone in trying to become comfortable in a crowd.

I'm still not looking forward to telling this story to my counselor.

~Ayasha

 

[Lady Vet]

While I'm sorry that other people experience this, it does make me feel better to know I'm not alone in trying to become comfortable in a crowd.

I feel exactly the same way...and told my T this exact statement earlier today. I think this truth is what makes this forum so important. I know for me, th forum has released a corked valve of pressure that I didn't even know existed. Thank you, Ayesha for sharing your experience...it helps me (us) too!

And good luck with the telling to your T :)

 

[Lady Vet]

when I'm in a crowded restaurant I can't hear or understand what people are saying anyway so I end up receding anyway

Ayesha...this is something that I also experience. I thought I had hearing problems, but my hearing test came back "normal." I have done other research on this, and what I found is that this symptom is consistent with a cognitive processing disorder. The problem is that it is mostly diagnosed in children. BUT, my doctor at the VA has said that she sees it in a lot of vets with PTSD. I have come to believe that it's a PTSD-related issue that may not be well documented yet. I, myself, am trying to find a doctor who can do some testing to find out, but I don't know how yet. If you learn anything, I would appreciate the information :)