Relationship Sufferer Asked For Space And You Didn't Give It

[Saec]

Like right now? All I feel is guilt. And I want to tell him I'm so sorry for not leaving him alone. But therein lies the problem.....if I text him to tell him I'm sorry for not leaving him alone, then I'm not leaving him alone. My brain gets this. My heart doesn't want to listen. Thankfully now I'm in a different place so it's not even something I would consider anymore. But I just kinda wanted to explain how my mind had been working....

 

[Abstract]

I think that is what I am getting at in a way. Do you think a big part of what is driving you is not how much you care for him (I realise you do) but rather the feeling that you are out of control of the situation and need to defend and explain yourself?

It isn't about blame at all in my opinion. He would have PTSD if you stood on your head and turned purple and some of that would probably involve trust issues.

What I would find out for your own sake and your future happiness is what hooked you into this dynamic to such an extent. It is normal to want explanations and contact when someone withdraws and without explanation but then there normally comes a time when the need stops or self preservation kicks in.

I hope this doesn't sound psycho babble but does this feeling and dynamic remind you of any in the past? Especially with a parent. You trying harder and harder to make things right and explain yourself.

 

[Saec]

I think that is what I am getting at in a way. Do you think a big part of what is driving you is not how much you care for him (I realise you do) but rather the feeling that you are out of control of the situation and need to defend and explain yourself?

I think you might be right. I care bout him so much and I don't want to disrespect him at all but I keep getting this urge to just explain myself to him. And I definitely feel out of control of the situation. I haven't had control over anything since he left with no explanation to what happened and its been so painful.

Thankfully I seem to have pulled my thoughts together enough to finally realize that if I don't leave him alone I may never hear from him again. And I also am starting to realize that if he doesn't want to talk to me, nothing I say is going to change that. It's just been so difficult. Thank you for you responses though. I really do appreciate them.

 

[Saec]

I am afraid at this point though I've pushed him away to the point of never feeling like he would want to contact me again. I just don't know that he would ever forgive me for not giving him space after he asked me repeatedly for it, or even just have an urge to talk to me. He already feels like afghan wasn't real, whatever that means to him, and says he doesn't have those feelings for me. It's almost as if he doesn't have any attachment to what we were in afghan at all, and I don't know why. And he says he doesn't know why. But yet I still hold out how that if I leave him alone he'll contact me in the future.

 

[Abstract]

I I just don't know that he would ever forgive me

Sadly you are still caught up in the same thinking. This is not about forgiveness or blame. He certainly won't be doing what he is for those reasons. I really think you need to bring it back to why you feel you need to ask for "forgiveness" and make this entirely about that.

 

[discarded]

Hi Saec, I get what you are saying completely. I understand your need to communicate with him, to let him know what you are thinking, to feel wanted in his life. I understand when you say that your rational self knows that you should give him space and leave him alone but your emotional self leads you to behave in what seems like an irrational manner. When you commit yourself to a relationship and everything is going great, then suddenly everything is turned upside down, it is natural to want answers and feel like your feelings should be equally important.

After 28 years together, PTSD has finally won, my husband isolated from me completely. When I pushed for answers all I got was 'I don't love you anymore, I'm not sure when I stopped loving you'. They were the most painful words I had ever heard. I had devoted my life to this man, gave up so much for him and his military career. I felt used and like all those years were a lie. I left him 4 months ago. For the first month I was in touch constantly and all it gave me was more pain.

It was after I left him that I found the forum and learned a lot about PTSD. I learned that maybe he doesn't mean all that he said. Maybe one day he will have answers. He needed space but didn't know how to ask for it. I took it all personally and I am still coming terms with it all. Don't beat yourself up about what you have done by texting constantly. You can't go back and change it, you can only start changing things from now. The hardest thing I have had to accept is that I can't help him and he sure doesn't want me to right now. I have slowly learned to back off and leave him be. It isn't easy and I am in a lot of emotional pain but I am not adding to his problems anymore.

Try to be strong, find something positive to fill your time, take one day at a time. Try writing down in a book what you would like to text him and why, but don't text it to him. I found this helped me a lot. Being involved with a sufferer often feels like a onesided deal and it is unfair, but I guess it is also unfair that they have endured a trauma to get them to where they are.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I've been in both of these scenarios.

I have PTSD and I isolate because I can't deal with the additional stress of close friendships or relationships. I have either fallen out with friends because I've tried to stay friends whilst I am becoming more and more paranoid about them. Or (more often) I've tried to isolate with an 'it's not you, it's me' style email, occassionally it's worked, but more often I find myself being blamed for the hurt I've caused, however politely I do it.

I've lost friends permenently doing this. I think that people like to feel secure in their relationships, and not have the stress of being friends with someone who is fine one minute and doesn't want to speak to anyone the next. I would urge you to consider if this is something you can live with.

On the other side of the coin, when I've felt that someone is mis-interpreting what I'm saying, my feelings or my intentions, I want to run after them in the belief that if I can just explain better, they won't be so angry or they won't hate me. I feel like it's all my fault and I want to make it better.

In that situation, I realised that some things aren't my responsibility (or my fault) and that I can't do anything to change the situation.I accept I could have handled things better and I learned from it, and that was my responsibility - what the other person does isn't and never was.

None of us are perfect, but I think you have to accept what is there without blaming yourself or him, and wait and see what will happen in the future.

 

[Saec]

A lot of it is I just plain miss him. I think about him and get a sinking feeling in my heart because it feels like something is missing. We were so close for awhile and then it was just gone - so of course it feels a little empty now. I still go out, I still have my work, I still live. But I miss him. And that's when my mind wonders how he can't miss me since we were so close. It just feels like his feelings are completely gone, and it is confusing and hurts.

 

[discarded]

Yep, it is confusing and it does hurt, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it from his perspective. It sucks but it is just the way it is.