What To Never Say To A Ptsd Sufferer

[LizardViolet]

I understand what you are going through.
I can help you if you would just let me.
Just talk to me, tell me what is going through your mind.
It is time you got some help.
I can come with you if it helps.
I deserve better than the way you treat me.
Why won't you let me help you?
I love you more than you will ever know.

Supporter here. I don't say that I understand what my sufferer is going through, because I can't.

Perhaps the person speaking those words can help you, and perhaps they can't. Perhaps talking to them will help, and perhaps it won't. Perhaps you don't want help. Perhaps you don't want the help offered by that person. Perhaps you don't want the love offered by that person. But there's one thing there that resonates for me.

I'm sorry if I'm interjecting in a place where I don't belong, but many supporters are treated horribly and they do deserve better. I deserve better. I put up with it because I am trying to be supportive, but it takes a serious toll on me and on many other supporters. I put up with it because, yes, I love my boyfriend, and he has accepted and returned my affection and told me in the ways that he can that he wants me around. But I sure as hell wish he would treat me better, and I sure as hell wish he would get some help.

 

[MissMacD]

Haha, if people try to play therapist with me I take a strip out of them and remind them that they are not qualified for that role.

 

[discarded]

It seems as a supporter I have done everything wrong, my sufferer isolates from me all the time. This is a man I have been married to for 28 years, 7 with PTSD. He refuses treatment, he refuses my help, my support and my love.

 

[Sailorgal]

I remember when my ex would try to talk to me....I don't even remember hearing him at all. It was as if I was in another room. Now watching the movie AI, I understand what it is to be like a robot. Depending on where the sufferers are at, supporters need to realize this. It's easy to say "you are in control." Yeah, tell that to someone who just got tossed in the fire! Even someone going to a therapist for years may still be in the same place in their mental hell. It's just how it is. PTSD is the surface problem for many where the REAL issues may be lurking below. :confused:

 

[Tanishq]

PTSD is the surface problem for many where the REAL issues may be lurking below. :confused:

I understood something. Most people are habituated to surface problems and they can't see the real things lying inside it. Real reasons of problem and they go on saying, you are making excuses. You're all right and so on...

Thank you Sailorgal. This happened to me many times.

It seems as a supporter I have done everything wrong, my sufferer isolates from me all the time. This is a man I have been married to for 28 years, 7 with PTSD. He refuses treatment, he refuses my help, my support and my love.

I am sorry to hear that. Safe and gentle hug to you.

Haha, if people try to play therapist with me I take a strip out of them and remind them that they are not qualified for that role.

Oh brave Miss Mac D. It's easier to pretend, but difficult to be helpful.

I put up with it because I am trying to be supportive, but it takes a serious toll on me and on many other supporters.

I think it is very tough to be supporter for someone who is going through PTSD. Much tougher than sufferer.

 

[MissMacD]

I am mostly nice about it, try not to be a meanie :laugh: - bravery has gotten me through lots of tough times! There are very few people that I talk to about my PTSD and the few that do know about it know how to approach me because we have talked about the best ways to approach me depending on the situation so that most of the time everyone wins and nobody gets their feelings hurt. The rest I bite my tongue and take it out on my punching bag when I get home. :cool:

 

[Tanishq]

I do not lose my temper, I am just very, very straight forward,

CrazyHorse, I do love clear and straight forward talk. I am interested in such talk.

- I never meant to hurt you - Things could be a lot worse. Look at all the suffering in the world. - You have a great opportunity right now. Why won't you capitalize on it?

:laugh: To be honest with you, my most FB friends tell me this when I do chat with them. Just normal chat.

Sometimes I think, did I ask them for advice? or people stopped having normal talk?

"think positive" guarantees results.

Have heard this countless times. Good people don't become negative on purpose or begin to think negatively. It happens to everyone.

I think some people believe, we don't have any inside battle.

my dad always says that.

Britt, My parents and surroundings did tell me. I took a look at their life and I found they got the worse. Not I.:eek:

When I heard this, I did feel bad and scared. Now not anymore. I learned people love to project on others when they have failed in any certain area of life.

 

[Britt.f7]

I think supporters must have it difficult too. Having a supporter reply here made me really think about it. I'm sure there are times when it seems nothing you do or say will be right. I'm sure, as a survivor, there are times when I think my supporter does or says nothing helpful. For the most part I can say, hey this is not helping me right now. Sometimes I can't.

However, there are some things you can and can not control. For one thing, no matter how much you love a person you do not have to suffer from abuse. I get the anger part of a survivor, but that does not give me the right to be abusive and sometimes you have to call someone on that. It could be they don't realize it or it could be they think you are okay with being a punching bag.

I don't want my supporter to be an enabler. I don't want him to put up with abuse. I don't want to be responsible for his well being or whether he is happy or not. I hope I can contribute to the good in his life, but I don't want to be responsible for him anymore then I want him responsible for me.

I don't want him to fix my problems. I don't want someone to say they can fix my problems. Sometimes I just need them to ride with me, to listen, to let me work it out on my own. I need to regain control. I am often fighting for that control.

So, please don't tell me you will fix me, or that you understand, if you really don't...just hold my hand, even if metaphorically. Let me know that you are there if I need you and even when I think I don't. But don't enable me, that is not helping.

 

[Mercy]

"You used to be in better control." "It's been 20 years and a fortune to therapists, why isn't it (ptsd) gone by now." Hell...o, Talk therapists encourage me to not hide my ptsd symptoms, not to disassociate, be present. Guess what, my supporter thinks I am worse off.

Duh, I hid it all for 10 of those years because I knew he would use it against me to win an argument. I fell silent the first time he did that. Now my family thinks that I shouldn't ever mention anything related to ptsd. I even heard that one of my kids thinks I'm making it up as an excuse to be lazy.......

 

[Sailorgal]

However, there are some things you can and can not control. For one thing, no matter how much you love a person you do not have to suffer from abuse. I get the anger part of a survivor, but that does not give me the right to be abusive and sometimes you have to call someone on that. It could be they don't realize it or it could be they think you are okay with being a punching bag.

I know we all agree no abuse regardless of who it is - spouse, children, or parents - no abuse is acceptable. PTSD just gets us going and I think there is where backing off helps or prevents the frustration.

Sometimes I just need them to ride with me, to listen, to let me work it out on my own. I need to regain control. I am often fighting for that control.

Yes, yes, yes! A lot of that anger isn't directed at the supporter. Sometimes the "try to control it" causes us to become more frustrated because we can't control our pain. If you need to walk away, do it but not in a "you need to get a hold of yourself" manner. Maybe a simple, "I'll be right back." Don't treat us like we are the problem or that you are abandoning us. Even "I'm sorry it hurts" is ok. Just let us "breathe."

 

[who am i kim]

"Soldier on" Mum says this one and I hate it.

"The sun will come out tomorrow" is another.

Mum comes out with all the old sayings as they where taught to have a carry on attitude no matter what, they just do not understand. That is why I am sure that there is a few skeletons in the family cupboard like an aunt taken to the sanatorium that I do not know about. lol

 

[MissMacD]

who am i kim, when I feel as low as I can get there is so much murk and crud overgrown to the path to the sun that counting on it to come out is nothing more than disappointment. Lately the rare occasions it does come out I bask in it for as long as I can because I don't know the next time it will be there again. In many ways it is highly depressing to mostly live in the dark with minimal good days.

I feel very fortunate that I live in this era with PTSD because even thirty years ago I could have been carted off to a sanatorium and shocked silly and given cereal bowls of pills.