Take Me To Your Leader?

[rightkindofme]

Yup. I pre-screen therapists on the phone. I tell them, "I have experienced a depth and breadth of trauma that very few people survive. When I am talking to you it is not ok for you to flinch. It is not ok for you to exclaim, "Oh dear!" or "Oh no!" or anything similar. If you are anything other than a blank wall I will get up and walk out." It has helped tons.

I married a man with Aspergers so that we could be socially awkward together. It's really perfect. He likes that I am able to say, "When I do ___ I want you to do _____" because he has spent his entire life not knowing what to do. I'm darn sure how I want to be treated. I just have to give him the details. He wants to hear them.

This is the first relationship I have had where I haven't felt bad and disgusting all of the time. How I cope with life is just not normal.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Gosh - looking at the other responses to this thread prompts further reflections,

Indeed, I too have inadvertently played 'Scare the Therapist' with a tale of complex and interrelated horror that begs the question how I might still be alive. No need in this instance to elaborate, but some very dark aspect of my self wishes indeed that I could fashion the following machine:

The machine in question would:​

• Transport many a personal detractor back in time to experience the stresses and inadequate if not wholly abusive 'social support' network availed in the multifaceted circumstance and inescapable socioeconomic place of my youth. The same wildly dysfunctional and complex abuse legacies would be the 'playing ground' they'd not only be set down upon, but would cognitively develop and mature within. Want to give it a whirl? Step right inside...
• Would have functionality that would trace temptations indulged in by test subjects even as I myself never self-medicated, never physically assaulted anyone, and somehow sidestepped suicide. Ever see John Cusack in the film '1408' with the hotel room effectively daring our protagonist to kill himself for the nonstop playback of his traumatic memories? If the reader has viewed such, then a sense of what for so-long has been experienced by this writer will be captured.
• Would have the same cast of desperately unequipped 'professionals' in institutional settings at the ready to afford 'care' as then-defined. My personal biology would also be taken on, in specific relation to the wonders of psycho-pharmacology, side effects, costs, etc. For example, "Gee, the medication is not having the desired effect - let's up the dosage!" Dull-witted parental 'care partners' will duly be assigned, incapable of assertion consistent with attitudinal denial, denial or alternately, blame-shift, blame-shift, blame-shift.
• The device and experience could not be aborted whence set in motion, whereas windows would be afforded to allow myself and traumatized confederates to learn lessons for peeking in at select (and decidedly ugly) moments.

Order now!​

(takes 36 AA batteries which are not included)​

I don't know precisely, but there exists maybe twenty people I'd like to experiment upon employing the above-described device. I allow for the possibility, indeed the likelihood that some discreet few would emerge as better adaptations to the exact circumstances. Two, three people perhaps...

And what of the others? Homeless, institutionalized, a handful of suicides, ugly and violent interpersonal relations for non-reflective mimicking of interpersonal relation templates afforded, addictions up the wazoo, and much else I can only speculate about would in all likelihood feature. Some test subjects would just vanish, runaways disappearing into scenes that many fail to emerge from. A few would break the machine, with no record as to how or why something undoubtedly bad if undescribed had occurred.

Well, I wanted a Christmas gift, this was it, and sadly I'm still waiting. With kind regards to the community that 'knows with a nod' whilst not strictly needing to articulate what we all recognize as hurt...


M.

 

[who am i kim]

Always been an Alien, everyone thought I was strange, odd, different. No one understood that was the way I was born. I love the Alien title it fits way better than the other titles.

 

[p-no]

When I am talking to you it is not ok for you to flinch. It is not ok for you to exclaim, "Oh dear!" or "Oh no!" or anything similar.

I should start this if I ever start another therapy. This p**ses me off at my current therapy (that I am not intending to go back to, for this but also other reasons); I told her some things (real minor stuff) and she flinches and ohs and ahs. And that's the minor stuff, like nothing, and I even "introduced her to the subjects" that way and still she flinches and all. Oh well. Thanks for the tip.

 

[Hashi]

I used to literally be a card-carrying alien. It was my ID card when I lived in Japan as a foreign national (Alien Registration Card). Maybe many of us are entitled to that ID!

 

[rightkindofme]

I should start this if I ever start another therapy. This p**ses me off at my current therapy ...Oh well. Thanks for the tip.

I look for substance abuse specialists. They tend to have the skills to hear the really hard stuff. Even though I am not an alcoholic and I've only smoked pot for a few years on a medical card I just do better with people who have more experience with poor/rough backgrounds. And oh man do I gravitate towards black women like a magnet. That is the demographic of therapist who seems to be able to explain things to me in ways I can't minimize or ignore. I'm sure that is terrible.

 

[CrazyHorse]

I feel like ET phoning home. Only to find a disconnected line!

 

[saffy]

Hi einzelganger

My girlfriend teases me that I am in fact an alien from another planet.

She might be saying that she loves you just the way you are. Like a term of endearment. (you are my special little alien)

There is must be something so wrong with me that I can’t even give a heart-felt apology right.”

when you were young were you ever taught you how to, or given you a genuine heartfelt apology? In this case how would you know how to give or receive one?

I feel so alone. Does anyone else feel like an alien? Like you are so different from others?

Yes we are very similar creatures (excuse the pun) I am a similar age and yes sometimes feel like nothing makes sense or I am just different to everyone. I am unique though, and so are you :)

Part of my journey is taking me to realise that I have no understanding of intimacy and respect and trust. I had no idea what the concept of boundaries and assertiveness, I am just learning about this now, was. I never new these existed, I just thought that people were more sane or smarter than me when they were actually asserting their boundaries, needs and are able to be intimate without fear. I did not understand what mutual respect was.

Which will lead to what your quote below. Having never learnt conversational and good behaviour skills I can feel well out of my depth and also feel like you.

I feel unsafe and unsure of how to be normal. Forcing myself to appear normal all the while just wanting to hide and be left alone.

I am also learning about self esteem and self confidence, both of which I lack, which does not help either. :)

I am taking a personal journey to learn all the things I should have and it is helping. I hope you can also find something from this.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

I told her some things (real minor stuff) and she flinches and ohs and ahs.

I hope you do not mind me saying but You seriously need to change your therapist Prime-no as these can be construed as personal judgements and disgust.

This is not the reaction people want to see when they are trying to get away from these feelings, it just reinforces it. (I did a counselling course and this was a massive no no for that reason. I was learning person centred therapy but did not finish for personal reasons.)

I read a lot of books connected with training because it gives you a good understanding of the effects of people reactions in relation to therapy.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[einzelganger]

Thank you all for the replies.

Today, I tried to explain to my girlfriend what it was like to think and feel different then everyone else. I couldn't explain it in a way that she could understand. Which frustrated me. It's hard enough for me to know what is going on inside for myself let alone trying to explain it to someone who just doesn't have the same frame of knowledge. Where is the common ground?

In my last session, my T tried to explain it to my girlfriend what it was like having Complex PTSD. It didn't help.

Today, I realized why I am having such a hard time with this relationship. Before, I met my girlfriend I went through life numb. My emotions weren't engaged. Suddenly, I met someone who could help me feel. Now, my emotions are engaged and I can't turn them off again. They get the better of me. I don't trust myself or my thoughts while my emotions are running. I second guess everything. We have a disagreement and I end up blaming myself for making her life harder to deal with. It seems all my words come out mixed up and/or wrong and/or taken wrong.

She constantly tells me that I only see the bad in things. Maybe I do.

 

[saffy]

I couldn't explain it in a way that she could understand.

Hi einzelganger

I gave up trying to explain it to people. I thought, actually, do I really want them to experience this? Do I really want them to live it or know it? Why should I try to teach something that is bad. Instead I use them to teach me that their are other ways to think or feel and need them just to be there. Just a thought :)

The weight lifted after me realising I do not have to do this was immense, it freed up so much head noise I could concentrate better on positive things. Which bring me to your next comment.

She constantly tells me that I only see the bad in things. Maybe I do

Sometimes I think we have lost so much faith in things that it is hard for us to see things positively and can only pick out the painful hurtful pieces because we still need to deal with them. I still do this but try to turn every negative into a positive. If I am feeling pain though I realise that the last thing I want is for someone else to feel this too or be hurt by understanding how bad this can be sometimes. I do not want people hurting for me I want them to encourage me to grow and share their positvity and happiness.

I hope that all makes sense.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[LizBeth1]

Alien CPTSD girl here (raises hand). ;)