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- #469
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Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope
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- Post starter
- #470
You know what I thought SG, you're right, it's just too difficult to try, to try to have a different outcome when it doesn't happen, it's too painful when it's always the same.
I'm sure- I heard someone say something about it would have been good as a kid (under, or after, the horrible experiences) to just have a hug, hear it's going to be 'ok', or even not that part. But it wasn't coming then (possibly due to 'myself'), no point wishing that 'feeling' or conclusion comes now. I can't even manage that (logically) myself.
Really, I'm 'smarter' to just accept it.
Conversely, work, changes, moving whatever- those things are somewhat in our control. It helps (me) to leave any feelings out of it. I guess we turn them off for a reason. It's easier and never painful. 'Hope' that I can change things is painful. I'll let it unfold, or not. 'Self-therapy' or 'good ideas' are not my forte, lol. :rolleyes: :tdown:
I also think, this interview got you in the swing. And if it required a 3 hour commute every day, well, that would have been exhausting, too.
You will be a fantastic addition to any company, but especially for the people there, too. :)
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Sailorgal)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))), xoxox.
I'm sure- I heard someone say something about it would have been good as a kid (under, or after, the horrible experiences) to just have a hug, hear it's going to be 'ok', or even not that part. But it wasn't coming then (possibly due to 'myself'), no point wishing that 'feeling' or conclusion comes now. I can't even manage that (logically) myself.
Really, I'm 'smarter' to just accept it.
Conversely, work, changes, moving whatever- those things are somewhat in our control. It helps (me) to leave any feelings out of it. I guess we turn them off for a reason. It's easier and never painful. 'Hope' that I can change things is painful. I'll let it unfold, or not. 'Self-therapy' or 'good ideas' are not my forte, lol. :rolleyes: :tdown:
I also think, this interview got you in the swing. And if it required a 3 hour commute every day, well, that would have been exhausting, too.
You will be a fantastic addition to any company, but especially for the people there, too. :)
(((((((((((((((((((((((((Sailorgal)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))), xoxox.
- Post starter
- #471
I know exactly what it is, or have the words (sort of :rolleyes: ),if this makes sense to anyone at all.
For years and years and years, I've tried to follow what 'they' say, do not be co-dependent and such. I agree. But so many things are simply not 'me'. Since a child, and my whole life, I've always enjoyed- it brough me happiness- being part of trying to help others achieve their dreams. I had no dreams, except when I was maybe 19 on and wanted to work with poor children in Mexico. And maybe in my 'old age', if I could achieve it financially, to open an orphanage. In my 20's I thought even Africa, not because I wanted to ever go there, but just had a 'feeling', that would be a place.
And I have never been competitive- ever. Unless it applies to someone else's gain. In the sense that, I loved playing games, but would throw them if someone else wanted to win (they would feel badly). I played Monopoly once, is all I can say. And in school- sports- ok put me as an anchor on a relay and I could fly. Individual events, I remember looking back at everyone struggling and letting them pass me, despite the fact I had 10 times the endurance and speed left. (It's funny- not skill or in shape- just ptsd makes you run fast when chased. :) I used to go for a cigarette during laps in the School Arts bathroom. :rolleyes: )
Or dating, I always tried to set up who I was with, with anyone who really really wished 'they' were the ones asked, or liked the guy. I even stuck with one guy for years, more so because of his dreams (vocationally). But it was ok.
Same applies to saying I won 'bingo' (not just shyness), or shopping. If there's 'one' left, if it's for me I usually don't care. If it's for others, I'll 'fight' for it.
Or riding/ competing, I'd do it for the horse.
Or gifts, I love them, for a day- I know that sounds ungrateful. But then I'm happy someone else can have them.
But I do feel happy, not shorted.
I should have gone into a field like a war zone, a correspondent or Military. Because, especially now, I don't have connections to leave behind, I don't fear death, either. I mean, as my grandma used to say, "live while you're living you're a long time dead". She was joyful and feisty and full of life and people called her 'holy'- she was good. But she'd say it happily to her 90 year old 'peers', when they'd get into needless complaining, etc. Also, if there is Eternity, and you've lost loved ones, what is there to fear? I cannot understand how seniors who have lost their spouses don't think it would be nice to be reunited, eventually at least, if they did have the marriages or love they say they did. One said to me at work, "you won't live as long as me (she's 98) if you smoke". (I thought to myself, who'd want to? Or, specifically, if I was in a very costly 'institution' like this, I'd kill myself. :( It's everything I hope to avoid, if I'm lucky.)
At work, they spend countless hours complaining about things- everything- like the pudding. No wonder I feel lost. I think also, with my history of deaths, it'd be better to be around 'life', even children, etc. The opposite is what I mean. So many things mean more than pudding complaints.
I never thought to follow that, originally. For one thing, the emphasis was academic, not vocational. But I would have been smarter. If there is a way I can swing it, I am going to see if the Military does want an 'old fart' like me, lol. It is also useful, because unlike others I don't leave behind family etc, I am expendable (in a good way).
Whether that's all 'nuts' or not, it's 'me'. It's always been 'me'. Trying to be some way else just is useless and depressing and anti-me.
For years and years and years, I've tried to follow what 'they' say, do not be co-dependent and such. I agree. But so many things are simply not 'me'. Since a child, and my whole life, I've always enjoyed- it brough me happiness- being part of trying to help others achieve their dreams. I had no dreams, except when I was maybe 19 on and wanted to work with poor children in Mexico. And maybe in my 'old age', if I could achieve it financially, to open an orphanage. In my 20's I thought even Africa, not because I wanted to ever go there, but just had a 'feeling', that would be a place.
And I have never been competitive- ever. Unless it applies to someone else's gain. In the sense that, I loved playing games, but would throw them if someone else wanted to win (they would feel badly). I played Monopoly once, is all I can say. And in school- sports- ok put me as an anchor on a relay and I could fly. Individual events, I remember looking back at everyone struggling and letting them pass me, despite the fact I had 10 times the endurance and speed left. (It's funny- not skill or in shape- just ptsd makes you run fast when chased. :) I used to go for a cigarette during laps in the School Arts bathroom. :rolleyes: )
Or dating, I always tried to set up who I was with, with anyone who really really wished 'they' were the ones asked, or liked the guy. I even stuck with one guy for years, more so because of his dreams (vocationally). But it was ok.
Same applies to saying I won 'bingo' (not just shyness), or shopping. If there's 'one' left, if it's for me I usually don't care. If it's for others, I'll 'fight' for it.
Or riding/ competing, I'd do it for the horse.
Or gifts, I love them, for a day- I know that sounds ungrateful. But then I'm happy someone else can have them.
But I do feel happy, not shorted.
I should have gone into a field like a war zone, a correspondent or Military. Because, especially now, I don't have connections to leave behind, I don't fear death, either. I mean, as my grandma used to say, "live while you're living you're a long time dead". She was joyful and feisty and full of life and people called her 'holy'- she was good. But she'd say it happily to her 90 year old 'peers', when they'd get into needless complaining, etc. Also, if there is Eternity, and you've lost loved ones, what is there to fear? I cannot understand how seniors who have lost their spouses don't think it would be nice to be reunited, eventually at least, if they did have the marriages or love they say they did. One said to me at work, "you won't live as long as me (she's 98) if you smoke". (I thought to myself, who'd want to? Or, specifically, if I was in a very costly 'institution' like this, I'd kill myself. :( It's everything I hope to avoid, if I'm lucky.)
At work, they spend countless hours complaining about things- everything- like the pudding. No wonder I feel lost. I think also, with my history of deaths, it'd be better to be around 'life', even children, etc. The opposite is what I mean. So many things mean more than pudding complaints.
I never thought to follow that, originally. For one thing, the emphasis was academic, not vocational. But I would have been smarter. If there is a way I can swing it, I am going to see if the Military does want an 'old fart' like me, lol. It is also useful, because unlike others I don't leave behind family etc, I am expendable (in a good way).
Whether that's all 'nuts' or not, it's 'me'. It's always been 'me'. Trying to be some way else just is useless and depressing and anti-me.
Dear Junebug....
You have such a huge, giving heart. You deserve to be a bit selfish and think of yourself. Your happiness is just as important. But I hear you about thinking about others. You have a natural hospitality cultivated by your upbringing. It's a very beautiful gift. I just hope you see that it's different than you feeling like you don't deserve the same. :)
It is annoying to hear complaints about minor things in life especially when we have been exposed to traumatic ones and get no sympathy or support, just guilt and blame. I don't think you need to go to the military to feel justified. You have offered a lot right here on this forum. :hug:
A little gift for you Junebug. A photo from our trip last summer. This is what we saw for most of 5 weeks. Lots of great food and drinks, mostly bloody mary's though. Small islands everywhere. Sometimes I was out front putting up the sails and other times steering in the back. Not many action shots of me! Ha! I miss the times. Can you believe that it took me months to finally be able to look back and have good memories? I soo regret so much. I miss him so much.....
As for changing things, we can't change people. We can only change our message. Self-therapy....you mean to build yourself up? Or thinking that self-talk will change the outcome? I'm a bit confused by that.
Ok back to the spiced rum.....**refilling cup**
You have such a huge, giving heart. You deserve to be a bit selfish and think of yourself. Your happiness is just as important. But I hear you about thinking about others. You have a natural hospitality cultivated by your upbringing. It's a very beautiful gift. I just hope you see that it's different than you feeling like you don't deserve the same. :)
You were quite the rebellious one! That comment made me laugh as it gave me visuals. I'm glad you didn't get kicked out of school though.
It is annoying to hear complaints about minor things in life especially when we have been exposed to traumatic ones and get no sympathy or support, just guilt and blame. I don't think you need to go to the military to feel justified. You have offered a lot right here on this forum. :hug:
A little gift for you Junebug. A photo from our trip last summer. This is what we saw for most of 5 weeks. Lots of great food and drinks, mostly bloody mary's though. Small islands everywhere. Sometimes I was out front putting up the sails and other times steering in the back. Not many action shots of me! Ha! I miss the times. Can you believe that it took me months to finally be able to look back and have good memories? I soo regret so much. I miss him so much.....
As for changing things, we can't change people. We can only change our message. Self-therapy....you mean to build yourself up? Or thinking that self-talk will change the outcome? I'm a bit confused by that.
Ok back to the spiced rum.....**refilling cup**
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- #473
Dear Sailorgal, thank you for sharing that. And -always- for your kindness to me. And so many. You are such a beautiful person. :inlove: :hug:
What you've said is true- you've had so much to deal with in just the recent past, please don't lose hope. The only thing I know is, good follows the bad.
Self therapy- I just mean "do it yourself" (therapy). Somhow it's easier on paper than real life. :eek:
I realize it's a constant battle to determine what thoughts are too negative, as compared to 'being realistic'. But ptsd has no shortage of fear, and sorrow.
It will get better SG, really. :hug: ((((((((((((((Sweet Sailorgal, xoxox))))))))))))).
What you've said is true- you've had so much to deal with in just the recent past, please don't lose hope. The only thing I know is, good follows the bad.
Self therapy- I just mean "do it yourself" (therapy). Somhow it's easier on paper than real life. :eek:
I realize it's a constant battle to determine what thoughts are too negative, as compared to 'being realistic'. But ptsd has no shortage of fear, and sorrow.
It will get better SG, really. :hug: ((((((((((((((Sweet Sailorgal, xoxox))))))))))))).
- Post starter
- #475
That's ok SG, I don't expect anyone could.
For what it's worth, I hope your 'friend' has some compassion and you can work something out.
Oddly enough, sometimes those with the worst words have better actions (sometimes).
I myself have been 'hopeful of healing' for nothing.
((((((((((Sailorgal, xox))))))))))
For what it's worth, I hope your 'friend' has some compassion and you can work something out.
Oddly enough, sometimes those with the worst words have better actions (sometimes).
I myself have been 'hopeful of healing' for nothing.
((((((((((Sailorgal, xox))))))))))
(((Junebug)))
Well another day. I won't be able to stay much longer no doubt.
Hope you aren't working too hard. As for self-therapy, hmmm I think I prefer to call it self-motivation. :)
Yes PTSD has no shortage of fear. It likes to grow quickly, eh?
Thanks sooo much for your sweet words!!!! You indeed are special and have a lot to give (and receive as well. :)
Well another day. I won't be able to stay much longer no doubt.
Hope you aren't working too hard. As for self-therapy, hmmm I think I prefer to call it self-motivation. :)
Yes PTSD has no shortage of fear. It likes to grow quickly, eh?
Thanks sooo much for your sweet words!!!! You indeed are special and have a lot to give (and receive as well. :)
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- #477
So do you SG. So ARE you. :hug:
I understand today the meaning of 'lukewarm and indifferent'. Or 'cold and indifferent'. That indifference is the opposite of caring, nothing else.
Perhaps your friend will relent.
You know, it occurred to me, in all that we feel we've caused, or pain we've caused, or regret, or what we take responsibility for, we ourselves have choices, choices to have our own regrets, and not want to be around people who don't care. Yes, we've let others down, but they have too as well. We can park our brains at the door for only so long, we are aware, we do remember, we do have feelings, and we do have choices.
((((((((((((((Sailorgal))))))))))))))
I understand today the meaning of 'lukewarm and indifferent'. Or 'cold and indifferent'. That indifference is the opposite of caring, nothing else.
Perhaps your friend will relent.
You know, it occurred to me, in all that we feel we've caused, or pain we've caused, or regret, or what we take responsibility for, we ourselves have choices, choices to have our own regrets, and not want to be around people who don't care. Yes, we've let others down, but they have too as well. We can park our brains at the door for only so long, we are aware, we do remember, we do have feelings, and we do have choices.
((((((((((((((Sailorgal))))))))))))))
Thanks dear Junebug. I don't think so. Maybe 3 weeks but I have to make a plan. Indifferent is a good way to put it. Lukewarm is more superficial to me...not sure which way it goes.
And you are exactly right-we do have feelings and we have choices. And others have failed us too. This is why I was always single and independent. You believe someone and.... Sigh...
How are you doing this week?
And you are exactly right-we do have feelings and we have choices. And others have failed us too. This is why I was always single and independent. You believe someone and.... Sigh...
How are you doing this week?
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- #479
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- #480
Well SG, opposite problem to you, called me this am to fill- though won't know for certain til thursday- 'any or all' shifts for the person who works my schedule on the days off. Until they replace the position (maternity leave but would post).
Have you thought of elder care? They need compassionate people, too.
Yes SG, I think I've spent so much time realizing what a burden I have been. I feel badly if I second-guess them, I look to my expectations, or some reason "I" am wrong, not them. To this day I don't want to criticize words not matching actions, I am sure I can be the worst offender. But, that still leaves me feeling I've done something wrong. And I have. Because when others don't care, it is a nuasance (at best). You see, how can they say that, because they can't say the first? Silly, they should. I would have rathered that.
And to be honest, I don't wish anyone anything but good. Just don't have to make myself feel badly in the process, either. Best to go away.
I don't know anymore, what people say or don't. I can only go by actions and what I see/ feel/ hear/ recognize for myself.
Thanks SG, keep persevering on a connection on a working-solution with your friend. We are accustomed to being (or trying to be thankful) for any help, but it's ok it feels 'funny' when we would not treat others that way. (Or in your case, what you've given to your friend. That's a horrible, horrible position to be in, or fear to be in. )
(((((((((((((((((Sweet Sailorgal, xox )))))))))))))))))
Have you thought of elder care? They need compassionate people, too.
Yes SG, I think I've spent so much time realizing what a burden I have been. I feel badly if I second-guess them, I look to my expectations, or some reason "I" am wrong, not them. To this day I don't want to criticize words not matching actions, I am sure I can be the worst offender. But, that still leaves me feeling I've done something wrong. And I have. Because when others don't care, it is a nuasance (at best). You see, how can they say that, because they can't say the first? Silly, they should. I would have rathered that.
And to be honest, I don't wish anyone anything but good. Just don't have to make myself feel badly in the process, either. Best to go away.
I don't know anymore, what people say or don't. I can only go by actions and what I see/ feel/ hear/ recognize for myself.
Thanks SG, keep persevering on a connection on a working-solution with your friend. We are accustomed to being (or trying to be thankful) for any help, but it's ok it feels 'funny' when we would not treat others that way. (Or in your case, what you've given to your friend. That's a horrible, horrible position to be in, or fear to be in. )
(((((((((((((((((Sweet Sailorgal, xox )))))))))))))))))
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