Other Hypersexuality

[belong to live]

Any sex (an orgasm actually) creates the same "high" (chemical reaction in the brain) as oxytocin does. That is where, as the bard would say, lies the rub. It is way easier for me to have sex with someone than to have a relationship. That is what they ultimately want, right? Hell if I know. Anyone else have this problem? Since emotions are rare for me, I'm not sure I want a fix for hypersex to be honest. Just maybe control?

Hi Raven,
I think I am oversexed as well and enjoy it being one of my favourite pastimes lol.

You might see me on here quite often talking about my ex girlfriend. We had a fantastic sex life and there were a lot of exciting things I had never done before her. There was whipping,restraint with handcuffs and ties etc.

She also was very liberated saying other women were missing out on the pleasure if they had sexual hangups and said I was a good lover and she had more orgasms with me than anyone else.

She enjoyed erotic fiction and her adult daughter even bought her one for Christmas. She was laughing showing me and said 'my daughter knows me well'.

As time went on I could tell she liked to be submissive a lot although she could switch to dominance at the drop of a hat. She would say there is something about being held down and I had magic hands. She would always say 'don't be afraid to get rougher.

The risky sex was increasing and she persuaded me to pull her hair during it. One night while having sex she asked me to put my hands to her throat and choke her. I started to do it but had to stop as it just felt wrong to me. I never did it again and she never asked.

She would quite often also be very noisy and swear profanities and scream especially during orgasm. I started thinking maybe she had been sexually abused.Does it sound like this might be the case?

 

[Philippa]

Sounds like she just likes rough sex...a lot. That doesn't necessarily mean anything bad happened to her though.

 

[belong to live]

That doesn't necessarily mean anything bad happened to her though.

Something just didn't seem right. I only broke up with her a week ago. Her ex husband was a biker associate and she talked of this big life with wild parties, drugs, hot cars, boats etc. She never mentioned any sex about those times but I find it hard to believe that something may have happened. She might not have wanted to upset or make me jealous. She was very open about sex in all other ways though.

She felt like just another one of his possessions. He then went to jail for 2 years on drug charges and she lost almost everything. She struggled day to day to provide for her self and 10yr old daughter.

She always said about sexual healing and she loved the high and calming effects of it. We had a joke about a 'sex coma' that would help us get off to sleep.

 

[Philippa]

I don't want to make any assumptions, but yeah, if she was married to a biker, chances are they led a wild life...which may or may not involve abuse and sex?

Bikers don't have the best reputation for how they treat women, so it's wholly possible she did go through a lot at that period in her life, and may not wish to discuss it with anyone? Sexual healing is one thing, and if it is with someone who is loving then it can be. I don't know about 'junk food sex' though in terms of healing. Quantity does not automatically mean quality, and lots of junk food sex can leave a person empty, rather than fulfilled.

 

[belong to live]

Quantity does not automatically mean quality, and lots of junk food sex can leave a person empty, rather than fulfilled.

As our relationship went on I wanted to show her more caring, loving ways. I still enjoyed the sex but I realised she never really had the loving side of it. One night I gave her a massage for over an hour and touched her sensually and gave her the utmost in attention. We still had great sex afterwards. She had expressed an interest in Tantric previously. The next day she said no one had ever given her that much attention.

Deep down I feel she doesn't feel worthy of love and she craves it but it also makes her question that she is vulnerable and losing control and might open her self up to abandonment and heartbreak.

I say this because it seemed the more giving and loving I became, the more she would start to withdraw from me and push me away. I am living with my PTSD issues but wanted to show her love. I also was learning how to love. More than I have ever in my life.

The first time we broke up and then reconciled we met at her house. I said I wanted to be intimate with her with kissing, hugging and cuddling but no sex (I even surprised my self lol). My reason for this is that I wanted to show her I loved her for her and wasn't just using her. Her reply was 'You've slept with someone else' which simply wasn't true. This proved to me she has always used sex to get attention and she has never known real love.

When she withdraw and couldn't see beyond her pain she would project emotionally onto me saying, I didn't understand her, I don't care, I never pay her any attention and I am selfish.

I knew she felt massive pain and fear but it was so confusing hearing this as to me I had given love,attention and compassion more than I ever have. I knew she was subconsciously pushing me away as she felt she had to make a choice between me and her family. I never made her choose and only encouraged that there is always options and choices with things. For my self and son's well-being I had to call it off again.

I really feel that all her demons are trauma related.

 

[raven123]

Belong,

It sounds like something happened somewhere. If it hadn't and she has lived a life without any abuse or neglect (my definition of 'normal'), she wouldn't push you away. Lots of people out there like rough sex and/or lots of sex though so that doesn't mean anything in itself. Some just want to f*ck and not interested in something long-term till they get older. A lot of professional women are becoming just that today. NSA or casual sex and nothing more while they chart a career just like men have done and still do. Of course, there are some frigid people who are just frigid and had no abuse. Usually those types don't want sex though. Until she says, you don't know. You can assume to yourself, but I wouldn't put thoughts in her head. She might not be ready to deal with such things yet and you don't want to give her ideas.

Are you trying to find closure since you broke up? That I'm terrible and not equipped to advise on really except to say, I'm sorry it's not working out. I'm pretty blunted emotionally myself so I know such a person would be bad for me. Maybe you are better off only dealing with your own problems and adding someone else's would be way too much? Or, are you looking for someone to fix to avoid yourself? Just a thought but a question worth asking so no offense. Maybe she'll come around, too. Give it some time. Just don't give her forever to decide. Life goes by quick.

 

[belong to live]

Thanks for your reply. I know I need to continue moving through my own problems and I think you are right in saying I am avoiding. That is one of my issues and that is why I said goodbye again. It is no good for mine and my son's well-being and same for her and her daughter.

I also know deep down we really care for each other. I don't believe I was just a f*ck to her although we had a great sexual chemistry. She has no interest in having anything to do with an ex unless he is the father of her child.

She asked me to move in with her after only nine months. I didn't say no but wanted to discuss how it was all going to work. Just simple things we needed to talk about like distance from my son, what we would do with our dogs etc and she got upset and took it as if I didn't want to. To me we needed to be realistic and discuss it but she had a child like dummy spit.

I would never try say to her about the sexual hunches as I feel she needs to discover other issues about her self first. It's best at the moment if we all have space and no contact. I did however contact the psychiatrist we have both gone to with my concerns she has been misdiagnosed with ADHD.

I didn't mention this before. She has been on dexamphetamine for the last two or so years her husband was in jail. She is taking 80mg per day which is a lot by what I have heard.

At one stage she convinced me to go see him as she thought I possibly might be ADHD as well. The symptoms matched and I started a trial of dexies but not as many. They seemed to help with focus,motivation and confidence so I thought I must be.After that I went down big time, lost my job, walked out on my band and was at a big low.

That's when I saw the psychologist and she diagnosed me with PTSD. You see, 8 years ago I had a near fatal accident at work and went through a marriage split my self. I wasn't aware of 'trauma' but when I found out it all made sense. My Dad was diagnosed with PTSD as well from his time in Vietnam and we were exposed to it then as well.

With my ex, her Dad was in the navy and was violent and an alcoholic. Her Mum made the kids go to their rooms and hide under the blankets when he came home drunk. Multiple traumas for sure I think.

 

[The Albatross]

I was hyper sexual in my 20's. Though drew the line at high risk situations (for the most part). I liked the power of one on one. Apparently I am a bit of a pendulum and have swung the other way. It may normalize, but I have a sexual disfunction now and have not been able to do intimacy for quite a long time (a decade) beyond a kiss, a hug, hand holding, sleeping in the same bed.

 

[Anna]

I used to be into BDSM, and it was mainly due to the fact that I hated myself, had no self respect etc etc...Also due to abuse.

I have some permanent damage done to my body now due to the BDSM, and it is not something I look back on fondly. In fact I feel disgusted that I let somebody hurt me that badly.

 

[belong to live]

Hi, Since my last post I hadn't had any contact with my ex girlfriend for a few weeks. Out of the blue one day I received a text message from her. It read 'I need help and you are the only one that can assist me if you are willing'.

She was out of her medication of Dex amphetamine for Attention Deficit disorder. Because I was given them also for my focus issues I have said yes. I would help her in anyway I could. I am here if you need me.

We met at my house and she looked well and happy. We had a chat for about twenty minutes discussing why is it that we clash at times when we love and care for each other so much. We hugged and both said we loved each other. I was quite emotional and was crying but she did not. Having said that she knows I really do love and would help her as I would any other friend.

We started sending texts again more often. She said she missed me and she had gone to a bar and a guy had asked her on a date. She said she wasn't interested in him and all she could think about was me. I want to believe it but a tiny part of me is skeptical.

I said it feels like a part of me dies when I imagine another guy with more confidence and more to offer comes along.

I learnt about the SELF acronym in therapy recently.

S Issues with feeling safe
E Trouble regulating Emotions
L Loss of self esteem, confidence, worth and motivation amongst others
F Problems seeing a better future

I shared this with her to help her relate to my trauma and to test the water if it rings any bells with her. We are seeing each other again but we have both realised we need to have more fun, not take ourselves to seriously and be aware of each others triggers and issues.

Going well so far. Take each day at a time. I've made her aware that if I seem to be down or moody it is not her that has caused it.It's just the learning and readjustment of everything. I said please don't give up on me and she has helped me and cheered me up and opened up more to me.

Learning all the time. Recognizing my issues more and more and I know she has hers but we need to trust and not get personal and just say how each other feels even if it makes no sense to the other.

 

[Jester]

I am hypersexual because of my bipolar and PTSD as well. I was sexually abused from the age of 6 to 12, so I have an overactive sex drive. Even when I'm depressed, I want sex. The oddity is, I'm a virgin (yes, at 29). Still, porn, masturbation, and erotic stories are my outlet. I also participate in roleplay. Sometimes I've questioned how healthy my interest is, but it keeps me out of trouble for the most part. Still, if I was approached by a woman I found even slightly attractive, my virginity would probably be history very quickly. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm in control of my sexual interest, but at the same time, I love the high.

 

[anonymous]

This is a huge problem for me. My first rape was at the age of 2 which required surgery down there and left me disfigured. I think friction one some of the damaged areas is my biggest problem. Quite frequently, I become painfully aroused for no reason. It hurts but orgasm is the only way to relive myself because it will persist for days if I don't. I really do think it is because of the damage creating more friction in places where there shouldn't be without intentional stimulation.

Despite the sexual abuse I have suffered, sex is the one thing that can distract me from a flash back and make me feel safe. It makes no sense! Having someone on top of me makes me feel safe and protected, how does that work? It messes with my mind pretty bad.

I have a fascination with BDSM and would like to explore it as a form of therapy, but my spouse is very much against it.