Gf And I Broke Up... But I Don't Feel Like I Can See New People Without Hurting Her...

[saffy]

Like our ancestors... lmao.

You animal lol.

should have gone to specsavers ;)

Saffy :)

 

[Joseph_PDX]

You know it's funny that this is almost WORD FOR WORD the conversation my ex and I had (are you sure you're not him? LOL). He's a very logical, analytical guy. Oh momma mia...

I'm "mostly sure"...;-) But we very likely are cut of similar cloth. Hopefully you consider him a good egg still... lol. There are a subset of us men who really do try hard... and genuinely care and can honestly be trusted. But we often end up still failing to do the "right thing" as you said. Bleh! :-(

Joseph, bless your heart. But there is "doing a good thing" and "doing the right thing." My ex would've built me my own hospital and hired the best doctors and therapists if I wanted to. At one point I wanted counseling but there is a difference of "getting help" versus "getting healed." Healing is scary because it requires a giving and sacrifice on our part. Junebug is right that we don't trust ourselves much less trust anyone else. We don't want to do anything - just survive and breath. If we move in to the daylight, we put ourselves out there to be a target.

Aaaaah Sailorgal... this was perhaps one of the most poignant and excellent pieces of advice I could of received right now. Thank you... :-) Unfortunately it's going probably the one area where I've errored the most. f*ck... :-(

You tried doing good things but the right thing was to just show you cared and let her be. I understand the card situation - as PTSD, we play victim and tough cookie at the same time. We want you to think we are still in control somehow.

This too makes sense. Sigh... I feel for my friend. There are times when she seems so, so lost in that dynamic. She and I had some small drama over the weekend that fit the victim/tough cookie pattern you mention. I went skiing with a mutual friend and she got super, super jealous. She was wailing on me a bit about it and I didn't handle it the best... My focus will be just to give her space...let her be... let her breathe... let her survive. I agree that I should focus on doing the "right thing."

Thank you everyone...

 

[Sailorgal]

Joseph,

I'm glad some things make more sense for you now. It's hard not to want to believe someone, but in PTSD's case, you're dealing with a "few" of us (I'm not saying multiple personalities, just that we are all over the place like a pinball machine).

"Normal" people battle between two voices: yes and no, left or right, good or bad, etc. We deal with many including layers on top of the conflicting voices. Hence, her "I don't wanna have anything to do with you" while not only being jealous, but acting like you cheated on her. LOL! That laugh is because I did that ALL the time too with fear and anger. Nothing ever made sense to my ex when I was mad. But that was earlier on when things started unraveling for me. I had no real grasp of what was happening and neither does she.

I have no ill feelings towards my ex. In fact, there is no finer man I know. You sound like a great guy but only mine is better than sliced bread with peanut butter. I remain hopeful. :)

Keep the good heart Joseph.

 

[belong to live]

Everything I am reading on this forum is making me realize that what sufferers go through is really heartbreaking. I miss my guy terribly. I want to know he's OK. I want to text him, or email him, but I know this will only result in anger or me coming across as unable to let go and move forward. I am also hurt at how he just withdrew and didn't condition me on what to expect during his bad episodes.

PTSD in combination with severe depression is really a tough one to handle. I feel drained, helpless, and don't know what to do right now except that I should just try to forgive, forget, and heal.

I can empathize with your situation and wish you well. I have PTSD and recently called it off with my exgirlfriend of 10 months as we seem to end up just triggering each other. Deep down we care and love each other very much but its toxic to both of us right now. It was only a week ago when we split and we have not contacted each other.

She is diagnosed with ADHD but I suspect it is really PTSD and/or a borderline personality. I deleted her number from my phone and wrote on my whiteboard Gift to Sarah -nothing. Not because I don't care for her it's so in times of my self being sad,lonely and worrying and missing her I won't be tempted to contact her.

I'm trying to do it for my self and my son's, and also Sarah and her daughter's happiness too. I still feel sometimes like somehow 'helping' from afar. At one stage in the relationship she was resenting me trying to 'help' or 'fix' her. As I am getting treatment for my PTSD I was trying to share with her what worked for me but I realise she needs to seek her own help. Trouble is she thinks she has ADHD but I believe it to be more a 'core childhood/adolescent trauma.

 

[Joseph_PDX]

Hi and welcome Belong to Live. :-)

She is diagnosed with ADHD but I suspect it is really PTSD and/or a borderline personality

So you think that you both suffer from PTSD? Wow....

I still feel sometimes like somehow 'helping' from afar. At one stage in the relationship she was resenting me trying to 'help' or 'fix' her. As I am getting treatment for my PTSD I was trying to share with her what worked for me but I realise she needs to seek her own help. Trouble is she thinks she has ADHD but I believe it to be more a 'core childhood/adolescent trauma.

I still feel the impulse to help a lot as well. Every day in fact... grrr... But our attempts to help may actually harm. A lesson that I have learned faaaaaar too late. :cry: Lately every friendly overture I put out there to my exGF has been swatted back with some nasty retort or her ignoring me for days. In the past I thought she was just being really childish, but now I recognize that it may be her instinctual way of telling me to back off and don't touch that part of her. She may recognize deep down that to face her demons would overwhelm her and perhaps put her into a very real, very destructive tailspin. She has to be ready when she is ready...

Hell, just today I was thinking about inviting her to this exclusive National Park (The Core Enchantments in WA) should I get a permit this year... but then I realized that if I love her even as a friend I just need to leave her alone. I can't keep trying to rekindle something that will just kill us both... Maybe in time... maybe.

As SailorGal eloquently outlines above, there is a difference between doing a "good thing" and the "right thing." She may need you to stop trying to help... but only you can figure that out for yourself.

She is diagnosed with ADHD but I suspect it is really PTSD and/or a borderline personality. I deleted her number from my phone and wrote on my whiteboard Gift to Sarah -nothing. Not because I don't care for her it's so in times of my self being sad,lonely and worrying and missing her I won't be tempted to contact her.

I too have "purged" anything that reminds me of her, i.e.; Facebook, Instagram, photos, letters etc... Doing that has helped me a lot. I wish I didn't have to. But it's so painful to still love someone and be reminded constantly how you'll never get to act on that love again. Best to bury it, burn it, break it or box that shit into a new compartment in your heart and leave it there.

My best friend has drilled into me that I need to keep an "even keel" right now. Meaning that I need to focus on myself, remain non-reactionary, don't do anything too dramatic... just be...stay on a very steady course in life. I really believe that if you embrace a similiar approach your yearning for her will get easier to handle. It's the only way I've been able to survive personally...

 

[scorpio2012]

My best friend has drilled into me that I need to keep an "even keel" right now. Meaning that I need to focus on myself, remain non-reactionary, don't do anything too dramatic... just be...stay on a very steady course in life. I really believe that if you embrace a similiar approach your yearning for her will get easier to handle. It's the only way I've been able to survive personally...

Your best friend has given you some excellent advice. I too got this advice, but I also kind of knew within that this was the route to go. It helps. Every week it gets better. I went through the same actions, having to "purge" - I didn't like it but it was a necessary and healthy step!

 

[Sailorgal]

"Even keel" - yes that is what we sailors try to do at all times!!!!

 

[belong to live]

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words. I know part of it is my own ego, needing to feel like I am of some worth or value. I do need to focus on my self and she should do the same.

When I wrote on the whiteboard Gift to Sarah Nothing, it was also a way to remind my self that if I did nothing for her, she would have to do something her self or avoid it.

On my end, Gift for my son and I-happiness. This was me telling my self to focus my energy of help on my self and son. I know that two broken people cannot help each other but here I am spending time and emotional energy on here.

I guess it is just a process I need to go through of letting go and surrendering to the fact.

 

[Sailorgal]

It would make it easier if we actually had tangible injuries like a wearing a cast for a broken leg or an oxygen tank to breathe. Then we know to "leave them alone" or what our boundaries are. But alas, emotional issues are challenging.

In this case, if someone is not in a place to really seek healing, it's like taming a wild animal. You will only get hurt.

Wishing you peace and healing Belong.

 

[belong to live]

It is also that we are too much alike.We keep triggering each other and then can't see beyond our own pain.We both have good and bad days mood wise.

Best if we both heal separately.I contacted the psychiatrist we have both been to.I asked my ex before we split when was last time you saw him.She said awhile and he would contact her if he wanted her.

It turns out it was well over a year ago and she has just been getting repeats of scripts without an appointment.I shared my concerns of her misdiagnosis and they will discretely contact her for an appointment.

 

[circe47]

As someone who's been in both healthy and dysfunctional relationships, I think what makes the difference as far as moving on is what type of person the ex is. If the ex is mutually respectful and caring, then the break up deserves the same respect in that it should take time before dating others. That is only doing what you would like done if the situation were reverse. It also says that you respect her and the time you spent with her enough to not jump on the first opportunity that presents itself.

Now, if the ex was abusive and disrespectful, then I say all bets are off because that person does not deserve the time of day, let alone respect for feelings that are obviously not reciprocated. Nuff said....

On the note of anyone receiving therapy, it's like the proverbial saying. How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one......but the light bulb has to want to change. If a person does not want to change, then nothing and nobody can make them. Nearly twenty years of beating my head against wall taught me this.....to MY utter detriment.

The prospect of change only comes when a person is strong enough to face WHATEVER may be lurking beneath the surface. The person has to be in the most strong and independent place in life they have ever been......and understand that nobody can take that away.

 

[psychocandy]

I think you should love her for who she is, and don't try to "fix" her or offer her "advice" even as a friend. If you really love her (as the basis of any relationship is that of a friendship), then let her live her life and just enjoy whatever capacity she has for you in her world at each moment.

PTSD or not, life is too short and its the connections we make that make life memorable. Ones struggle is just as human as your own so treat her like you would want to be treated. There are no patterns unless you are looking for a pattern, then you'll find a pattern. Make the pattern of your actions be a pattern of being nice and sincere. It will only make you an even better human, one less abuser in her life.