Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Sailorgal]

Wow what a sick individual to think of anything like that after a natural disaster!!!! I'm glad it was only attempted. It's weird, everytime I hear somene one "broken or shattered glass," I always revert to the ex who abused me. One of the last times I saw him he attempted to kill both of us with a big piece of broken glass. He broke the mirror.

I can understand you not having cried in the boat. What a scary scenario...does your sister remember it that well also? Did you always want to be strong like your dad? You can blame yourself for whether or not you cried. I have laughed during sometimes very difficult and heart wrenching situations.

However your days are, you have a great sense of humor and amazing compassion.

The scripture you quote is about the Father's love in us. True love has no fear...it doesn't mean we don't get scared. We just don't get tormented. Our eyes are not on the freightening situation, just you your eyes were on your dad, not necessarily the tumultuous weather. Your love for him made you feel safe at that moment because you felt his love for you, fearing to protect you and your sister. Ever notice how kids loving being on daddy's shoulders? Moms get nervous when it happens, but kids are never scared even if daddy starts to wobble. They hardly hold on without realizing how easy they can fall.

My ex (not the abusive one, the who wrote me back), is indeed a sweetheart. He is scared which I don't blame him. It was nice to just lay it all down and receive a positive response from him. Thank you for your sweet, sweet words Junebug!! I realize how much I really love him and how good he was to me.

I hope you are having a better day today!!!

((((((Junebug))))))))! :)

 

[Abstract]

no voice.

Oh Junebug. I think that is a possible "normal" response to a situation like this. I am so sorry that happened to you. I think our minds tend to strange things in high stress situations. And regardless of how you felt about the natural disaster I imagine it made you more vulnerable after too.

Do you know what you fear about the damage or broken glass was? What would the worst case result have been from the damage?

I am glad you felt protected by your father in the boat incident. What a scary experience.

the 'symptoms' may be there, for all of 'life'

The way I understand it the symptoms will potentially be there but PTSD is totally treatable. To what extent depends on the treatment one gets, the trauma and the person. But when PTSD is treated people can potentially live very fulfilling and positive lives. And when it comes to other things such as learning boundaries then they are totally changeable.

I think that is a big danger when people here that PTSd is not curable. Not curable means that the tendency for symptoms to pop up when exposed to a certain type of trigger still exists. We can learn to control the symptoms.

SG, sorry about the experince with the ex and yay re the nice ex.

 

[Sailorgal]

Thank you dear Abstract!!!! Things are looking on the upswing. :)

 

[KatB]

Honestly, I may not be the right one to give practical suggestions now except that to continue trying to find what works for you.

I've been through some rough weeks and I have barely any energy, memory everywhere and dissociated from my envt. I think what's kept me going is my therapist and the work that's been accomplished, the fact that I completed something on my own, without anybody's opinion, it's great actually. I guess I am looking for what is next for me to start...

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Sailorgal, thank you for that, that's beautiful.

The way you put it, trust sounds more like love, or related to love-and-confidence. I always thought it was faith.

I'm so sorry about your (ex) ex. And the mirrors. :( I feel the same about broken glass, and opening doors. And so many inocuous (or should be) things. No wonder others don't understand- how could they? Who's expecting a meltdown over what appears to be nothing? :(

Thanks, re: the 'weirdo'. Hate to even think of it.

I am very happy for you and your guy. :) :hug:

Dear Abstract, thank you so much for saying it's "normal". God knows that's a big relief, becuase it's not an isolated response on my part, I wish I could say it was. It's not stupidity, it's "freeze". And they try it with 'smaller' (but they're not small) things, first,can't speak up then, either. :( Like, am ashamed to say, would you believe it, he 'jerked off' in front of me, maybe twice, if not once, the day before I think. But he was halfway through a major repair- would have left us hanging and the fall was upon us. After he did the other, he threatened if I told that he wold damage the house and I wouldn't even know where for years, and he threatened to kill my dogs, and then ultimately he threatened to kill my family and me. I called a friend ind desperation eventually when he added the dogs; when he went on to family I told them (because of that). I had to try to avoid him every day, and lots of times I was working beside him.

Ugh. I send that experience to File 13.

But that helps a lot, thank you. :hug:

My God- ya- the 'worst' that could have happened to the mirror etc, well, when you say that the answer is neglible, in relation to what was happening without it. Pulled out the vanity ourselves shortly thereafter. No one would have cared. Never even thought of that. He was eventually found guilty of attempted murder, served and is out.

I hope you are right, about the 'future'. It's strange becaus, after doing things I'm not proud of to try to cope 30 years ago, well after I felt badly about them. Even during, though it was a whirlwind desperate, crazy time. But now, the bad things or effects seem to be an internal reflection, not one of 'choices' proper, more fear it's me (internally). Though I've never thought or wanted or set out (ever, that I recall), to hurt anyone. But that makes it worse, maybe I'm just 'toxic'. :(

Thank you, re: the boat. So many instances like that, just carried on matter of fact. I guess to many (most) people they'd be called 'grave'. I really didn't cry, though. And I really never considered it more than 'nothing', really. (Though it might explain why I never wanted to learn to swim. Or more importantly, though I've had a dozen guys offer to teach me, never felt like I could trust them to. ) I DO realize something- I never thought of 'fear' being fear unless it was terror. Similar to I always thought I just got bad headaches, that were throw-up excrutiating migraines. And the list goes on. And on.

Dear KatB, I think you're doing great and am glad you felt good about that. I hope you will continue to choose things that make you feel proud of yourself. So you should! Good for you! :) :hug:

Thank you to you all, you are very dear. Biggest of hugs for your sweet selves, 'candle' for all. Xox. :inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

Come to think of it, I never told any guy I was afraid of being in water, just that I didn't know how to swim. I don't think I've mentioned anything I am 'afraid' of, just what I 'dread'. My sister remembers, she was 8 years older and an accomplished swimmer. (But) she "says" I'm scared of water (not scared, but don't "like" it) because 'guys jumped over our heads one day in the pool" (as a kid).

I never thought I had a right to be scared of things after the fact, no one acknowledged such a thing. I recall as regards flooding, it was "you have to get over the anxiety". I'd wake up to rain drops and I'd be standing at the window already. Not sure how one stops what occurs before you're even conscious. :confused:

Same with death threats, stalking, attempted rape, anything near-death (eg a couple of close calls- car/ highway), etc.

 

[Tinyflame]

But, that stuff's the past, too. Period. It has nothing to do with my life now. At all. I think I would rather think of what you said Sailorgal. ((((((((Hugs))))))))

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

Yes, I think all types of freeze are so totally normally because they happen if we think we have no way of getting out. And I know I felt so powerless on the whole that I would default into feeling that there was no way out early on. It became an automatic response. And I think when we are highly distressed many things can be surreal and our thoughts not make logical sense. Like an alternative reality or a dream.

It certainly is not stupidity! And yes these sicko's do usually graduate towards the bigger stuff and I too struggled to ever speak up too and froze very early on.

I am sorry he did what he did to you the day before. :( You have nothing to be ashamed of. There are good reasons why we end up not knowing how to defend ourselves or do anything (or even realise we should) about it. Some of that can be about our family and how we are treated generally and how much we have been encouraged to trust ourselves and feel we have a right to fight and protect. I had no ability to do any of that and it sounds like that might be the case for you too.

After he did the other, he threatened if I told that he would damage the house and I wouldn't even know where for years, and he threatened to kill my dogs, and then ultimately he threatened to kill my family and me.

Oh Junebug. I am so sorry. And so you had all "this", these threats then the natural disaster and then the sexual assault. One on their own is hard but all together and then to find out that he attempted to murder must have been very affecting.

I am very glad you had a friend to speak to.

after doing things I'm not proud of to try to cope 30 years ago,

You don't need to share if you don't want but you often mention how badly you behaved and about all the things you are ashamed of. I wonder if it would help to describe them as sometimes that can help. What makes you think you are toxic?

just carried on matter of fact

I relate to that a lot. I am now starting to suspect that a lot of that is not a true reflection and the effects on me. A lot of it I just dissociated the emotion away and often much more. But with other experiences strangely I do not think I experienced them as being that affecting. We shall see! I am never sure anymore as I swore blind that some things were nothing and they are not.

The problem with thinking something didn't affect us (when it actually did) is that it tends to leave a lasting affect on us and our present lives and yet be don't connect things and don't treat it. You have lasting affects to do with your relationship with water.

I also relate to under estimating the intensity of things. That goes for physical complaints (normally would not notice them) and for experiences. I am not sure but for me I have come to the conclusion that it is partly from being very disconnected from my physical and emotional feelings as a result of being in invalidating and being in undermining/controlling environments all my life; and dissociation.

I never thought I had a right to be scared of things after the fact, no one acknowledged such a thing. I recall as regards flooding, it was "you have to get over the anxiety". Not sure how one stops what occurs before you're even conscious.

Same with death threats, stalking, attempted rape, anything near-death (eg a couple of close calls- car/ highway), etc.

I am so sorry you had all those. What you describe above is exactly what stops us from thinking we have the power and right to protect ourselves.! The invalidation. The disempowerment.

Do you mean you were not conscious of getting up and going to the window and that you rather "awoke" to find yourself there?

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes, dear Abstract, exactly, I 'woke up' at the bedroom window. It was only drizzle.

Thank you for your kind, kind words. Oh God, there was so much of that 'crap'. I do confess the 'freezing' does make me feel stupid. And the voicelessness.

Even the friend I contacted, it was not ideal, a pretty abusive ex I had broken it off with (finally). I was just so scared for the dogs, which was what he started with. I remember on the news when he was arrested, and eventually when I heard he was charged, not being surprised.

I think we have experienced some (much?) of the same responses and intellectual justifications or minimization, if not even some similar experiences themselves.

I can't imagine speaking of some things. :( However, I am grateful I am not 'there', anymore. What a hell to endure.

Some of these experiences too, what a hell. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. Thank you for your kindness.

You know where I think this pattern started? As a child I was able, or left to, manage most on my own. I think an older or sister or 2 was likely delegated to keep their eye on me, but they were into other stuff, drinking and guys, other stuff. I read of kids having baby sitters and stuff, but I never had that, could cook, do laundry, be on my own even when temporarily living at the beach. Though boy, I was lucky, very tiny kid and no dog with me there. I remember watching the moon on the beach, the 'beach police' sometimes would come around but only to clear it during storms. But at home the food was there, and school supplies, clothes, toys, I rarely did without as a child, as long as I was creative, and helped myself, or had a way to, I managed. And my mom was great, she had no idea what was going on. Any abuses came from outside of my parents, though if I brought them up somehow they got brushed away, even when it was adults doing it, like sexual assault as a child. Is that what it's called? Not quite sure. Just remember the first 'adult' who tried to rape me, trapped me in a bedroom and was violent. But I got away- and DID physically fight back. Still don't know how I was successful except I think he was slow enough. But they said 'he was drunk', it was at a family party (not a family member), because I did 'tell'. I could only think, but what would he want with a kid, I literally was wearing a snoopy shirt. I'm not sure I even knew what he was trying to do except it was ALL wrong and violent. And I wanted him off me.

I guess I didn't always manage as well as I thought, because I had ulcers, and fear no one knew about, and the things that happen (accidents, injuries, pervs, sunburns, poor self-care, as a child I mean). I feel badly to say such things. I recall my mom being so mad when she would find out my sister had left me somewhere, or on my own for days. Then again, it should never have been her responsibility. Not sure because I was the youngest by much. Think my mom just trusted her word. Not this sister I've mentioned, but the 2 eldest.

Although maybe I didn't manage well at all. And in the process of this minimizing even what I called being down or depressed was end-of-the-line suicidal ideation. Not at all out of the blue, just way too big for a child to manage. It's hard to 'feel' even now that I should have managed better. But some part of me says, how many resources does one have at 5 or 6?

Yes Abstract, I fear these stupid things have caused more hassle and pain to us than we thought. I don't know why it would bother me now. Heck, I don't even know if it is what bothers me, or just is what contributes etc to this end result of who I am.

I fear the problem is it's carried through to who I am as an adult- "don't talk, don't tell, don't feel, don't say", etc. That it's dangerous to do so. Or am not worth it.

((((((((((Sweet Abstract))), thank you. How are you finding it, with the things you need to manage?

Xoxoxox.

 

[Tinyflame]

All this stuff got me thinking, that old ex- was he abusive? Well, yes verbally, and emotionally, but not physically, threatened me a couple or a few times with a closed fist to give me a good one, and well he was 6'2", and well I'm not. Then I wonder, is that even 'abuse' (technically)? And God knows, all these questions and things. All the details- smells, feelings, ugh. I hate it all. Where or why these things have come to mind, yikes, I don't know. Except the obvious of 'saying' them. It makes 'me' feel ashamed, too. Right-or-wrong, that's how I still am left feeling. Ashamed, sometimes for even their sake.

But then I was thinking, you know how you recall something terrifying, then that leads to more in the same vein, etc? Well maybe it IS better just to leave that in the past. I mean, I think of refining any skill, at first it's new, then it becomes easy then it's soooo easy. Well, my life has changed, lucky for me too, I do understand more. Plus, I can look through adult eyes at least to understand or explain others' behaviour (somewhat), plus whether it was right or not I'm not in the same situation(s) re: volatile or toxic people. Much why I worry or wonder myself if I am toxic. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end.

I'm afraid the more fear I have or revisit, the less able or capable I am or can be to trust others or not let it dictate the limits of what I can believe, or believe in. My experiences have taught me not to trust, never to disclose or ask for help. To have no hope in anything in the future. If I don't ignore them, I'm not sure I won't fall back in to giving up trying at all. Just 'me', of course I realize, but sometimes I wonder if some of us, the looking backwards has to be limited or even not occur. Not because it's not recommended (technically) to work through these things, but God only knows my limitations. Maybe I can't handle it. :(

Somewhere I get the feeling, not that I'm 'different' at all, nor that the trauma's (I feel like saying 'so-called') are as severe as so many others, but I'm just not 'capable' enough for that approach to work. Whether it be cowardice, or what I do not know. But like the saying "too bruised to be touched", somewhere I wonder if it's best to leave some things alone.

I think of my Rescue dog, they said 'the worst case of abuse they'd ever seen', and thought she'd never be able to bond to people, too. But you'd never even know (as a stranger) she was abused. And she's happy all the time. I don't know what she thinks of or feels when she's quiet or alone, but otherwise she -I don't know what to call it- maybe she's 'in the moment'. But she's trustful of us and seems very happy. (She is so damn sweet, lol. Aren't you glad I didn't have kids, hee. :D :p :inlove: ). :hug:

 

[Abstract]

((((Junebug))))) if OK.

I hope you do some grounding and do something to take care of yourself. Do some self nurturing and soothing things for you.

Maybe see if you feel grounded enough before reading anything else on here. :inlove:

recall something terrifying, then that leads to more in the same vein

"too bruised to be touched",

Its horrible how they run in from one to the next isn't it. :( Like dominoes. I suspect it is totally normal too to feel too bruised to be touched. I certainly feel that way too. I am sorry you do.

I think it does need to be dealt with for it to get better but we have to be stable enough and feel strong enough first. And to do it in bite size pieces with lots of bringing ourselves into the present in between. That it needs to be safely. Thats what I am told anyway. I struggle to know what is too much still. Addressing it is always going to feel too much/impossible so how do we decide.

There seems to be some good information on the thread about being angry with a therapist. I am still learning too.

he looking backwards has to be limited

I think this is very true and important.

is that even 'abuse' (technically)?

Yes, that is abuse Junebug. Noone has a right a threaten someone in that way. I hate to say it but the stuff the criminal did before the attempted r*pe is s*xual assault legally too.

Ashamed,

We all end up feeling ashamed and when it is touched on and all the old feelings come up - it is literally sickening isnt it? But it is his shame and not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed off. I read somewhere that the perpetrator dumps their emotions and shame and rage onto us when they assault us. And so we are saddled with their feelings. But they don't belong to us they belong to them.

I'm not in the same situation(s) re: volatile or toxic people.

I do wonder about your sister Junebug. I hope you don't mind me saying. I think until we are truly away from any abuse it can be hard to heal. And it can feel normal when it has always been there.

My experiences have taught me

It certainly sounds like you havent had anyone safe to talk to. I havn't either and that makes it hard to trust.

she's 'in the moment

Have you ever watched the Dog Whisperer? It is interesting as he says they do live in the moment. That if abused dogs are treated like you have treated your lovely pooch then they move on and are fine! Lucky things! He always says that it is normally humans treating them as if they are damaged that keeps them distressed. Essentially fussing too much over them and treating them as if they are not well.

I fear the problem is it's carried through to who I am as an adult- "don't talk, don't tell, don't feel, don't say", etc. That it's dangerous to do so. Or am not worth it.

I think this is also very normal and I relate a lot. I think invalidation is extremely damaging.

And from what I know it can vary a lot. It can be from neglect, emotional abuse and other types of abuse. All teach us that we have no right to our feelings or personal experiences and that they are not important. I think they say there is a link between invalidation and suicidal tendencies as well.

I guess I didn't always manage as well as I thought,

It sounds like you have struggled for a very very long time Junebug and I am sorry. No child or adult should have to go without support. I am glad you are getting support now - on here.

my mom being so mad

I have to ask where your mother was and why she was not the one taking responsibility. And why you did not have adults in charge of you if she could not be. I hope you don't mind me saying but I have thought it sounds like emotional neglect to me.

living at the beach.

?? That doesn't sound good.

they got brushed away,

That is very very wrong, very invalidating and just plain dangerous. It is no wonder you learnt not to speak up and just as well more did not happen. They say it is often our family life that sets us up to be more likely to experience things.

I fear these stupid things have caused more hassle and pain to us than we thought.

I think it is totally normal that it does. She says in her rational mind before she looks at her own issues and her brain turns into a chaotic mess. ;-)

I hope you take a little time to be kind to yourself and make yourself feel safe and cared for. Darn difficult to do when others never showed us how.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Dear Abstract, thank you for your kind and thoughtful post. And hugs are always wonderful! :)

I agree with all you've said, and will come back to read this again. And I 'hear' you saying (and trying to be diplomatic about it), "GET GROUNDED AND DON'T FALL OFF THE DEEP END". ( :) ). Yes, thank you. These are yucky memories and reminders and dominoes. Funny how it does so much feel like reliving.

Actually, thanks for the clarification on the definitions. Again, especially when I know of what others have gone through, t seems making a mountain out of a molehill.

Yes, were it feasible or possible I wish my sister could get her own help, for her happiness and safety as well. At least I usually have evry second weekend alone. It seems so ironic to me, this was the situation I tried to avoid becoming trapped in to in a marriage, and yet I'm here. Yes, there is some familiarity. Bits and pieces from all over my life. Predominant reason I eventually (20+ years ago) had to cut contact with my sisters.

Yes, I know how it sounds, re: growing up. But you see, my dad worked very very far away, and not as an escape, it very much was a sacrifice for him to do so, also. My mom was incredible- stable, well-grounded, brave, worked full time, raised the kids and took care of the house/ yard/ dog (of course, also), shopping etc etc. Put herself last, of course. To try to enable my dad to be able to be home, they opened one business and then a temporary second, everyone was 'on board' enthusiastically in the planning and vocal commitment, but other than this sister quickly bailed and then got into much trouble. My dad was very ill, but not diagnosed, then precipitously started to go blind in his 40's. Of course, we were locked into the rent (terrible overhead, etc). I'll never forget my dad contacting someone they recommended when they diagnosed his blindness, they told him to "sell lightbulbs on the phone". :( My God, was he furious. Well, needless to say within less than 2 weeks (it coincided with the renewal of the lease), my dad had got himself back into the old job, hiding it (his blindness), (but at first the lowest paid work, even though he'd been there 35 years), equipment was moved into storage and the house, literally, and this had all followed a huge, ongoing crisis with one of the eldest sisters. Then, within 2 1/2 years my dad died, but nearly had that year but went into a spontaneous remission. So everyone just sort of had their hands full putting out fires. :(

Also I think, you know, it was the day-and-age where you rode in the back window of the car (if you had one), no bicycle helmets or extraordinary measures or expectations of escorting children to and from school, attending events as parents, etc. Recall only being told don't get in a car with a stranger and don't sit closer than 6 feet in front of the tv! :) (No remotes, lol. )

I'm not sure what thread you mean Abstract, but if you think it has good information then I will try to find it. I don't have a T let alone be angry at one, lol. But, I have to say also, I've had help since 2006/ 2007, and yes that really was a first. And also the kindness of this forum. They said in church today that everyone on a journey with us, that it's a privilege to have them there (and I think vice versa, though because of this stuff I find that hard to grasp). But, well, if anything 'good' can be said about ptsd then it would seem to be the people who help, because like you said that's not familiar.

((((((((((((Sweetest Abstract :inlove: ))))))))))))))