Ptsd,my Acting Out Leading To End Of Promising Relationship

[belong to live]

I decided to post this new thread as I am hoping someone can relate and help.

I heard that a sufferer's perception of the world or situation is what they believe or think to be right.
I am living with post traumatic stress from a work accident.Only recently was I diagnosed and was not aware of the disorder at the wedding incident described below.

No matter how much someone else tries to tell us otherwise or tell us not to be afraid or another emotion.

Note every time I say PERCEIVE or perception.That is what the individual including myself sees and believes.

An example for me of late.My girlfriend who I perceive gets trauma related panic attacks and my own perception of my post accident world.

A previous incident involving her family,herself and I has caused her fear of judgement and rejection.
At the time I was diagnosed with Attention deficit disorder and was on Dex amphetamine medication as well as antidepressants.Also I was drunk and had smoked pot.

Her son in law has confronted us at their friends wedding over my girlfriend,myself and another guy being too noisy when people were trying to sleep.I'm sure from his perception we were.He was drunk,tired and my girlfriend had given him Dexies medication earlier.

He also smoked pot with us previously.My girlfriend was drunk,on her dex amphetamine medication and was stoned.Add all this together with various emotional states.

Many times I apologized on behalf of the three of us.The son in law was very aggressive and told us to f**k off or he would fight us.This was mainly directed at myself and the other guy but he didn't really care who he was going to fight.(Was it also directed at my girlfriend?His monster in law I have heard him call her)

He was standing aggressively and we were still sitting.After many attempts of trying to say sorry and calm him I became triggered.Recently I have learned of the fight or flight response.Since my work accident and trauma I challenge back when someone bullies me.

However I was still in bluff mode but standing up for myself and the others including my girlfriend who was very drunk.(She can't remember most of the incident)

I said 'Let's go outside then' calling his bluff.As we walked outside my girlfriend has fallen over drunk and sensing some tension between myself and her son in law,has started screaming and crying hysterically like a woman possessed.(I thought I was going out with Linda Blair for a moment)

For some reason her over reaction has caused me to have an over reaction.I couldn't believe why she was like that and I have said 'Shut up' I was standing quite a distance away.

This went on for quite a while and with her screaming and crying and us raising our voices and arguing has caused a scene at their friend's wedding.My girlfriend has then turned on me labeling me an outsider.

So my perception was confusion of why I was defending myself and her only to have her turn on me.I perceived we were just an embarrassment that they wanted removed.Things calmed down and I was able to comfort my girlfriend and not enter a fight.

Emotions were very unstable and by the end of the night I had called our relationship off saying they were mad,and I didn't want anything to do with them.I was highly confused,felt rejected and unsafe and was labelled an outsider by my own girlfriend.Everything was going well up til then and I thought she loved and cared for me.

We did split the next day and then a few weeks later I wanted to make a mends and I managed to persuade my then ex to give it another go.I accepted my part of the blame but made her aware that she could not remember most of it.I remember all of it but she is in denial and does not want to know what happened.Her son in law was very aggressive and seemed to be overcompensating for something in his past.

We started seeing each other again and were getting on well but she is avoiding facing what and why it happened that night.I am still finding it hard to accept that I was totally to blame.I accept my over reaction and part but she can't remember or accept hers.I pointed out also her son in law was the aggressor and she has made excuses saying he was tired.I told her to stop giving people her medication and she was shocked and couldn't remember doing it.Her daughter also does not know that her Mum(my girlfriend) gave her husband stimulants which if I exposed would help explain the conflict but would in turn backfire on me being the 'outsider' I am trying to gain my girlfriends trust and if I told the truth it would be me outcast and blamed.

She perceives she will be abandoned by her family.A few months later me being with her and going too close to where her daughter and son in law live has sparked massive fear and anxiety in her.She believes that her family will see her and somehow that is a betrayal to them.

She must have said she will never see me again as we broke up but got back together.
She has hidden me and not mentioned the fact we were together again and then would have panic attacks perceiving her family busting her.

I am perceived by her family as an idiot or crazy as they have witnessed my acting out.Up til then we
all got along great.I discovered recently my girlfriend had bragged about how strong and wonderful I was and they could see how happy she was.

She said she wanted me to be embraced by her family,not judged.This to me is the way she perceives herself in her family.Her daughter had said to me previously at the wedding,before the incident 'Good luck with that one' referring to her own mother.

I asked if they were aware of my post traumatic stress and she said no.She has made bad decisions in the past and her family has witnessed her downward spiral.She felt the need to overcompensate turning me into some kind of superhero.

No wonder something has not made sense to her family and I feel if they were aware they would start to understand and we could all move on.

I asked her to love me for my strengths and my weaknesses.If I am built up so much to be perfect,what will happen when I make mistakes or fall?Is it instant dismissal for me?

Will I be so worried about 'falling' that I stress to the point of acting out again.Then I will be that idiot again in her's and her families eyes?

I said 'what happens if I fall?' and my girlfriend said 'Don't fall'
No pressure or anything.Everyone falls especially with trauma.So that makes me feel like I can't make mistakes or I'm not worthy and I'm outcast.

We love each other very much and we both want to be together but I feel the only way is for me to keep dealing and re balancing my trauma issues and also for her to come clean with her family.She needs to face the fear as much as I do.The truth will set us free.

We are still seeing each other and we want to be in each others lives.We are both learning and opening up to each other so I have chosen not to push her too much and I can hope that we will heal more in ourselves,together and then flow on out to the family.

I feel torn as in order for me to 'redeem' myself I may need to expose my girlfriend to her family.
I don't see how this will make things better for us as a couple,but if I want something to do with her family I need to make some gesture or apology.

I know that my girlfriend has created a lot of this situation herself out of her own insecurities within her family.How will I approach this fragile situation?

I said to her yesterday my aim now is to make things better,not worse.

This is not the end.

 

[saffy]

I said 'what happens if I fall?' and my girlfriend said 'Don't fall'

Maybe you can rephrase this to we will deal with that if and when you do. ?

My advice would to work on you and your girlfriend first and keep the family out. If and when you have a relaxed chance to talk to them all you have to do is say sorry if any of our actions upset you, It will not happen again. FULL STOP. You have acknowledged your behaviour and been empathic to their feelings and you have said you will not repeat it. You do not need to go into great details or explanations. they should respect the fact that you have approached them in a mature way.

By trying to improve your own relationship and issues you are moving on positively. In case they want further explanation make sure you have a rehearsed dialogue that will allow you to explain clearly and to a point you and your girlfriend feels happy disclosing.

We all have done stuff we regret and made mistakes, we would not be human otherwise. The person who told you to be quiet is also to blame as their behaviour echoed yours before they got tired.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[belong to live]

Thanks Saffy.

My girlfriend/ex girlfriend (I'm not sure anymore) is in denial and says she can't remember much of the conflict.She doesn't want to know.I respected that but had to make her aware that her and her son in law were over the top as well.

When she said 'Don't fall' it was only directed at me.

How do I just STOP? I am learning everyday and all sorts of emotions are coming out.Currently it is worthless feelings and being a burden.

I've been seeing her again for awhile and the last two times were great.We enjoyed each others company,had a laugh and some fun and loved and cared for each other.We didn't try to address the family issues.

Coincidentally most of her family were away on holidays so she is not so prone to her anxiety panic attacks and moods when she feels unsafe from judgement.

Today I called her as I was feeling so dark on the frustrations of my situation.Little or no money.Pre existing back injury.PTSD.All dragging me deeper into unworthiness.

She asked how I was and said no good.I told her the last thing I wanted to do was bring her down but I needed someone to listen and I wanted to go see her.

I told her what I've learned lately.If I am in a mood or go quiet it is not something she has done or said,it is within me and it will pass.I told her I love her and please don't give up on me.

She said you can say that but it still depresses people.I know it's true but I said I am trying to create an awareness.
I was crying by this stage and she said she didn't want to listen to me cry.I replied that is denying the way I'm feeling.

When she is having panic attacks if I say you're safe or you don't need to be scared do her feelings suddenly shut off?
It doesn't really work like that.

It makes me feel like she doesn't care and love me enough.
On the phone she said her daughter and son in law were back and she is going to see them.

I'm ok for her to go see her daughter and son in law but now I think they will be bagging me including my girlfriend.Will I still be hidden and have to hide my car because of the shame of being found out would cause judgement from her family.

Funny how when they are back it's a return to tension.She has a day off Friday from work and I am doubting she will even contact me to see me.I suppose I'll find out soon enough.

 

[belong to live]

Today I sent her a text message.It read as follows.

I am sorry.I was in a bad place and you bring me comfort and love.You don't need or deserve my grief.I want you to be happy and I want the same for me.You know where to find me.Until then I will give you space.

She hasn't replied.

Tonight a mate insisted we go out and have some dinner.His buy.My stubborn pride made me say I don't expect people to pay for me.He said he wants to and it is an offer.I pushed my pride to the side and accepted.

Had a good meal,chat and a few laughs which is what I needed.Met my mate's friends as well.

I talked about some of my frustrations.The lady I just met said get rid of her.She's lying to you.

I am accepting my flaws and facing my demons.I still am not proud of some of the behaviors I had/have.

When she built me up into a superhero type figure it was for HER benefit I feel.
She said she wanted ME to be accepted and not judged.I am realizing with the deceit,manipulation and secrets she is merely trying to keep up appearances.Then SHE will feel accepted and not judged by the family on mistakes she has made in the past.

I have suspected before she has had some trauma of her own and possibly some borderline personality tendencies.
I thought she was projecting some of her emotions onto me.

She has told me more of her deepest secrets than anyone in her family she told me.
She has never felt she belongs in her family even back to her childhood.She is a twin.The troubled one of the two.

She fears judgement and being abandoned.She has made bad decisions and been attracted to bad men.
Because her second husband was in with the bikers and he ended up going to jail for it I think she feels an enormous pressure to 'redeem' herself.All this I believe stems from her family and past.Her roots are damaged.

Anyone would think I am the one that went to jail.

Things with her are just not adding up though I still feel I am attracted to her and love her.

Am I being too needy or clingy? Have I become co dependent?

Your very honest and caring opinions please.

 

[saffy]

When she said 'Don't fall' it was only directed at me

Exactely, that is not very supportive, empathic or understanding of the issues you have. You answered this yourself really, you cannot just switch it on or off like a tap.

It makes me feel like she doesn't care and love me enough

It sounds like she cannot give you the emotional support that you need at the moment. She might not be in the position mentally herself to support you properly.

I think she cares and probably loves you but not in the way you need at the moment. That is not because you are unworthy at all though, of course you are worthy.

Because you feel so unworthy and have low self esteem her actions and words will also seem magnified.

Had a good meal,chat and a few laughs which is what I needed.Met my mate's friends as well.

I am so glad you did this, well done. It is hard to accept genuine offers of support when you feel you are not worth it, eh ;). You have a good friend there accept what he offers and let go of that pride when it is detrimental to you feeling good. :)

I do not think you are clingy, but I do think you have recognised that this girl has values and virtues you do not like, ie the manipulations ect. Her own fears are something she needs to deal with because the pattern will follow her forever.
Trust your instincts in that she is going for a perfect person to keep up appearances, and she is not in the position to support you equally.

This will be too toxic for you at the moment because you are not strong enough to support her needs either.

I hope you understand what I am trying to say. As a relationship of equals it will never work. You have to move on and work on yourself with the help of people you trust and value. Like your mate.

Best wishes
Saffy :)