Abuser Died January 25th.

[winterose]

To the mods, I wasn't sure where to put this post so I did it here hoping I did ok. I needed to get it out and I know Anthony is probably very busy so I took my own risk posting it here.


I just found out through a text from the female parental unit, my abuser died and is no longer a threat to me? I confirmed it in the obits.

It's so nice she finally admits the threat towards me from him. ( sarcasm here) Where was that when I had everything set up with their local police to get asshole to stop sending me letters to my folks house?

I am relieved because I don't have to hide anymore but at the same time now I'm worried about where my other photo's are. I am angry justice wasn't fully served but then I am also happy because he has the final justice now. Alot of mixed feelings about this.

I had wondered if anyone else went through ranges of emotions when their abuser died? It's been 28 years of fear. I do know one thing, I won't have to worry about phone calls at work or letters anymore.

 

[p-no]

Oh, yes! I was round about 14/15 when my abuser (sexual abuse of me as a toddler) died. I had to (my mother forced me) to hurry home to go to where he lived for his funeral. I hated it! I never got to leave school for nice people's funerals or - beware - for positive reasons (beloved grandma's birthday), but had to go that time. It p**sed me off, to say the least. I don't think I have ever felt as much anger (the term 'anger' doesn't really do) as I did before and during the funeral (up to a certain point).

For a long time afterwards, I was just happy. Relieved. Power-full. I had no regrets with regard to his death. (He was a serial abuser, abused neighbor's girls, my mother, my aunt, me, several more.) Later-on, when I had gone through my sexual abuse with therapy, I felt sad that he was dead. I would have loved to sue him, and if that had not been possible because legally too late, I would have made sure that everyone in the town he lived in, knew. This not being about revenge, but about keeping other children and teenagers save. I still wish he were still alive now, I'd love to look into his eyes while I'd be telling him what I really want to. It's okay though. Dead is better than alive. Now I can be sure that he will not abuse anyone else.

Winterose, give yourself some time to go through these emotions. There may be a whole bunch of them that haven't even turned up yet. If you can, let them come, endure them and let them go. That sentence is so short, yet, so much time can pass to accomplish that. But the ranges of emotions you feel now will pass. There is a something peaceful at the end of this tunnel which is closure. I hope that you will make that experience.

 

[discarded]

I can't imagine how this feel not having been in your position. I am sure you must be going through a whole heap of different emotions. I would imagine relief that you are now safe would be a big one. Hopefully there are others here that can help you with this.

 

[winterose]

Thanks for answering prime and discarded. Feelings are all over the place at the moment.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi my abuser died last year and I felt tremendous relief. I do not have to worry about being contacted anymore. It was over twenty years that I lived in fear of him. Now it is all over and I have peace of mind, soul, and spirit.

I wish the same for you.

 

[Estacia]

I'm happy that you feel freed!!! You deserve it.

 

[Britt.f7]

It's so nice she finally admits the threat towards me from him.

Maybe she was afraid of him on some level too. At least she called you. She may of felt unable to help you before. Now she could do it safely. She is probably going through her own issues of grief.

You will probably experience many different emotions. I felt several when my abuser died. I found out through searching on the internet. I found a couple articles relating to his death. I remember reading his brother said he was this fabulous guy and didn't deserve to be treated the way he was by the police. Apparently he had drugs on him and was running from the police, tried to swallow the bag with the drugs and choked to death. I also found out he was gay and that gave me a whole lot of other things to consider. Like, was it because he was trying to hide that he was gay, that he got his buddies to help attack me when we were in our teens? Was he high then? Should I have excused him because of this?

I did get relief in knowing he was dead, even though I never had any contact with him after Junior high(middle school). I wouldn't actually say I was glad he was dead, but I was glad he wasn't around to hurt anyone. I don't know, maybe that is the same thing but I don't want to feel bad. See what I mean about some of it being complicated? The most important part of the whole thing, confusing moments put aside, was the relief I felt. Like I could finally take a deep breath.

I wish you strength throughout all of this!

 

[winterose]

Maybe she was afraid of him on some level too. At least she called you. She may of felt unable to help you before. Now she could do it safely. She is probably going through her own issues of grief.

As that might be nice, she wasn't afraid of him, she wasn't in grief. She took his side and hugged him during the prosecution. She stated that she knew what kind of girl I was and couldn't blame him for succumbing to my manipulations. She also threw me out afterwords. She continually denied he was any kind of threat and said it was all in my head. When I finally had the means to stop him, after 24 years of harassment, when it involved them to do one simple thing, to sign a OOP on him, I had it all arranged with the police and courts, they didn't do it.

Secondly, it isn't my job to guess what she is thinking. I can only assess what her behavior did and has continued to do in this matter.

 

[Britt.f7]

Secondly, it isn't my job to guess what she is thinking. I can only assess what her behavior did and has continued to do in this matter.

True. Sorry that I upset you.

 

[NarcSis]

Hugs to you, I can imagine how conflicted your feelings must be around this. Like someone else has said, give yourself the time to go through this, be gentle and know a chapter is now closed, forever. Allow some of that fear to die with him.
More hugs.

 

[saffy]

That must be such a relief for you and you can now move forward in a positive way. :)

I am also glad that it is the abuser who died for a change, normally old bastards seem to live for ever and the innocent die young :(

In another context as soon as I made the decision that my 'parents' were dead to me it was a great relief from all the triggers and gave me a sense of personal power. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[MagiLisu]

I can only imagine the mix of feelings you must be feeling.

Give yourself time to work through all your feelings and emotions and try to take comfort in the fact that you are now safe and he can't hurt you or anyone else again. It'll be hard but there is light at the end of the tunnel.