I Feel Like A Failure

[saffy]

My daughter gets really mad at me when I think in this destructive manner.

Your daughter sounds very wise. And can see you as a completely different person as you see yourself.

Positive self talk is very powerful. :) Destructive manners needs no explaining. It is just damaging to the soul.

I hope you get a break soon especially when up against such odds.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Sailorgal]

Today the local Director called and said staff out ill and wires crossed, she thought the regional director had contacted me.

You see, crazy things happen all the time! In this case, I'm glad the result was in good news. Congrats and good luck on your first day Brat! :tup:

 

[mamachick]

Thanks Sailorgal-now I am second guessing myself about abilities...ergggh. It is the road to change...one little success at a time...or mastery....

 

[belong to live]

I think for those of us with ptsd, there is a tendency to take it more personal, particularly if we feel defective to start.

Yes. Feeling pretty low and worthless myself. Eight years since work accident that left me with crushed vertebrae in the thoracic area of my spine. I can still do most things but have to be careful of repetitive twisting.

Most of my working experience is in the transport industry laboring and driving forklifts. That's where I had the work accident. After I returned to work 6 months later I was retrained in the office and did higher supervisor duties. This was very different and I feel I did a decent job. Since the accident I have had many, many emotional meltdowns/acting out triggered by the accident.

Until recently I didn't know I was living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and wanted to leave that employer but fear of the unknown and of not being good enough to new employers kept me there longer.

Finally an opportunity came up through a friend.A job as a service adviser in a car dealership. I had no experience but my friend said he would train me on the job. I took the chance and although it was a good opportunity, I found the job stressful, frustrating and found myself venting quite a bit.

One day a situation triggered me and I sat there thinking, 'Is this worth it? Obviously a job is important but is it worth my mental and emotional wellbeing?' I picked up my bag and turned to my friend who was the boss and said,'Bye'. I then walked out and caught the train home.

I had one more job since then again trying the service advisor role. I was only there for 3 weeks and thought I was doing ok until the two bosses asked me to come into the office at the end of the day. They told me that they didn't think it would work out with me. I sat shocked and asked what was the reason. The main boss said things seem to go in one ear and out the other with me.

One day I was venting about I didn't have time to do something and and one of the other service advisers said, 'If you think it's busy now you're in for a surprise'. I replied I didn't mean it was busy it was just that I was new and it seemed busy to me. The boss mentioned that as well.

A lot of changes in the midst of trauma (I still didn't know I had it). Marriage separation, moving twice. House broken into and burgled twice in a year. Feeling more fearful and violated at this point I continued the downward spiral.

My girlfriend of 10 months and I split because of an embarrassing argument at a wedding involving some of her family. I accept my part in the blame but others haven't and because an over reaction was triggered in me I became the scapegoat.

So quite a few losses and changes. To cut to the chase I have a pre existing back injury. I'm turning 40 next month so younger candidates are usually favored. I'm moving forward with therapy and I'm still on medication.

My psychiatrist wrote a medical certificate stating I am unfit for work until next month. I go back and forth between in a struggle of applying for jobs and then thinking I can't face it or I will fail. Still I need to pay the bills.

I've tried the honest approach referring to my back injury and some employers won't even touch me. A few weeks ago I registered with a job agency and didn't declare any thing about my back. Still no call yet.

I'm in a bit of a catch 22 situation. Locked out of more physical jobs and potential triggering and stress in an office based position I don't know if my mind can handle it.

I have a mortgage and am now in the position of asking the bank for financial hardship as I have very little money. This now pushes me back towards renewing my forklift ticket which costs about $300. I will have to go through more job agencies to get casual work and probably won't declare my back injury and other issues as I'm assuming I will be looked at as a liability.

All I can really do is take it as it comes and try to face my fears. I must take some action as I feel like I'm in limbo and not living the life that I want. It's become a vicious cycle of me moving forward, and then having little or no money which then rolls on to feelings of worthlessness, low confidence and self esteem and fear of being a burden to others.

My ego and pride always wanted me to stand on my own feet and gain independence.
Well here goes. Need some feedback and related replies. Thanks.

 

[Abrasky]

I think you will find even people without PTSD who have a degree find it hard to get jobs. My husband works with someone who earns way above average in a field he trained to work in. He couldn't get a job in that field, so when he graduated, he started working as a cleaner in the same organisation and the rest is history. He has people working there that worked in a completely different environment, but had transferrable skills like management ect. I know the manager of a NPWS office did a degree in nothing to do with environmental science once. You rarely end up where you started.

I think whether you like a job or not isn't whether it professional and suitable for a person who is university qualified, it is whether or not you enjoy it and then you will suceed in it. For me I enjoy working full stop. I graduated with a degree and got PTSD a year before I graduated. But I am just grateful I got my first long term job after 13 years of unemployment and volunteering. It is packing baked bean cans into the shelf at the supermarket, but I get to drive a cage with wheels around which reminds me of leading a bull around the ring when I was showing cattle in my youth. I get to work in a team, which is what I was doing when I was having a really fun time in a fire-brigade at 19 years old, and I get to be really really fit, which has given me so much energy and youth, I would not know what to do with it. I enjoy it more than studying for my degree.:O_o: :)

My pop worked packing shelves but he supported 3 generations of his family and 2 adopted kids and a whole town. He had more feet and independence and self sufficiency than anyone I knew. He never got a degree, it isn't necessary to have one to be self sufficient. I think that it is more attitude than success. I also met the son of a multi-millionaire once and he had done the same degree as me, but had been given his job, and lacked in determination or work ethic or determination. If it wasn't for his father he would have been unemployed. Lacking but being lucky is also not good.

 

[belong to live]

Thanks for the feedback Maze. A big part of it is my own fears of getting hurt again, fear of failure and lack of confidence and self esteem as a result of post traumatic stress.

When I was talking to Centrelink (unemployment office in Australia) and my psychiatrist, I wanted to go back to some casual or part time hours because of money and I thought it would be of benefit to my physical and emotional wellbeing.

I asked for support for my situation with my back and trauma issues. What I requested was to put me through to a job provider who would find more appropriate work for me and cover some training costs or upskilling to improve my chances.

If by chance I was struggling physically or psychologically, I wanted understanding and support.

I've always worked and believe it's the only way out of this rut. Centrelink rated me as highly employable and could not assist in the above. Same old.I seem ok from the outside but then if I have a meltdown as a new employee I'll be shown the door. This may just be my perception of what may happen but it's a reality.

Anyway when I can work out how I will fund it, or if Centrelink can(I will try again) I will get my forklift license renewed as I have ten years experience and jump back on the horse. I am a very truthful person these days but I will most likely need to not disclose my issues to potential employers.

Some will require medicals especially when going permanent. Doctors can check my medical history. The struggle at the moment is if I don't declare my Pre existing injuries and then I do hurt my back again there is a big legal loophole the employer can get through and I won't get worker's compensation.

If I am completely upfront, most employers will just keep looking to job candidates that are in there eyes better. I will get a stepping stone into the workforce soon and I will keep applying and hoping.

 

[mamachick]

Belong to Live-I can relate so well to the vascilating between job seeking and self criticism to the point of self destruction.

I know you are in a tough position. Medical problems and ptsd, given the current job market make it tough without the above vascilating.

I have no answer, I just know we all have to keep trying. So much of our esteem is connected to what we do instead of who we are. When we are not employed, it is like saying others do not value us.

 

[belong to live]

Thank you.Today I still have no money. Oh $20 that mum gave me because she knows how I am feeling and loves me.

Thanks mum. That will be fuel and then back to none again.

To renew my forklift ticket it will cost $450. I will get $540 next week but that will need to cover other basics. So I ask my psychologist, psychiatrist, Vietnam Vets counseling service and Centrelink for help or offer something to support.

Centrelink is a government department who provide my unemployment benefit. They give me a form and say my GP or psychiatrist need to fill it out with my diagnosis, symptoms, treatment and medications.

I'm sure it's the same form he already filled out. This is why people give up in despair and fall back into the dark hole or want to escape the planet.

When I came out to drive home that terrible feeling of worthlessness, burden and despair came over me and I was crying driving home. Quite often in the last few days I have wanted to just kill the pain. Then I think of my son living with that. I could never do it to him. I would never want to inflict that amount of pain and suffering on him. I'm crying again now as I love him so much. It proves that I want to live, love and know deep down I am worthy.

I just have to know some people love me and believe in me to give me a chance. I feel ashamed and I'm sick of hiding.

I imagine this is what I need to go through before it gets better.

 

[saffy]

I'm sure it's the same form he already filled out

Hi Belong to live

You probably have already but unfortunately it is part of the system when asking for something new. They have to assess whether your circumstances have changed and need an up to date form for their files to cover their process policies. It is just part of the admin process unfortunately. Frustrating as it is.

Don't give up on your ambitions and know that the only love and support that matter is from people you consider worthy, not some jobs worth. :)

Any government department worth their salt will want to encourage you back into work and use qualifications you already have. I really hope you get the help you need to get your licence back. :)

In the mean time use some self help programmes to help you with your self esteem and confidence. This comes from within not from others opinion of you. If you have self esteem what anybody else says will not matter to you one way or another. ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I'm not a very courageous or strong person.

OH YES YOU ARE very strong and very courageous. It takes courage to share your feelings and be vulnerable with people you barely know. It takes strength to WANT to get to the bottom of this and to continue working at it. It takes courage to keep sharing.

And you know what else? You gave me hope today! Im going through the same thing. I just got out of school and got a professional license last August. I did an intern that did not pan out the way I had hoped. The self loathing and depressive episodes have been overwhelming and they have been the exact things that keep me from trying harder. It is so discouraging. I am constantly thinking that my husband must be regretting marrying me because I am not contributing financially right now. That thought begets thinking that his family must think I am a loser. That thought begets blah blah and the cycle continues. I know JUST how you feel!

I went through tons of interviews thinking for sure I would get the job.

Having PTSD is NO picnic. YOU ARE SO BRAVE to have gone through what you went through, survived, and still made it through school, and having guts to come on here and share your story; letting other people know they aren't alone. You are AMAZING in my book! You just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You keep doing the right thing. This life with PTSD is hard, but we will overcome it. You are a hero and you CAN do this!

Thank you SO much for sharing!!

 

[mamachick]

I posted that I accepted this position over a month ago. I have had to go out of town for trainings a couple of times. I had to get FBI clearance for my job, and state clearance, and clear cps reports, etc. I have run around and fingerprints have had to be repeated because they do them on glass on a computer and I guess I have bad prints. They say my lines are wore off and ask if I have used a lot of bleach. LOL. At any rate, FBI clearance went through, but state fingerprints are not back yet. In the meantime, I cant do the job until all is cleared. Also in the meantime, at a staff meeting I discovered the agency is in a lot of trouble. Then I was told that the laptop that I was to get is no longer available. The problem is that the laptop has intranet on it, everything the agency uses-all client forms, milage, time sheets, etc. This would mean that I would have to go into the office and use a desktop that is in the board room and the room is often used so I would have to check schedule with others. This may be a deal breaker for me.

The boss showed my my desk and gave me keys to the office. When I stopped in to check my mailbox I wanted to see if the desk and been cleaned out as she said there was granola and a dead mouse in there. Another new employee was put there. They are very disorganized. Given a head injury and ptsd, Im thinking this may not be a fit for me. I was already less that thrilled with going into homes, I knew the paper work would be monumental, but without access to computer on regular basis, I will need to address this and not having a good feeling about the organization. I have learned to follow my gut, especially the past 2 weeks for other reasons completely. No happy ending here, so I may just have to start searching again. I have a problem with settling for less than I expect and that I am worth, I fear that is where this job is headed.

 

[WesternSky]

I'm sorry the job is not heading where you wanted it to go, brat17. I have been following this thread for awhile in silence and I'm glad it's opened up into a conversation where other people can share their struggles and worries and find support in the members here.

As for my situation, it has not changed. Leads keep running into the same dead ends: No jobs except for directors and branch managers. And my hours have been down at least a full day since January. I had a lead that I thought might be the wedge I needed to get in the door. It hasn't really panned out. Another disappointment. This spring it will be a year since graduating.

I wish you all the best in your struggles.