Poll Have You Ever Had Survival Sex?

[Lady of Longbourn]

I know what you meant. :) And it was training and grooming...That was the right word.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Seeing my therapist in a few minutes. I get to ask all of questions about survival sex and prostitution. And questions of morality.

 

[zaniara]

never heard of the word before.. but yes.. not for money. (but I wanted to; because I thought that it was the only thing I was good at: numbing out and letting men do whatever they wanted to) Done it to have a "safe place" to sleep, or to avoid being raped.. = I don't know if that counts, but it was in situations where I only had two choices: having sex or being raped. Having sex seemed a better choice. But made me hate myself even more.. and made me confused, since I didn't want to have sex, but "playacted" so damn well.. tried so hard to make them "come" quickly so that it would be over as soon as possible.. Continued to act like that in relationships afterwards. :( Have a difficult time not to act like that.. (to scared to be close to men right now, partly because of this..) - oh.. *feeling sick*

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I am sorry Zaniara. :hug:

Yes, that does count towards having a safe place. You were given shelter in exchange for sex. Sorry it was that or rape for you. You did what you had to in order to survive. Don't hate yourself for that.

I hope you feel better soon. Talking about it is a good thing. :tup:

 

[zaniara]

Thank you Ayesha.

Talking about it is a good thing. :tup:

I hope so.. (talking about it is new for me.. A half year ago I didn't with anyone.. it's still hard..) Sometimes I fought first, and then gave in and had sex.. Guess I just tried to survive.. never thought of it like that before.. just felt ashamed..

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I went to see my therapist this morning. I recorded the session to listen to when I got back here on the forum so I could remember what we talked about. But I hate the sound of my own voice so it's hard for me to listen too right now.

We mostly talked about what happened. We did not have time to get into morality or shame that much. I told him pretty much what I told in this thread. He knew I had done that but we had never really sat down and had a long conversation about it.

He thinks my depression as a child, then the 'training' starting at 14 when I was being neglected by my mother is the start of it all. Just like I said here. When I was 14 I gave sexual favors for someone to talk too. So when I was 19 given my body for money was, in my own words, 'easy'.

He agrees about the training. For a while I was unsure about using the word 'training' but that's the right word. That's really starting to sink in. I was 'trained' and 'groomed'. Both words are pretty much the same thing. So walking into a room with a man who was paying you to sleep with him was easy. You know what he wants, what he wants to here. Put on a mask, turn off your brain and do it. You fall back into your training. Like learning to ride a bike...you never forget.

He wanted to know that if I had a daughter and she came to me and told me that she was sleeping with people for money or drugs...what would I do? Never plan on having kids so that question was a bit hard to answer. I would help her. I would put her in the hospital and help her clean up the mess. I would make sure she got help and love from me. I would sit down with her and ask her 'what do you want to do with your life' 'I can help you'. I remember I was watching a British TV show. I watched that show with such fascination. People really act like that? I kept having to ask Husband...do people really do that? Is that how mother's treat there children? I had no idea that is how healthy people worked. I love that show. I still watch it and I learn about family from that show.

We talked about how I came from a rich family. How I DID ask for help and was ignored. But still I was a bit confused about how I still ended up doing this. He says my parents had 'turned from me'. Stopped caring. Why though? What did I do??

More later...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sometimes I fought first, and then gave in and had sex.

Do you mean you fought like hitting them to stop them? Or you more like fought with your mind...'should I? shouldn't I?' sort of thing?

Guess I just tried to survive.. never thought of it like that before

It's okay to survive. This does not make us bad people.

 

[zaniara]

Ayesha: So sorry for all the suffering and loss you have endured! :( But I can relate to being groomed and trained SO much! I just never crossed the line to take the money.. but it WOULD have been easy.. I did the same thing, just without the money..

You know what he wants, what he wants to here. Put on a mask, turn off your brain and do it.

- that's just exactly how it was!! - How brave you are to talk with your T about it!! (I'm not really there yet.. just mentioned it briefly.. )

 

[zaniara]

Do you mean you fought like hitting them to stop them?

Sometimes I fought, kicked, said no.. But it didn't help.. so.. the training kicked in.. like you wrote..

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Therapist also agrees with me that it was not traumatic. I did not feel horror or fear doing that.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sometimes I fought, kicked, said no

How are you sure that was not rape and manipulation?

 

[zaniara]

I don't know.. confused where the line is drawn. Oh.. feel a bit stupid.. and tired. Thank you for your replies, but I will try to sleep now.. :hug: