What To Never Say To A Ptsd Sufferer

[squirrelygirl]

This thread is actually making me laugh.

"Wow, I'm sorry that happened to you" ... This bothers me MORE THAN ANYTHING. Like how do I respond to that? "Uh, it's okay whatever, no big deal" even though my trauma has really shaped my life? I feel like a lot of people say that just so the conversation ends. I actually wish someone would ASK me about my trauma.

"But wouldn't that, like, make you not want to have sex with guys?" Sorry that I don't fit what you consider to be the "typical rape victim" reaction. Is it really that hard to believe that I sleep/slept around because I believed a casual f*** was all I deserved/was worth?

Oh and then when I'm actually feeling "empowered" or "safe" enough to say how I really feel, that I'm tired or stressed, that "Yeah, I know the feeling, exams/finals/this time of year is killer on everyone." Oh yes, I'm quite obviously being stressed by schoolwork. Not the fact that I saw my rapist this afternoon on campus or anything. But we can go with that answer too.

 

[goa way]

Yes squirralygirl, I can see a bit of humor in some situations...sometimes....like if I've had a good week....and my medication is working. I think my psychologist thinks I'm funny, not deliberately, maybe more innocently. Maybe that's what you see too.

 

[lookn4peace]

Sorry Guys, I used to be a nice person, I also used to like people. I used to always wear a smile, and work, and tell lots of jokes. Now I am my opposite.

I can sooo agree. I understand the need to apologize--I'm compulsive with that!--but t'aint necessary. I get it, I'm sure many others (us) do as well. I always felt compelled to pretend I was "good" and even say so. Screw that...I now say what I feel although without the details--"oh, I'm making it," or "I'm here," or "no, not today." I'm so symptomatic that I can't hide the grief and pain that is ever present in my eyes anyway. I can't tolerate the damn pretending everything is ok when it's not anymore. THAT helps ME.

 

[goa way]

Lookn4peace, thank-you for your understanding. I often say now, the same as always. I refuse to say I'm good, if I'm not. Stuff em, they ask, they shall receive.

 

[safenow]

Oh , that happened last year. He learned his lesson. I'm sure he left the area and felt ashamed since you sent him to jail. wipe it out of your mind.

Gosh, that gave me such comfort to know a criminal learned his lesson. I can rest well now. I won't be paranoid. Nope. (sarcasm)

 

[rainy_daze]

I read the first couple of pages of this thread and the last few, and I'm a little shocked at some of the phrases that offend people and I agree with some of them too. I suppose there are phrases which are said with the best of intentions, and it's maybe a good idea to remember that people are just people, and often they are trying to be helpful. Does anyone agree with that?

For example, I understand people don't like the phrase "hang in there", but then I suppose it depends who is saying it to you. If someone was telling me that and really meant it, and I could see they were genuinely trying to make sure I was ok, I would accept it. Even if it took me a few hours to realise they were saying it because they cared/were worried. Everyone is different though. The way you feel about a phrase is just, you know, part of being human.

I hope I have never offended anyone; sometimes I read posts on here and I want to say something supportive, because often that is what I would seek if I posted about how awful I felt. A supportive comment is never meant to be patronising/demeaning/insulting or cause infuriation or upset. It's not always about the words people are saying, but the sentiment behind the words. Does that make sense?

I'm a lot more upset/angry when someone utters a phrase that is not said with caring or positive intentions, the worst one (in my opinion) being: "You need to just get over it". It is so simple, why have I never just done that? Oh, thank you so much for telling me, now I can just go and get over it... If a person says this to me, I know they don't understand, they will never attempt to, and they have never had something so awful happen to them that their brain went wonky.

"It could always be worse". Yes, I know it could, and it has, thank you very much for reminding me.

"How are you?" (this one is OK if the person actually wants to hear the honest answer; pretty awful if they run away when you tell them how bad you feel).

Recently, I was having a conversation with two friends when one of them mentioned her brother dying in the middle of a sentence and continued talking. I had no idea what to say, and said nothing. I believe if she had wanted either of us to say anything, or to talk about it, she would have. I didn't rush in with any supporting comments, I just made sure I was listening and could be there for her if she wanted to talk about it. Everyone is different. Other people would have asked lots of questions of her. Maybe those questions would upset her (i.e. the invasive questiosn it sounds like you have been asked Squirrelygirl). Some people are naturally inquisitive, or naturally ask nothing. People are just people, sometimes they get it right and sometimes they don't, I think that is what I'm trying to say.

You gotta turn your focus towards yourself. Just like any other illness that strikes, you are not responsible. But you decide whether it cripples you or not.

I love this Sailorgal, it is my wisdom of the 2nd of February, and I will keep it in mind.

 

[Sivawoman]

"I don't like it that you don't celebrate holidays with us anymore. Why can't you put it on hold for the day." Sure, I'll put my anxiety, stomach aches, mood swings, and all that other stuff over in the corner so I can spend quality time with my abuser (brother).

That's my dad talking, and he knows my brother did it.

"You're not a gifted student. You're average like everyone else." Again, my dad talking, except this occurred in junior high, after four years of nightly sexual abuse.

And of course...why can't you get over it so all three of you kids can be with your dad on father's day" That's my stepmother.

 

[Hashi]

Why can't you put it on hold for the day.

why can't you get over it so all three of you kids can be with your dad on father's day"

It amazes me that people say something like this. I always wonder if they think we're going to hear that and say, "Oh I never thought of that, what a good idea. I'll do it right now."

Or are they really thinking we should react with, "Yes, I'm being very selfish dealing with this every day when it makes other people uncomfortable. I really should be prepared to minimise and deny it to avoid inconveniencing them so much"?

Just my personal reactions.

 

[anni]

I'm not sure we're always offended so much as it would be unfortunate if someone would say some things. My favorite is " And what are your childrens' birthdates? " Hee. I have FOUR, nice if I can remember mine. I know the d*m things, it's just that they arrive and leave with better regularity than flights in and out of Dulles. I had to do this while re-registering something not long ago, with the accusatory eyes of the entire line of people behind me burning holes in my back. I finally invented a couple just to get the h*llllll out of there.

There would be a few takes on what not to say to a PTSD sufferer.

 

[Venusian]

Anni, I had to change my address over the phone for a government form a few years ago and that is the first security question they asked. I have 3 kids, I couldn't recall one when I was put on the spot like that. I know their birthdates, I was there. Luckily, the person on the phone laughed it off and went to the next question. What my address was previous to the one I was changing, I went blank again. It had been 4 years, but I did remember the address previous to that. I got my address changed.

 

[Bernie's_mom]

"Have you tried an elimination diet? Try vegan. You might be amazed with what removing dairy products can do."

Yup. That is my #1 most hated comment. What makes it so really horrible is that I have gotten this from my best friend--more than once. So now when she asks how I'm doing, I just paste a smile on my face and tell her that I am doing JUST GREAT.

I truly envy the sufferers out there who have a supportive person in their life. I just do not mention PTSD to anyone, ever. If your closest friends aren't interested...

 

[Sivawoman]

Bernie's Mom.

I understand not having supportive or understanding friends. After I started to heal and became more confident in myself, I noticed that they were superficial, and I took them out of the "true friends" category.

Hopefully you will find a friend who understands. I'm sure you will here.