Ptsd And Open Relationships "just Sex"

[Jules Huffman]

I am a twenty two year old bisexual female have been with my husband for two and a half years.

The whole time he has expressed his desire at some point ( today if it was possible) to be in a open relationship. I always pushed it back with excuses. I am just getting to know you. I we are not financially stable and for individually independent enough ( we are now ). I have religious hang ups ( not true). What it really boils down to is after my rape and my bucket full of daddy issues I hold onto a fundamental believe that men are ruled by their penis and have the potential at all times to be a soul crushing monster. My hang up is on his manhood potentially ruining my life. Also ruin our life we built together.

He sees his desire to explore great sex as only natural and stated the argument that it is an unemotional desire. He gave the example that "If someone gave me a back rub and made me feel good I would not run away with them why is the sex any different?". I understand the desire and importance of good strong sexual experiences as only natural. I have the desire for my own sex life to go beyond him and have the understanding that monogamy is unhealthy if both sex partners have strong robust sex drives. I am for instance into BDSM and my husband is not and that has taken a strain on my own sexual satisfaction.I also have strong desire for sex with women as well he can not fill.

I can not get over the fact that after the rape I understood that some people see others as merely objects. I don't know if I could treat other men as objects and not as full person in sex while in turn being treated that way with out the fragility of my psyche slighting cracking. I have tried having random sex when younger, but I just could not cum and felt detached. I think about it with wide eyed lust for threesomes and cock holding sometimes. It is rare to find a love so strong that is in between us I think it could work.

Yet, with all the love in the world it won't make just sex any easier for me. I have told him to wait for me to get more therapy on my rape and allow me to feel more comfortable with this. Still every time he mentions it I just want to cry thinking about how cold a sexual desire can be in the hands of those who misuse it. How cruel people have been to each other in the throws of deep lust. I cry over how uncomfortable I am with my own sexuality . I tell him not to talk about it ,but he just feels repressed and not to happy about it.

It is "just sex"?

 

[Hashi]

I have told him to wait for me to get more therapy on my rape and allow me to feel more comfortable with this. Still every time he mentions it I just want to cry thinking about how cold a sexual desire can be in the hands of those who misuse it. How cruel people have been to each other in the throws of deep lust. I cry over how uncomfortable I am with my own sexuality . I tell him not to talk about it ,but he just feels repressed and not to happy about it.

It is "just sex"?

In my humble opinion, if you have been raped then it can't be "just sex" for you. It can be what you decide you want, or possibly what you decide you don't want, but there are some things that are different after being raped, and "just sex" is one of them.

I admire you, because you seem very aware and very strong in yourself. Although it might be natural that your husband can't fully understand your feelings, I really support you in sticking to what your feelings and your gut are telling you. If you feel you need more therapy first, and to process things more, then I would back you in that 100%.

I think probably your husband can't understand your feelings, and I do have sympathy for that. How could someone understand the feelings of a person of the opposite gender with different experiences? Any attempt to be supportive is, I think, an attempt that should be appreciated. Having said that, you are the person who needs to set the boundaries and be clear what those are.

I would suggest one thing to you. I don't think rape is about sexual desire. I think it's about the need for dominance and to transfer negative feelings (including self-hatred) onto another person. I wonder if it could be helpful to separate natural, healthy sexual desires from the need to damage another person to make up for what someone sees as deficiencies in themselves?

Please know I'm not saying that means you should pursue any sexual avenues that you're not ready for. Your responsibility is to yourself above anyone else. And to keep communicating about this is always kindest and most responsible to your partner. I am just suggesting that rape is not about sexuality, but is about power and dominance, and finding our way through that can alllow us - eventually - to reconnect to our own sexuality.

So, from where I'm coming from, however long it takes you is OK. If you decide you never want to take things further in terms of an open relationship, that's OK. If you decide you're ready to take things further that's OK too - as long as you feel OK with it and it's at your pace, not anyone else's.

 

[Jules Huffman]

Thank you, that was very kind and very reassuring.

I feel guilt over not being able to please my husband. He has been very understanding and promised to wait as long as it takes because he wants our marriage to survive his desire.

I am becoming more comfortable talking it over with him and I feel it is helping. :)

 

[saffy]

Hi Jules

I think your husband is selfish and self absorbed. How dare he spill crap like this to justify his sexual needs.

You are worth so much more than this. IF he is not satisfied sexually at home that is his fault not yours. It takes two to tango.

If he wants to go off and have meaningless sex, then make sure he know you will not be there when he returns.

Sorry I think this man is an arse.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[jmni]

I think you need to tell him to shut up. Most men wouldn't have the nerve to ask their wife for an open relationship. You've said no so many times that you are making up excuses now. You're the wife in a marriage and if the relationship is open it's up to you when and when you say it will be. You said no so he should of stopped asking. So it really seems like you need to just tell him no and that you're sick of him bringing it up and that you don't want to hear about it again. Boundaries are very important in relationships and this would be a boundary that you create.

You want to focus on recovery and he is only thinking about his own fun. That is a recipe for disaster. He is being insensitive to your situation which you dont even have control over. I guess the only other thought I have is that it sounds like you are right because he already is ruining things. I guess I would seriously think about if he is creating a hostile environment for you and if he will be more likely to impede recovery than progress it.

 

[Jules Huffman]

We are doing better after talking about it, but I asked him not to bring it up again. The agreement we came to was to wait until I am ready emotionally and have my finances in a good order to live well on my own. That could happen in maybe two years. It is always burning in my skull though.

I know my husband quite well and one thing I know about him is his lack of understanding of his own emotions can lead to strange offensive behavior towards everybody.All the sudden after a long time he will emotionally dumped all of his thoughts. Instead of bringing up his motivations he just brings up the desire and all other issues he had. So, I am left with the feeling of insecurity in my own behavior towards him. Since he wanted this for a long time before he met me I know it is not all me.

Due to the nature of PTSD my behavior can be quite absurd to be honest. After he expressed the open relationship desire again he talked about other problems with me in a great wave of discontent. Then he expressed love. Deep unflinching love for me.

I guess he put me in check. I guess that was the point. Still my control issues are at a high point right now. To be honest I think this all is a result of my own behavior towards him. Crushing his manhood with constant bitching and avoidance of his and my own sexuality. We have sex ,just I do not know what he really likes or wants because I freak out when he tells me. I am always after any power he could have over me. I hover over him like if I left the room he would disappear and have always been jealous. I call him and text him constantly when he is away. I have a habit of ritualistically pushing him away when he gets to close to me. I get pissed when he looks at porn. I have not been that good of a partner because I over time made him partly my enemy. He just said over and over I want to be your friend and not be married to a robot that is programmed for pain and discontent no matter what your day was like.

I plan to do what I have to be a better partner and maybe just maybe that desire will go away.If it doesn't I can be so close to him it won't matter. I knew who he was when I married him and still thought I could control him over the smallest offenses and annoyances. I lack trust in most forms with no real reason in the relationship. He has always been good to me.

I guess my family f*cked me over and lots of people have turned their back on me so I was always planning for it with my husband. If you put out negativity you get it back in actions and in the universe. I pray to god I can pull my love for him to shed this layer of past occurrences and trauma to reach out and love him. He is not there to fix or make up for other peoples damage done to me. Only I can do that . He is a whole person and not meant to be bent and broken to be my ideal husband. He is who he is and deserves to be loved for it because he spent and spends so much time loving me truly just as I am.

 

[jmni]

Well I'm glad to hear that you took my advice and it sounds like it helped. In two years time you may have a completely different opinion of an open relationship and he could to. I'm sure you'll have different issues by then.

I think I am really annoying too. I think that's partly why I'm never in relationships.