Dear Absract, thank you so much for saying that. It means a lot to hear that.
I think I did ok- very well for me, in fact. And I can't say exactly 'why', but after writing that, well by later in the night I felt almost angry- confident is not the word but it approximates self-esteem. I am so sorry for bothering you! I DID use the non-verbal part, and if I have to I am going to use your words exactly.
To be clear, I wouldn't even use the word 'friend'- he isn't that.
But I understand so much more than I did. Always, every 'creep' or 'perv' (in the past) blamed me- one said my skirt was short, one said I smiled at him, one said that was what 'I' wanted, many many have said (I am quoting) "It is your (my) fault because you are sexy". They are sicko's.
And every time I've gone against my gut instinct it's because I've felt sorry (for them). And then paid the price. That's why I have almost (too) seen it as a liability, to be so-called 'gentle', etc.
But it's not. It's that type (and they AREN'T the majority) that take advantage of it.
And this was no friend, and no date or "getting-to-know-you". I'm not overly-reactive (or enough) to things like that in those circumstances. To be clear, this was just uncalled for and innappropriate, I think the worst but more appropriate word is 'calculated', that's what occurred to me a couple of days before this. And I still kick myself for failure to find a voice, but I hope I will/ can. I did much better tonight- way more assertive for me. He started like always, but this time I didn't bite. Normally I would just feel sympathetic, or even just try to be.
And I realize more, too, once again I didn't acknowledge what was bothering me (this), but ended up all stressed-out and afraid and feeling physically and mentally like crap. And that it's my fault. And then, too, the whole train of thoughts.
Because to be frank, I actually am glad I did go 2000 km away instead of marrying that person, I SHOULD have run, it was an awful relationship and would have been the biggest mistake of my life. (But yes, I do understand about the sofa! :hug: ). And ya, falling asleep in a house of strangers, well, not generally-speaking with ptsd. Even if they're not beside me.
And similarly, I've had just fine relationships with 'normal' guys, even if that wasn't the right person for 'forever'.
And I'm all worried about work, but also worried about my schedule which is not by responsiblity, I cannot schedule myself.
And my 2 'estranged' sisters, well I try to make the peace I can, and have. We have missed each other's lives. But I couldn't continue with what was destroying me, either.
And my sister here, well only the last 7 years have been difficult.
And I feel good in healthy places, and I can recognize what isn't healthy (or how I feel).
In fact, I was thinking yesterday (and in a happy way), there is just one thing I have done that I think is of more value than anything else I've done in all my life combined. And it has nothing to do with work, or whether or not I had kids or not, or most factors like that, absolutely nothing.
Nope, all this junk is my baggage, well, my meltdown and then self-blame for others' actions that are not acceptable. I have always (by creeps) been told "I" was the one that 'caused' it. I think this is progress for me, to say they were wrong. They were wrong in what they did, or tried to do.
And you know what, on my phone I put what I try to remember to help, and it beeped like a text before I came home, and the last one was there, scrolling on it's own, it said "God is close to the broken-hearted". And it occurred to me, yes I am (and I know how much we all feel that way), and therefore (to God) that is an ok fact, and He is there. For me, too, not just who I have tried to be compassionate to. But that God could be saying, it's ok to be compassionate towards myself. I have rights too. That's hard to say, or think, but maybe that's so then. That even at least to God, how I feel matters, too.
Thank you dear Abstract, like I said it means much to me to hear that from you. And I will follow what you say, will likely see him tomorrow (every day at work) again.
Thank you so much, ((((((((Sweet Abstract)))))))).
