I Have Been In Rage Mode

[mamachick]

Thanks safenow. I think it will help when I finally make it there. The police dept is still fighting to prevent. It was originally filed in civil court but they fought and it was moved to federal court. That where it should have been in the first place and that is what my attorney said he was doing. His assistant said it was done. Then the attorney lost a case with this federal judge (the only judge possible) and the attorney dropped the case at the last minute. He said nobody can win because the judge does not allow pertinent information in favor of plaintiff, but allow cops any information against the plaintiff. Without saying it, he said the judge was a crook.

I hope that is not true. At this point, the police are trying their hardest to have it thrown out of federal court, and that is possible because of my first attorneys screw ups. Personally, would not surprise me if the attorney did this deliberately to keep it from going to trial since he doesnt usually do civil rights but represents criminals, and criminal attorneys make deals everyday on the court house steps with prosecutors, magistrates, and cops

At any rate, I will fight tooth and nail to have this case heard and I am holding onto faith that the judge would be appalled to know that a woman was drug from HER home and assaulted by a cop, because HE CAN.

A couple years ago while selecting a jury and questioning them, a young lady said she could not say if she had negative or positive attitude toward police and then broke down. She was 22 yrs old and taken into judges chambers as she did not feel comfortable sharing. Then she said that when she was 15 she met a guy on line that called himself "hotcop" I think. Anyway, he took her to his apartment and had sex with her. They investigated and found that he used another cops real name and was now working 500 miles away on a different police force. He denied it to the end. He was found guilty because there was proof that he raped her. She knew the layout of his apartment, which he claimed she never entered.

I know I was targeted because I advocated for women and knew too much. I did this for 8 years and the cops dont like you knowing they, or which ones beat and abuse their women. They dont like you knowing their business-even though I could not share it. This guy claimed I was someone else but that really does not matter. Clearly, when a homeowner asks a house guest to leave because they are inappropriate-the police have no right to say that the homeowner has to let them into their bedroom to help themselves. Here, if you say "no I do not give permission but will not attempt to interfere"-they call that "obstruction", which is a felony. My daughter watched all of this and saw a gun stuck in my face. This cop needs to be fired and never work in LE again. I have not had one good night sleep since. I really need my day in court. I only wish I had more support where I live, but I cant talk about it. I am afraid daily of being targeted again. I am broken. I dont even have rage. Im just broke. I dont let people in my house much and dont go out much since. Now I accepted a job but am reconsidering. If I ever needed to call police, I dont think I could. I would let someone shoot me first.

I thank you so much for your support. I wish I could speak up for others again. Without advocating and doing what I did, I cant find a life purpose and just dont want to be here. I hate living. I feel like its a punishment to have to get up and be alive everyday. I am not the person I was. It was like a kidnapping-best I can describe. Then I was drug around in magistrate court with my breasts exposed in front of former co workers and criminals. The city has a 25, 000 population-so you can imagine.

 

[safenow]

Then I was drug around in magistrate court with my breasts exposed in front of former co workers and criminals.

I had a similar experience a number of years back.

I passed out while talking on the phone with a friend. He called the police, they came out and I didn't hear them come in. The one cop grabbed my arm, speaking in a gruff voice, and I popped him in the nose. I honestly didn't know he was a cop. He literally dragged me from my home, screaming. He pulled my garment up over my face as they took me out of the house and exposed my breasts to my neighbors who had all come outside because of my yelling.

I never scream, but that day I sure did. When we got to police headquarters, I told them, I didn't have my wheelchair, and couldn't stand. They didn't care. With hands cuffed behind my back, they literally dragged me down the hall and tossed me into a cell. I laid on the floor because I couldn't stand up. It was a horrific time. I'm lucky in that I had a good judge. When I told the attorney appointed to me about what happened, she spoke to the judge and he dismissed charges in the interest of justice.

I wish you could get a judge like him.

 

[mamachick]

Wow you have been through it then safenow. I am sorry that you had to , and glad for justice. It is hard to know what another experiences from such experience. I survived rape without mental damage, this was the nail in the coffin. Why do we repspond so dirreentlyly? You seem so very strong. Thank you for sharing this. It is very helpful to see your survival.

 

[shoulderblades]

When we got to police headquarters, I told them, I didn't have my wheelchair, and couldn't stand. They didn't care. With hands cuffed behind my back, they literally dragged me down the hall and tossed me into a cell. I laid on the floor because I couldn't stand up. It was a horrific time.

Oh my god, what the hell!!!! That is AWFUL. All of it! I'm so sorry you had to go through something so demoralising and demeaning. That is just awful. I am gobsmacked. Whenever I think I can't be more appalled at the so-called "justice" system, someone tells me or speaks up about an encounter they had with the "justice" system and I am rendered speechless all over again.

Why do we repspond so dirreentlyly?

A combination of predisposed personality traits, experiences, different routines and agendas of abuse and trauma, and the different ways in which we are programmed to respond (or not respond, as is in some cases) to the abuse and/or traumas we've been exposed to.

Human beings are complex creatures. Our consciousness and our ego are forever at a battle with each other, and when you combine that with the horrifying things many of us here have been forced to endure, it's no wonder the human reaction to abuse and trauma is so varied and impossible to encapsulate in neat little categories.

 

[mamachick]

shoulderbaldes-I could not agree more about thinking I heard it all, and then there is even more horrific injustice.

I kind of mis-spoke in my last post as well. Of course I do not mean that all these things did not effect me mentally or emotionally, they all have. We are so complex as you say. I really did not recognize that somewhere in my wiring, something like this could break me, but it did. I have always been a person that gets up again. I really dont believe that I will ever be able to stand on my own two feet again, after 4 years, I admit I still cannot.

I tend to think of others who have had it much worse. As a kid, Im sure I suffered toxic stress, but I got out of that situation. Throughout life, I have landed back in toxic situations, but always able to survive, learn, make the changes in time, and come to thrive again and keep my sense of humor, which is what I have always thought has saved me. My sense of humor is mostly gone. Turns out the joke was really on me, the system has made that perfectly clear.

I like your explanation too. I really sums up what happens to humans very well.

 

[shoulderblades]

I tend to think of others who have had it much worse

I do, too. I think a lot of us here do.

We become immune to our own abuse; when something is normal to our lives, it's impossible to understand any differently. We develop the coping skills to deal with it: those coping skills manifest in whatever we may find comfort in, and the comfort creates a buffer zone all around us, like a callous, that doesn't protect or save us from ongoing abuse but allows us just enough of a shell that we are able to continue living the life we have to face.

Problem is, that 'comfort callous' becomes our blinkers. We lose all sight of the impact the abuse is having on us because we're only focused on straight ahead: just getting through it. Constant chronic survival mode. With these blinkers on, it blocks out all peripheral vision in our lives; we don't see all the scars and bruises and pain all over us from trauma. But we can see everyone else's and we can see how awful and bad their scars and bruises are, while being oblivious to our own. So of course we'll naturally think they're in a much worse situation or state than ourselves.

Those blinkers are damn hard to wrench off. Once we recognise we do have blinkers, we spend the rest of our lives slowly chipping them off. Slowly. Because those blinkers are so calloused, it's like trying to chip through iron.

 

[mamachick]

Great way to describe shoulderblades. Wow do I feel like I am chipping through iron and how impossible it is.

I dont know if others feel this way, but I have gotten to the point that I isolate, for the obvious reason of being distrustful. Yet I had a fluttering moment of wanting to pull away from my daughter recently as I am afraid I will hurt her in some way. I am not violent or rageful or vendictive or anything such as that. Im afraid that she will somehow be hurt by her affiliation with me. She is about to graduate from saw school and today we went shopping for a dress for a ball she is going to at the law school. We drove an hour and half to big city to shop today, and I felt safe and we laughed and had good time. It was wonderful. But we have to return home.

Last night her and her friends were at local pub, just few blocks from house. One of the cops involved was one of 2 cops working the door on week end night. This cop was female and did not do anything to hurt me, it was her male partner, but she didnt do anything to stop it either. My daughter told her friends that when they leave, if any cop is around or follows them out, that her friends are to go on and she will walk home alone. She is a smart girl. She is neither paranoid or overly concerned, but knows that she may be target of law enforcement because my case is now public. She does not want her friends injured, just as I dont want her injured by my taking action. Yet of course when she told me this, I was upset because she could be hurt walking alone and there would be no witnesses. At least I have 2 witnesses to much of what happened to me.

My heart just breaks. A couple of months ago I broke down crying. Then she was crying and said that she wished he did this to her and not me. She said she wished this because she does not know how to help me, and I have always known how to help her. She still knows me as her mother that will support and guide her through troubled times, whatever they are. She has had a pretty stable life except for this and following this. She will be 25 this month. Our roles have swithched. Im lost.