Sufferer Hello, New To The Forum. Survivor Of Chronic Abuse

[Don't trip]

"Don't trip, chocolate chip!" ...my daughter's response to my triggers, hence the 'don't trip' as my name here. It adds humor to a very humorless disorder.

I have a tendency to be wordy, so I'll try to keep this short. The rules and legalities here are a little overwhelming and this site very busy, so it will take some time to navigate. I tend to be a bit TOO assertive, I'm positive now, part of my PTSD.

I'm a survivor of life time chronic abuse. I have been abuse free for two years. I'm a domestic violence advocate, with a specialty in supporting and mentoring survivors of personality disordered individuals of the Cluster B. I have a blog and have been writing for two years. I put this site on my blog roll today, as last night I perused this site and found it to be helpful and thought readers might as well.

Ironically, while on face book, I realized that it triggers me BIG TIME. I have been in therapy working with a trauma specialist for a year. I deactivated my account and my blog, however, this morning received many emails from survivors who were very upset about the blog removal, so I reactivated it and have decided to remain away from facebook and not to post for awhile.

I see that I'm controlling, angry and projecting and with this discovery, feel I'm better off taking a break and doing more work on myself. There are so many posts here that resonate with me. My immediate inclination is to post and post and post. I feel like this is home. So many things I've not been able to describe in what's going on with me, lie within the posts of this forum.

I have filed for disability, but am 'too functional' I believe, to get it. Although I have been diagnosed with two autoimmune and a serious spine issue that requires surgery, no matter, I push myself, even though I should not.

My disorder is beginning to feel like narcissism. My therapist thinks I pathologize myself too much, but I haven't yet reconciled the anger, bitterness, and have a bit of denial about my PTSD. I've put on the mask of 'survivor' and was not willing to succumb to a stigma, wanting to be the 'star' patient or client. I believe I have sabotaged myself by not being realistic and swinging between extremes, I'm fine, I"m not truly 'disabled', yet my history shows inconsistencies and an inability to maintain a passion without sabotaging it. This is very alarming and painful for me. I want to believe I can 'just get over this' because I have the perception that 'caving' means my abusers win.

Truthfully, I'm really hurting with accepting the truth of myself. Since all of this is just coming to the surface of my awareness, I'm not sure how to handle it. I don't know where the balance is and I need to find it, because all of my pushing, physically and emotionally is causing pain to myself and to others.

Anyway, thank you for reading and I look forward to reading more of your posts and insights.

 

[safenow]

HI Don't trip,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. I like your daughter's nick name for you. LOL. Cute.

Be sure to put some double space between your paragraphs. It makes it easier to read.

I'm rather old, and when I was young, they called my personality disorder Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), now they call it Dissociate Identity Disorder (DID). Would you please explain to me (this old brain) what "Cluster B" means? Thus, my diagnoses is PTSD from multiple traumas, plus MPD/DID.

I don't do Face Book myself. I found it is not good for me. Too much garbage and invasion of privacy. But I must say, I love it here. The people are so supportive and kind. Each of us is doing our level best to walk the journey to healing. While it is true that there is no cure for PTSD, the good thing is, we can live a relative normal (if you want to call it that) life. What I mean is, I worked for years (off and on). I was married (off and on), I have close friends (a couple), and I am happy (off and on). Giggle.

You will find some great information here, and I know there will be many people stop by to say hi.

Nice to meet you.

 

[nursenurse]

Welcome, lots of good things here, as you already know. I am glad you have a therapist, hopefully you will find the support you need here to move forward with your therapy :)

 

[Don't trip]

Safenow,

Thank you for your kind response and the heads up about the forum. I have 6 children and I am very open about my PTSD. We try to invoke humor and sometimes, it really helps, but that one sentence by my daughter, can stop a trigger in its tracks!

Thank you for the reminder about paragraphing. In answer to your question about disorders, I'm really glad you asked for clarification. The Cluster B of disorders in the DSM -IV-TR are listed as the 'erratic and dramatic' of disorders. They are the following: Antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder. They are the disorders of low/no empathy/conscience. They are referred to in other terms not listed as part of the DSM category, but widely known as sociopaths, psychopaths and narcissists. I take issue with the borderlines however, because some of the survivors I have supported, do indeed have this disorder and are very capable of change, when the other three are not, so I do not refer to borderlines in my writing when discussing the aftermath of the Cluster B variety on survivors lives, many of whom suffer from PTSD, as these disorders do tremendous and deep damage to the survivor. They are highly abusive and they are a disorder of extremes in every way. They often target those who are most vulnerable, including, but not limited too, childhood abuse survivors, subsequently aggravating a survivors PTSD. Many of the survivors I work with are unaware of their PTSD, to which I highly encourage and refer to trauma therapists when I see it. I love my work and the survivors I've met are some of the strongest people I've ever known. I hope that answers your question.

Facebook is a nightmare and I agree with you about the invasion of privacy. I have discovered that I'm highly sensitive to outside stimuli and there is nothing like facebook to kick my anxiety into gear. I'm constantly triggered and when I am, I give too much TMI, always looking for external answers, rather than looking internally when I'm on it. With all of my health issues right now and being poor and on medicaid, I'm having to advocate for myself and I'm not doing well at it as I feel the stigmas attached to those who are on it and have had a lot of difficulty seeing the specialists I need to see with all the game playing in just being seen. That's a huge trigger for me and I don't think I'm handling my self advocacy well, as I'm pushing the envelope in going over heads and telling the truth about how those with disorders or health issues are treated, especially the poor.

Safenow, have you struggled with consistency with regards to work or school? I want to get out into the world and am only partially isolated, but it seems the more I try, I'm good for awhile and then lose steam. Is this common for PTSD'ers?

Nurse, thank you for your kind welcome. :)

Safenow, is this better? I hope I'm doing this right now so you can read better? Again, thank you so much for replying to my post. I feel most welcomed.

 

[safenow]

Safenow, have you struggled with consistency with regards to work or school?

Oh my, Yes! It was excruciatingly difficult.

When I was young, I was groomed to become a different type of person. I wanted to go to school, they wanted me to serve men and women. I used to sneak out of the house and go to school. When I got caught, I was forced to stop, but once I got away from my family, I did keep going back to school. I always got high marks, but when something triggered me, I'd disappear, another alter would come out and live for a while. Gosh, it's hard to explain.

I"m going to go to my dairy/journal and try to figure out how to express it where it makes sense. Then, I'll come back here and give you a link to that particular post.

 

[Don't trip]

Safenow,

Thank you! I would love to read about your experience!

 

[safenow]

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/how-it-all-began.30110/page-29#post-526418[/DLMURL]

I do hope it answers your question.

 

[shoulderblades]

Big welcome to the forum, Trip. You're amongst kindred spirits who are even wordier. Hope you find the help and support you need here. :-)

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I'm pleased you found us.

 

[Pietro]

I wonder what it is about Facebook that makes it so difficult for us. I have a very hard time using it.

My disorder is beginning to feel like narcissism. My therapist thinks I pathologize myself too much, but I haven't yet reconciled the anger, bitterness, and have a bit of denial about my PTSD.

I've also been very angry about having PTSD -- the realization that I was messed with by one or more people, and that I've only realized how it's screwed-up my life all these decades later, does not make me high on life. Also, the fact that I have only a vague idea of who and what might have even caused my trauma makes things worse.

One of the hardest things I go through is having to second-guess every thought now. Am I being "reasonable", or is it the "trauma talking"? Am I reasoning from the present, or are my decisions being made based on a present that's filtered by feelings from the past? It's like we're young children having to learn basic life behaviors all over again, because, the first time around, what we learned was incorrect and even harmful. But I think that's also the key -- and the thing that convinces me that there's hope of recovery.

 

[Don't trip]

Thank you for the warm welcome.

Pietro,

Your words resonate...

I think we really are having to learn in building a new foundation for ourselves, one that was never taught to us appropriately, you are so right about that.

I think that's probably where I'm most angry about my PTSD. Learning on my own has been so hard. I'm navigating without a compass.

I think if there were no hope for recovery, we wouldn't reach out. :)

Blessing...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)