Why Is The Idea Of Caring For Myself So Disturbing?

[Eleanor]

The trouble is that my head does apply it to everyone at all times. I am irritated by people who say "I'm pacing myself" instead of going on until they drop. I know it doesn't make sense, but knowing doesn't make it any easier to overcome.

Rats, I was hoping that articulating the whole irrationality thing might shake something loose - sometimes it works. So... when you make that judgment of others does the feeling come first, or does the thought? If it is the feeling you might try some classical desensitization - watch movies or documentaries about people taking care of themselves and notice when the irritation comes up and just... watch it. Try to approve. Try to talk yourself into approving. Remind yourself that you CHOOSE to approve. It will take a bit, but you can retrain your "gut" to react differently. It takes a lot of repetition. I promise, if you do this it will not feel like self-care.:yuck:;)

Thoughts are habits too and can be changed with repetition as well. Just a suggestion, take it if it seems good. If not, no worries.

 

[ms spock]

For me, some of it is that I had a very invalidating childhood, and in a way, I feel like if I take care of myself well, then people will use that to invalidate me again, like what happened must not have been that bad, because look, you are coping fine. Or something like that.

Yes I can relate to that type of thinking and feeling.

 

[Abstract]

Can you tell me more about what you mean?

Hi Stenni,

I really don’t know that much about this but I do know that a lot of the progress I have made in recent years is in this department. And that it has made a big difference. I certainly am not nearly where I need to be yet but there is some progress.

I guess when we have a strong self we know who we are and what we think in all its diversity and we have a sense of our place in the world and in ourselves. And that somehow makes it easier to take care of ourselves. When we have changes happen then we don't feel everything is unravelling. I think in the past things almost fell through me in a sense. I struggled to learn or change things when it came to self care. I didn’t seem to be able to view the situation in any real way. My sense of who I was was also distorted as self hatred etc got in the way. It still does.

I also did not build self esteem as that too fell through in a sense as I could not really hold onto who I was so relating things that I felt good about to me didn’t really seem to be relevant. There are other reasons for that too but that was one of them.

And when things went wrong I always had that Alice-in-wonderland-falling-down-the-rabbit-hole feeling. There was nothing to anchor myself down with. Everything I thought I knew would shift and it felt very threatening.

Now sometimes I am able to still feel like my feet are steady and that I am able to do the steps that I need to do. Its not so much that everything is all fine but rather that when I am in crisis I can hold onto some sense of what is what.

I am not sure if any of that makes any sense as it is hard to put into words but feel free to ask me to clarify.

'm afraid to tell you this post irks m

Pencil,

I am sorry it irked you and I did realise it did from your response but didn't want to derail Stenni's thread.

I really do think I understand some of why and that it is very painful for you.

When I say that stuff it isn’t aimed at you specifically at all as I don’t know your inner world enough to even hazard a guess at what is and isn’t right. It is rather just a general comment and not one I came to easily or even naturally. When I first heard similar sentiments I was disturbed and could not think it was right. My instincts said it was wrong.

It has taken listening to others for me to change my mind. People who felt that they needed to have total contact with a therapist in order to heal and who then had it and had their lives devastated. And who then were helped in a way where there was deep trust and empathy with a therapist but firm boundaries where they were responsible for themselves. And that that was when they started getting better and their lives started righting themselves. And I had people telling me that although many feel that it is what is needed to get well that it is harmful. Some of these were therapists themselves too. I think that’s why DBT is so helpful for so many as it is validating and affirming but sets strong boundaries of self and other and self responsibility.

I think I reacted at first (when I heard these sentiments) because I found the concept harsh and also maybe that I could not understand why it would be a good idea. And on a personal level because I find it so hard to be Ok with needing help and support and having needs, it sort of tapped into the not so helpful self judgements and trust issues and brought out all the painful feelings surrounding need and others and trust.

Please don’t take my comments as a judgement of what you need and rather just as a general comment. If you want to discuss it further on your thread then that would be fine.

 

[Abstract]

I relate a lot to the things people are bringing up. For one having needs at all is something I found and still find terribly difficult. Any need and that includes basics such as sleep and food and other concepts such as help. Its only in the last couple of years I have realised I need others and the realisation sort of horrified me in a way.

I think thats one of the reasons my deep instinct is to reject all for all I am worth. Maybe somewhere deep inside that lies the feeling that realising that I have them and starting to try to meet them and not having them met would be devastating. And that people could use my needs against me.

Need is a four letter word isn't it?! ;)

 

[shell]

Self care for me feels like something I don't deserve, it's that self belief that was drummed into me from an early age that I shouldn't have needs.

Maybe it was because having needs was dangerous, there was only one need in my family of origin, that was to meet her every need so she didn't get angry and violent. I have found it a little threatening to try and change my self belief, it's almost like I expect that backhander around the head, and her screams "what do you think your doing ?"

When I was praised for my self care this week in therapy, I felt the need to correct him and point out that actually it was just that I wasn't self abusing, because I was ashamed that he might think that I thought I deserved any better.

I totally get this thread, for me self care doesn't feel safe, it feels selfish and needy, but I am working on that one.

 

[Don't trip]

Stenni, excuse my writing here as I'm on my tablet and just getting use to it. I grew up in a wealthy pathological family where my role was as scapegoat. I was the family poison container. Success as human being was defined in terms of the most shallow and image projected nonsense. Because I did not go along with this and intuitively new my family was a whole lofts screwed up. They sabotaged me with daily reminders of what a loser failure and non committal person I was. My response to all the sexual abuse by all that males and triangulating of the jealousies of my mother and sister competing for this unwanted male attention I was getting was to bust my ass in making them all happy. They new this too so I was exploited to the hilt. I learned you can never please psychopaths.

Ugh! Sorry I don't know how to paragraph on this yet!

Anyway, I learned to be an enabling people pleasing nightmare with a touch of martyr syndrome as well as resentment leading to suppressed rage acted out in passive aggressive behaviour and self sabotage an outcome of total self loathing. So I kicked them all to the curb. A decision made in self care and self love. I was crazy emotionally dependent. My abusers loved it! Self care means more to me now Stenni. It means I don't people please because of my addiction to dependence. It means I learn to love myself enough to believe that I can make choices to learn how to be independent. It means telling others no but embracing love for me with yes to myself! Of course that would feel scrappy because all the old behaviours are addictive. I look at old behaviour as an addiction to overcome.

Self care means I stay on the wagon and work with new behaviours. That is the ultimate in self care and love, Stenni. It takes time. Try one thing on your list to work on at a time for it is the work of change and implementing it, while hard and painful that is what true self care means. Replace selfish with self care or love and see if it helps. I have found that what I say to myself matters too.

 

[Sandstone]

I am not sure if any of that makes any sense as it is hard to put into words

It makes complete sense, and yes it is horrendously hard to put into words.

Can you tell me what has enabled you to make progress?

not having them met would be devastating

I'd much rather rely on myself than ask others for help. And if I let myself down, as I almost inevitably will, then that just confirms my view of myself.

Asking for anything is so dangerous isn't it? I can't currently manage to go to the hairdressers (pinned down while someone does something to me) so when my hair starts to look and feel dreadful, I cut it myself. This last time I thought it looked pretty reasonable. After 26 hours my husband had not acknowledged a length change of over two inches and I had vanished into a pit of self loathing. Obviously I wasn't even capable of judging how something looked, or I was as invisible as I felt, or so scary and unpredictable that it wasn't safe to speak at all. As you put it

And when things went wrong I always had that Alice-in-wonderland-falling-down-the-rabbit-hole feeling. There was nothing to anchor myself down with. Everything I thought I knew would shift and it felt very threatening.

. I can't believe that I could feel that over something so trivial.

Anyway the point is, eventually i did ask him about it, but by then there was no good answer he could give. I'd have been better just to absorb those feelings myself and get on with it than to bring it up.I can't work out if that conclusion is true self care or a complete distortion.

 

[Pencil]

If you want to discuss it further on your thread then that would be fine.

So, you wanna take this outside?

Seriously: OK, I'm going to formulate a response on the Attachment Issues thread. I'll let you know when it's done. Thanks for responding.

 

[Pencil]

Human beings are biological and social beings, we have needs. If they don't get met we are at best crippled (temporarily or permanently) and at worst we die.

Amen, sister.

 

[Mayday]

Just been mulling things over in my head...and thinking back to being a kid and the responses/reactions I got whenever I expressed a need, or when someone else expressed a need on my behalf (like a teacher saying I needed something or other) and it's no wonder I have trouble with self care, when those responses were generally a mix of anger, resentment, frustration, blame etc.. all seemingly directed at me and the trouble I caused by just existing.

On some level, when it comes to self care, I think I still have this attitude towards myself of seeing it as a major inconvenience that I exist at all, and even worse than simply existing, I have the nerve to have "needs"! It's like I'm almost indignant about it, like when I left home, I picked up the attitude that looking after me was an unpleasant chorea, and I've carried that attitude ever since.

Frustrating how I can see that fairly clearly, yet still not be able to apply it to myself in any tangible way.

 

[Pencil]

I'm hijacking this thread again, but I think the issue of self care and self harm are intertwined, and I would still like to hear others' responses to it. Self care can only go that far and no further, and my needs are way bigger than what I can provide for, and so ignoring it just seems the less painful way of dealing with it. When I was 'needy' in any way as a child, the result was usually getting beaten, or something similar. As a result, I started beating myself when I wanted attention or love or anything else. Looking back I think I took a very sensible shortcut :D. Now I understand the endorphin connection, it seems like an even more sensible solution to the problem. Self care, being kind to myself etc simply won't produce endorphins in the same way or quantity, so it really seems like a silly solution. In fact, it feels like impotent self-pity.

Edit: This post was actually supposed to be a response to Mayday's post in Adults and Self harm (can't remember the title properly)

 

[Mayday]

I think the issue of self care and self harm are intertwined

I agree...I don't whether they are on opposite ends of a sliding scale...or what the connection is, but it's no surprise to me that a lot of people who struggle with self care would also self harm.