Sufferer Survivor Of Gun Violence

[cattsrangels2]

Hi,

My name is Patti. I have had severe PTSD since 2010. I lived in a very violent city and the area I was in was often in the line of fire. In 2010 while I laid in bed I heard a rapid succession of gun fire. I later found out it was coming from my apartment building. The main shooter shot off a porch twenty feet above my bedroom. He used a semi automatic gun and fired off twelve shots in five seconds.

The next morning I stopped living. Didn't want to eat, drink or otherwise take care of myself. I began having nightmares, day mares, flashbacks and hypersensitivity to loud sudden noises. I became angry and severely depressed. Some have downplayed it as if I would be ok if I got out more. One day a couple of batteries rolled off my desk onto my hardwood floor. I doubled over and cried. I didn't think about it. Just reacted. To something inside me I was going through that day again.

I have learned coping skills (chamomile tea, sugar free hot chocolate, deep breaths, soothing music and walking) but don't feel I will ever get over it. How do you gain control over reactions you had no control over in the first place? I am seeing a therapist but need support from others as well.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

 

[cattsrangels2]

T

Welcome to the forum. :)

Thank you

 

[intothelight]

Hi Patti,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

How do you gain control over reactions you had no control over in the first place?

As you learn to recognize what triggers set off the reactions, then you can learn to manage the reactions over time. With therapy, use of various techniques and practice, you will find yourself less hyper-vigilant.

I hope you find the information and support on this site helpful as you work on healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[cattsrangels2]

Thanks. I know it will take time. My therapist says that it may not be cured but I can learn to cope.

I have to be very careful with TV shows and movies with guns in them. Even a second of automatic gun fire can sometimes set off a reaction. I don't get hysterical. I just feel like electricity hits me and I can have trouble breathing. Strange thing is that the next time I may not react to the same noise.

I do a lot of self talk and self soothing. I have to reassure myself that this isn't self pity. It is far above and beyond that. That it's a miracle I have made it this far. I just wish I could see that more often. I sure have learned more about how to love myself. I sometimes have to remind myself to treat myself with the same TLC I would treat others with who are going through the same thing. Easier said than done.

The biggest problem is that this isn't something I talk myself into. It is not like I'm sitting around thinking my way into being like this. PTSD is so much more intense. I just react to things but is something deep inside me. It's as if what happened has been burned inside me.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[cattsrangels2]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Thanks

 

[safenow]

Hi cattsrangels2,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Bless your heart. I feel bad for you, and understand what you are asking. When I'm under stress, I still jump and duck when I hear what sounds like gun fire. It is something that never goes away, but it does get better. When it is gun fire, you need that "duck" reaction. It can save your life.

The hard part is learning how to find that "calm" after it first happens. Time and a good therapist can help a lot. Also, being in a place where you don't have to be around it is so important. Getting out of a violent area can help you heal a lot faster. I have so many grounding tools because I have PTSD from multiple traumas over 65 years, and I am 67 years old now. And I even learned a new one just the other week. I am old, and now (in 2013) there are so many good tools you can gain access to. I'm sure others will come along and tell you about them.

You spoke of television programs you can't watch. I had to stop watching any type of television. The sounds I hear are only the real things. Movies or music about violence keeps me triggered, and I don't need that. It was a low-level trigger, but I don't want any deliberate triggers. I have enough that sneak up on me. The real world is bad enough. Who needs the constant nonsense that everything always turn out right in a half hour or hour? I sure don't, because I know that is not the way things work.

When I need fantasy, I watch things that make me laugh or lift my spirit. I go to the beach, or mountains (when I was able). I go to the desert, or other places that feel safe to me. In the city I just don't feel safe any longer. I haven't for years and years. Sigh.

Sorry. I was trying to help, but then I am probably not the one who you need to be talking to. The only way I can help is to give you ways to ground your nerves, or help when you have flashbacks or just be here if you need to talk.

You will find many great people here. They are kind, caring, and very supportive. There is also some great information here. Take your time and look around. Keep talking to your therapist. I hope that jerk who did that is no longer living where you do, and that you can stay safe. Nice to meet you.

 

[cattsrangels2]

Thank you. What you said is helpful. It helps to have a kindred spirit with others experiencing the same things. I tend to dissociate a lot. Over the past few days I had two nightmares. One was about shooting. Over the weekend I felt like doing nothing and couldn't figure out why. I hate not having control. When I have a reaction I tell myself it is okay and do deep breathing. I have friends who are cops and still can't look at their gun belts without kind of freaking inside. I have to tell myself ----good guys have guns too. The thug didn't get much time. He pled guilty and got off on most charges including five charges of endangerment. Go figure. He's out of prison on parole and I feel like I am in a prison. Not fair. I want to try to forgive him though. I have enough pain without including anger at him.

 

[safenow]

I want to try to forgive him though.

I hear you, but even though you forgive, don't turn your back on him. Bullets can go through walls.

 

[bensnapped]

I have also become hyper sensitive to sounds. In my case it's more like they drive me insane.

Have you come up with any strategies to shield yourself for a while from surprise sounds?

I always have a full ear covering headset next to me in bed and/or with me. I have 3 mp3 players with me at any time, so that I can play music to drown out loud sounds. Sometimes I sleep with the headset on. I never leave my room without them. It gives me a barrier.

I actually bought a headset for construction workers. It has mp3 function and a microphone so I can hear people, that I can turn on or off when I like. Maybe this would give you a buffer.

I also always put napkins under any plate etc. I don't like the sound of glass on tile or whatever.

I have come up with a lot of little things. Hopefully that gives you some ideas.

 

[cattsrangels2]

A few years ago when I lived at that same place a bullet did go through my walls. We don't know if it was just a New Year's Eve fool shooting off a gun to "celebrate" or just a plain fool. The bullet was too destroyed for the police to do any kind of an identification thing. I was sleeping when it happened.

I heard a noise but thought it was one my cats. The next day was when I found the holes. It had gone through a window in my back spare room first and ended up in my bedroom on the other end. I was hysterical. When I saw the cop find the bullet I cried so uncontrollably they called for the police chaplain to get me calmed down. But the shootout I was awake for.

The whole time. I heard every shot from start to finish and there were so many shots in such a short amount of time. I think that is why it has affected me so much. There was a street behind that building that has a lot of gun activity. The neighborhood I was in was well known for its gun violence and drugs. I'm not living there any more. I moved a few months after it happened.