Why Wouldn't They Trust Me?

[cookinggal]

I found today one of the bags of trash I'd thrown out a few weeks ago. I found it in the hallway opened, why can't my parents trust me? It's not like I'm taking drugs, it's a complete violation of my privacy. When will this craziness end, when I move out? I know they don't go through my brothers bags of trash that he dumps out.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Can you give more info?

Trust is a product of consistent performance over time. Has anything happened in the recent past that was inconsistent with how you generally are in your life?

I was a drunken, drugged out mess throughout junior high through high school. Nobody cared enough to look through my garbage or even notice, so I can't relate to that. As a Mom, though, I know if I thought my kids were in danger, I'd rather have them mad at me than dead.

Is there something they might be worrying about?

 

[Sick of Fear]

I agree with BloomInWinter. It may not be that they don't trust you, but rather that they are concerned about you. Have you tried talking to them to see why they feel the need to do this?

 

[cookinggal]

I was a drunken, drugged out mess throughout junior high through high school. Nobody cared enough to look through my garbage or even notice, so I can't relate to that. As a Mom, though, I know if I thought my kids were in danger, I'd rather have them mad at me than dead.

Is there something they might be worrying about?

I have to quote this whole post because I was drinking in high school, they didn't know until the sexual assault that I was taking their alcohol, so I got more creative. That's beside the point though, I'm obviously different now I'm much more cautious about everything but that's not suggestive that I'm falling back into this trap I walked straight into for the sexual assault.

All of their actions on top of my PTSD lead me to self harm and who knows how long that will last.

 

[Jlso111187]

I had parents who went through my stuff too, My mom did it because thats the only way she could find out anything about me and what was going on in my life. I was down a self distructive path and it was my mom snooping that caught it. I know it seems like they are doing it to make you mad or they dont trust you, but they obviously love you if they are willing to make you mad to make sure that your alright.

 

[The Albatross]

Cooking gal, if you can recognize that you created the environment inadvertently, as a consequence of your behavior... I know for me that helps me deal with the feelings. I am experiencing a consequence based on past actions. As I develop a consistently new and more benefical "motus operandi" the tensions will ease.

The flip side of the not trusting you issue, is that you appear to have parents who want to know what is going on with you, though they are not (for whatever reason) electing to initiate a discussion. You can do so, initiate a discussion, if you choose. But know that what you are experiencing with your parents is maybe 50% better than some of us.

Sometimes I benefit by putting things into context. I can be clearly off base with respect to your situation. But I tend to sort now, experiences as one for ones/ consequences/patterns of behavior (my own and my family's). I hope this helps you.

 

[cookinggal]

Jlso I'm not going down a destructive path, I went to AA for them I don't drink anymore then an occasional Margarita or glass of wine when its been a bad week. The only conversations about the Self Harm go something like "your hurting yourself. No I'm not. I don't believe you. Okay whatever." End conversation. If they wont believe me about anything why would I talk to them. My friend who also Self Harms understands this and also hides it from her family because they all act the same like were crazy or stupid for doing this. Their actions are also why I go out with friends so often.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I guess I'm confused. So, you are engaging in self-harm behaviors but deny it to your parents when they ask? If that is the case, can you see why that mixed message mike make them believe they need other info besides your word that you indeed are ok?

Forgive me if I've misunderstood what you are saying.

 

[The Albatross]

Um... a pattern of communication avoidance, is not a benefirical thing. Have the conversation. Qut avoiding opportunities to communicate, even if it s the more difficult thing to do. Trust me. But I am 52 plus, you are much younger. I just know I would have been better served with dialogue, however more difficult that may have been. I do it now, and am cool with it. I wish someone would have encouraged me to push through the uncomfortable things for long term benefits.

 

[cookinggal]

Um... a pattern of communication avoidance, is not a beneficial thing. Have the conversation. Quit avoiding opportunities to communicate, even if it s the more difficult thing to do. Trust me. But I am 52 plus, you are much younger. I just know I would have been better served with dialogue, however more difficult that may have been

I have a son that is 3 now and an 11 month old I know how to have the more difficult conversations but how does one talk about self harm to parents who have sheltered you and done everything they could to keep you from exploring being a teenager all your life. I went to private schools throughout my education and was forced to keep up with homework that when I did start experimenting with alcohol and such it showed while I was in High School.
They try so hard to just protect me from life but isn't it part of life to experiment when your a teenager and experiment with alcohol at 21? I just want the chance to do that. I can't even tell my mom that when I go to college parties and raves I experiment with drinking and such. She never did these things as a teenager.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Cookinggal,

Are you seeing a therapist? This would be a good question to ask of him/her if so.

You're not just their daughter, you're a Mom and the Mother of their grandchildren. Actively self-harming is a sign you need more support, not less. Your babies deserve a healthy Mom and you deserve to live a healthy life.

Have you told your doctor about this?

Who watches the kids when you're out? Do you have safe people to help you? If thre are safe ones, you might ask them for more help with what is causing current stress.

Hang in there.

 

[cookinggal]

I'm always careful when I do go out and my friend is always the designated driver that successfully gets us to and from these parties. I never see my kids when I'm drunk I don't like them to see me that way and I will always sleep it off if I've gone partying in any way. The self harm is just an escape to relieve the stress between parties, as i said before I don't drink much due to having attended AA meetings and having followed the 12 steps. I'm on the verge of getting married and moving out into our new home as soon as I can save some money to furnish the home.