Fear Of Getting Better?

[piratelady]

Recently I was very depressed, but it has passed. As it passed I had a lot of time to think about my life, the more thinking I did, the more I wanted to start actually "living" my life. I think that is a good sign. However, with that thought (feeling?) came fear.

As I look back on my life I see the same cycle repeating over and over. I repeatedly find myself in a relationships that are unhealthy. Something bad happens, somehow I manage to get away. Rinse and Repeat. I worry that the same thing will just happen again now that I want to start moving forward.

When I first started therapy, the first therapist I saw said that I had to talk about and deal with the first thing that happened. That it wasn't that I needed to deal with my abusive marriage, but with the first thing that happened - what started the cycle.

The problem with that, is I'm not sure where it started. I know that I am missing memories from my teen years. I know that when my brother lived at home he tormented me relentlessly, especially at night. I don't think that my child/teen years qualified as "abusive" or "traumatic," but I do wonder if that is part of what is the root of my problem. Why I keep repeating this cycle where I feel a bit better only to seek out an abusive person and get re-traumatized.

I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly. Maybe just opinions on what other's think about this? I just don't want to feel like I'm moving past the abuse of my failed marriage only to put myself into a similar situation. I need to stop repeating this over and over again. I don't want to continue feeling afraid of healing, if that makes sense?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maybe we're so off kilter that we can't see those "red flags" so to speak? I've wondered this myself.

I think we need to work on setting firm boundaries while taking things slow so we can test the waters. I always thought of myself as someone who wasn't attracted to abusive people. But, I recently had someone say something so incredibly mean/hurtful/abusive to me that I now question where I went wrong, what signs did I miss? I won't get into the scenario as its quite upsetting to me, but it was enough for me to end the friendship, which says a lot considering there have been quite a few nasty bouts between us (nothing physical though).

I think I really do need to work on being ok with myself, setting my standards and boundaries, stop keeping people in my life because separation/abandonment increases my anxiety, and be prepared to say goodbye when I'm confronted with something that is unacceptable rather than naively thinking things will change. It's a lot to work on, but I think I'm up for the challenge.

 

[Ayasha]

I just don't want to feel like I'm moving past the abuse of my failed marriage only to put myself into a similar situation.

I think the fact that you are able to question this is a good start, speaking from a personal opinion.

I know I am still stuck in a cycle of abuse (I guess that is what I can call it) and one of my biggest problems is that I seem convinced that I deserve to be controlled/hurt. Which is untrue, and I am working on it.

One thing I am doing to try and not get myself into these cycles again is make lists of what I think I deserve from the people I surround myself with.

For example:

The people I choose to allow around me should not say things that make me feel bad about myself/or make me dislike myself. This is a major problem I have because I have people in my life who say things that make me convinced I am stupid, lazy, incompetent, etc. The people I allow around me should never say such things, it's just wrong.

Right now that is my accomplishment, understanding that I don't deserve to be treated that way. I do not know if this will help, but I do hope it does.

 

[PTSDMama]

I'm not a sufferer, so I don't know from that perspective. But I do come from a somewhat abusive past, and have had that feeling of fear at getting better. I've also struggled with weight loss, and had a feeling of fear at getting to my goal weight.

Not that either of those is the same as what started it all for you, but I'm wondering if this makes sense. For these things I mentioned, and for yours, we kind of know who we are in those places. Like, for me, I was angry at my mom for years. It framed everything I did and every relationship I had. When I got rid of that anger and was able to forgive her, I would feel myself tensing up at meeting new people. The anger wasn't part of my story anymore. It didn't define me.

And for the weight loss thing - I'm about 50 pounds overweight. And when I start losing, people immediately pay attention to me. I've gotten some extra attention (read flirting) from others. And it makes me so uncomfortable - that extra attention. So I eat things that are wrong for me - not consciously going through that process, but that's what happens. Because it's uncomfortable to be different than what I'm used to.

So for you, if depression has been in your life for awhile, it is part of who you have been. And healing from that, while good, is also scary. Because it's asking you to give up a part of who you have been.

I don't know if that makes sense or is helpful, but when I read your post, I really identified with it because I get fearful too of those things. Blessings on your journey.

 

[Jlso111187]

I think its a comfort zone (so to say). I know what we know is what we are comfortable with and change is not something we take well too.

Look at relationships like a child with food, They know what they really like even if it is not a good for them and thats what they want. Most children will choose sweets over Veggies even though veggies is the healthier of the two. If you used to being treated like dirty (even though you know its wrong and its not good for your health) you will tend to be more attracted to those types of guys. Not always though. Its a very hard cycle to break.

 

[piratelady]

One thing I am doing to try and not get myself into these cycles again is make lists of what I think I deserve from the people I surround myself with.

That is something my therapist has had me do also. For me the problem is enforcing those boundaries. I feel like doing that would involve confrontation and that is a very scary thing for me. Just like SoL talks about boundaries and it makes complete sense. It is just so difficult to follow through on, for me.

So for you, if depression has been in your life for awhile, it is part of who you have been. And healing from that, while good, is also scary. Because it's asking you to give up a part of who you have been.

Your post, and especially this part resonated with me very much. Thank you for taking the time to write that out. I am curious if you have been able to move past that or deal with it in some way?

 

[therapybankrupt]

I know that I am missing memories from my teen years. I know that when my brother lived at home he tormented me relentlessly, especially at night.

Hi Piratelady. I am sure it is scary to think about doing the same behavior over again and again. I can now look back and see where it started with me. I saw the initial trauma through EMDR I can see where I did the same reaction to big and small trauma. I see doing it at any point I felt threatened. Because the fear was felt and then mind and body reacted the same way over and over.

If you were tormented by your brother at night. He may have set off your fight, flight or freeze response. I didn't realize but when you freeze in fear it can cause memory loss. The brain takes care of itself in many ways to protect us. This results in the same reaction over and over being it was reliable the first time. A way to protect or a habit?

If the reaction can be realized. I think it may even be able to be changed. This is just my opinion here. I have not gotten to that part yet but when I do I will write about it. I have used the realization of the initial reaction to check in with myself. I ask if it is real fear or threat? Is it someone overstepping boundaries? The outcomes are generally now different because I handle it differently. I changed something. I am hoping this does not have to be an endless cycle for any of us. Peace!

TB

 

[PTSDMama]

Yes, I feel like I have moved past the thing with my mom for the most part. I don't even bring up the abuse unless I feel like it will help someone else or whatever. And when I interact with her, I focus on how she is now and how our relationship is now.

As for the weight loss, I try and accept the compliments and move on. Try not to dwell on them - and also try to shine the light back on them - give them a compliment.

I'm sure the fear has cropped up at times, but I try not to let it. Something that has been helpful to me too is from the Bible - God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and a sound mind. Meditating on that can be extremely helpful to me in those times.

 

[PTSDMama]

Oh! And something someone told me awhile ago really helped me stay in the present. I've used it previously quite a bit, but as the healing happened, I haven't so much. When I would talk to my mom and start getting anxious or fearful, I would get an ice cube. I would just be very aware of it - how it feels initially, how it feels when it's melting and trickling down my hand, how it feels on my neck, head, etc. That kept me in the present and reminded me that I wasn't in that time back then.

Very simple, and maybe it's a technique, or something similar, you've used. But I think it could combat that fear of the unknown or fear of letting go of something that has been you for so long. I don't know...but I always like to share that if I think it will help, because it helped me when someone gave it to me as a tool.

 

[Jlso111187]

I have used a stress ball that way I could squeeze when I strated getting anxious. It helps a little.

 

[piratelady]

Thanks PTSDMama and Jlso, I haven't tried either of those before. I will have to try that. Thanks! :)

 

[Hashi]

piratelady, is it OK to ask if you've ever had a long period of time (at least a year, maybe longer) when you weren't in a relationship? If so, did you feel OK with that? If you don't want to answer those questions, please don't, just ignore me!