Fear Of Getting Better?

[JustBe]

And for the weight loss thing - I'm about 50 pounds overweight. And when I start losing, people immediately pay attention to me. I've gotten some extra attention (read flirting) from others. And it makes me so uncomfortable - that extra attention. So I eat things that are wrong for me - not consciously going through that process, but that's what happens. Because it's uncomfortable to be different than what I'm used to.

That is SO where I have been for over 20 years. Being "invisible" is my comfort zone.

 

[nursenurse]

Change shampoos, lol.

If only people wore one of those sandwich board thingies that described themselves. "Emotional abuser." "Physical Abuser." "I Hate Cats." It would make relationships so much easier.

I don't think anyone "seeks" out these kinds of relationships, I think we ignore our own Distant Early Warning Systems, PTSD or not. Then we continue on with them for whatever reasons, and the relationships that may have been more appropriate for us fly under the radar. Maybe it is due to our comfort zone, or, for me personally, it is due to just being plain dumb about relationships. An earlier poster said it is difficult to break that cycle. Amen to that. But it can be done.

When you find that missing memory from your past, I would think that seeing those red flags in the future will be easier, and stopping those heat seeking missiles before they stop you will get easier too. Enough with the duds. You deserve more, as we all do :) Good luck!

 

[Philippa]

No, I think it is something people broadcast, but often don't know they are doing it, so in that way we put out a signal for something we have grown to associate with 'love', this thing we simply need, but don't seem to know what it is or why it has to hurt so much, I also think that abusers put out a similar broadcasting without knowing it, and the two find each other.

I was never physically or sexually abused, so I never attracted those kinds of abusers, but emotionally abusive men I definitely have had my fair share of, as well as a lot of people who use emotional blackmail as a strategy for avoiding their own insecurities and confronting their shadow aspects.

I do agree that we ignore our internal alarm, and I think we are trained to lose our instincts and not trust ourselves, and trust in someone, or something external to us that is in charge, when it is always us. It's a process of being dis-empowered and then re-empowering ourselves.

Comfort zone is a part of it I think.

 

[nursenurse]

I don't know if it's vibes or what. I've had my share. Come to think of it, most of them were bald(ing), blue eyed...... Maybe I had my sandwich boards and never read them. Damned reading glasses!

Regaining power is a difficult journey. While I am not PTSD, I have had my own issues to deal with, as every human being does. Among them is seeing myself too as worthy of love and respect. I am great at telling others that they are worthy of these things. Only in the past few years, I have started living what I preach. Whether it's beaten out of you physically or emotionally, self love and self acceptance are hard to regain. It takes time, lots of it. And the patience to listen to my gut instinct, which proves to be right time and time again.

 

[JustBe]

I looked up emotional blackmailing on Wikipedia and this is what I found:

Forward and Frazier identify four blackmail types each with their own mental manipulation style: [9]

1. punishers - 'My way or the highway' is the punisher's motto. No matter what you feel or need, punishers override you.

2. self-punishers - "self-punishers cast their targets in the role of the 'grown-up' - the only adult in the relationship... supposed to come running when they cry"

3. sufferers - sufferers take the position that "if you don't do what I want, I will suffer, and it will be your fault" (see victim playing)

4. tantalizers - Tantalizers are the most subtle blackmailers, they offer nothing with a free heart.

 

[piratelady]

is it OK to ask if you've ever had a long period of time (at least a year, maybe longer) when you weren't in a relationship? If so, did you feel OK with that?

It is ok to ask :). Yes I have gone a year or longer without being in a relationship. Before I was first traumatized, I hadn't been in a relationship for a couple years. Then he hurt me and I moved. Actually, I started seeing him as a form of self-harm I think. I knew something about him wasn't right, but I was angry about being alive (it was just after a failed suicide attempt).

After I moved It was about a year and a half before I met the man I later married. I wasn't really looking when I met him. It was about a year between the time I left him and when I started dating a guy I was seeing around Christmas. That was a giant mistake. I was ok with the time I was alone. Honestly, relationships are incredibly scary for me. Lately, I've been torn between feeling safe alone and trying to face my fears and get back out there.

I also think that abusers put out a similar broadcasting without knowing it, and the two find each other.

Someone else said something like that to me once. It makes sense, but almost makes me feel powerless to change it. That is a defeating feeling.

Among them is seeing myself too as worthy of love and respect.

My therapist has been trying to get me to see that and to have some self-esteem. I feel like it takes some sort of therapy magic to accomplish that. And here, I've lost my wand....:)

 

[nursenurse]

Took me five years to find that stupid wand. I'll try to send it back.... I still have my moments. The one thing I can say about my Dude/sufferer, is that he accepts me the way I am. I guess because I have no illusions about him, I think :) and accept him as is. No deposit, no return.

I was amazed at how my self esteem had suffered after years of name calling etc while married. Oh sure, sticks and stones etc, but after 21 years of it, I only realized how much of it I had internalized after I had left. And it took this long of rebuilding my life to regain the joy I once knew.

Hang in there, PL, the magic wand is very old, and will take some time to work. And it will. You are worthy of the best life has to offer. Salud!