Enabler Unwilling To Let Go Of Me

[jmni]

He just doesn't think it's the right thing to do. Could you suggest any arguments that can't be brushed off with a "Deal with your own emotions, freak, you're an adult."

When I stopped talking to my mother she felt rejected. I told her that I wouldn't and she said she didn't believe that I could do it. At first she called everyday and I had to ignore her. But after a few days she stopped and she hasn't called since.

If your husband is acting like the operator maybe he could send her a message and answer questions like "How long will it take until I have a normal daughter again?" with something to the effect of "I don't know but you can't rush her. She needs space and time. Over all you could work towards a goal of communicating with her less and less over the year. Usually if you don't respond to messages right away people take the hint.

Really now that you've decided that you want nothing to do with her, you shouldn't try to interpret anything she said anyway.

 

[freakofnurture]

@Luci: I didn't feel worse after reading your words and you said nothing wrong. It's just what my p*rents do and how they see the situation that I find wrong.

@Nicolette: I guess you're spot on. Thinking back about how I worded my 'cutting contact' email, I think I didn't make it clear that this was going to be an indefinite thing. I wasn't at the point, back then, where I felt strong enough to make such a clear statement. I should inform my p*rents about how I really feel, or rather that they'll never ever see me again.

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I know what you mean there. I hate the way they turn it into some kind of petty drama that I'm creating, and patronize me with "when you're ready to come home, we'll accept you with open arms" as though they are taking the higher ground and are more mature...like I'm just throwing some tantrum like a child, which is how they see me...when THEY are the children here.

We OWN our stuff and we DO something about it, that is what adults do, take responsability. We at least make the effort to get well and address our issues, and they sit back and do nothing and then tell us that we are the sick, abnormal ones. It's SICKENING!

 

[Philippa]

@Nicolette: I guess you're spot on. Thinking back about how I worded my 'cutting contact' email, I think I didn't make it clear that this was going to be an indefinite thing. I wasn't at the point, back then, where I felt strong enough to make such a clear statement. I should inform my p*rents about how I really feel, or rather that they'll never ever see me again.

My brother just knew that he never would see me again. I didn't need to tell him. I wonder if it's something they can pick up or sense, and maybe you need to really mean it in yourself for that to happen. I know when I cut contact I was definite about it.

I still like to give myself the option of reinitiating contact at some point in the future, as well as the option to never do that again. I take it day by day. From the messages he tried to leave me, my 'ex-provider' sounded like he knew I meant it, and expressed sadness at it being so final. He could feel I was dead, and I was.

Yesterday was her birthday, and I didn't call. I'm awake now at 3am racked with shame and feeling like scum for not, even though she treated me like I don't exist after our last interaction that didn't go her way. It's hard to maintain no contact for the first year or two. I don't know how much longer it will remain this hard for. My friend said that it gets easier as time passes.

 

[freakofnurture]

I spent about an hour today trying to write an email to my m*ther. It was strange, the emotions I went through.

At first I wanted to tell her again what she did wrong and why I was making my cut final, but it felt like dipping her face into her own shit, like she was a dog who wouldn't understand anyways.

Then there was this moment when I thought "I don't want to make this final. I want to talk to her, right now." But then I thought about how that conversation would go and the feeling faded. I really have nothing to tell her, and if she were to try and get emotional or even bond with me, I'd start to scream every last cursword I know at her and then destroy the phone, with extreme prejudice.

Then I thought "Why even bother? It won't change anything." - that's what my husband said about this idea, too. It won't change anything for my m*ther and it won't change anything for me. He also said that making the cut final would be an inflexible thing, and that inflexibility would keep me from moving on. I retorted that in order to move on you have to end the bad chapters of your life, end the bad relationships, draw a line under the shit that you know is doing you no good. He just made the face that he always makes when I'm right but he doesn't want me to be.

I had another moment where I felt like I actually wanted my m*ther to cling to me, because I'm just so used to her doing that and I wouldn't know what to replace it with. But as Steve Novella so eloquently said "It's like asking: If you cure cancer, what do you replace it with?" Also, I really just want my p*rents both to forget that they ever had me.

Right now I still feel like I'm trying to break a habit. When I first cut contact, I felt so happy and relieved (and I enjoy every official 'p*rents call you'-occasion very much for the fact that my p*rents don't; it's a perpetual gift from myself to myself :D). I guess that last bit of attachment that I didn't even realise I had, served some function that I'm not conscious of. But I'll find out what it is and use something more healthy to meet that need.

I'm suspecting, maybe even though I felt harrassed and intruded upon, it gave me a certain power also. The power to keep my m*ther at arm's length, watching her squirm. It's painful to not be able to move on. Maybe I wanted to inflict that pain on her. But if that were it, wouldn't I have indulged in telling her once more how she hurt me? I guess though that would have been easier to interpret as me being an asshole, and keeping a moral high ground is kinda important to me.

I'll still have to deal with repercussions for making things final, though, I guess. My m*ther won't keep it secret and the people who humoured me because they thought I'm just going through some phase will not like it that I don't plan on ever playing 'happy f*mily' with them ever again.

I'm awake now at 3am racked with shame and feeling like scum for not, even though she treated me like I don't exist after our last interaction that didn't go her way.

I'm pretty sure that you thinking of her doesn't really mean anything to her, emotionally. All she wants is for you to play your role so that she can shine in hers.



Oh, right, what did I write to my m*ther? Only this:

"Subject: Contact cutoff - addendum

I'm never coming back. Stop waiting for me.
Any replies to this message will not be read but deleted."

 

[Philippa]

I'm pretty sure that you thinking of her doesn't really mean anything to her, emotionally. All she wants is for you to play your role so that she can shine in hers.

I'm pretty sure you're right about that, it doesn't stop the emotions from coming though. I'm basically over it now. It just stings a bit now, and I can feel the hatred from my brother for me. I feel judged harshly for it.

I'm never coming back. Stop waiting for me.
Any replies to this message will not be read but deleted."

This is short and direct. I wrote the last line almost exactly the same to my provider, I did not add the first line. I think this is the more effective route for you too. They haven't bothered me since really...well, my mother did for a while until I told her there is no relationship. She has not contacted me since, and I don't expect she will either. We both cannot be bothered with each other.