Thankyou, this is the OP, I tried to make a timeline in my head because of the question. Thank you for saying resistant is not hopeless. I felt really badly in retrospect for whining here, and posting anonymously. Like the others in threads have said it's probably easy to know who posts. I think I posted anonymously because it was self pity/ whining. I was raised that that was never acceptable. Actually I was raised to never talk about such things, "kick your own as*, sympathy is between sh*t and syphlis in the dictionary, feelings-who's got time for feelings".
I will try to keep this brief aspossible. This (my) path to addressing this has been full of denial and misguided attempts to cope but maintain the denial. The symptomolgy started in 1983, after 2 months of hospitalization and tests, CAT scans and about 2 or 3 meetings ('talk' sessions) with a Dr and a specialists, PTSD was their conclusion. I didn't know what that meant, and being 14 or 15 no one really told me what that meant. I only know I was sent to a 3rd specialist who after we had about 2 'sessions' talking we decided together to 'leave things as they were'. I was greatly thankful as I was terribly afraid what I had done to cope when the flashbacks and the rest had started (drinking, partying, lying, hanging out with men 15 years older, some drugs from the same men, gambling, avoiding school, self harm, and 2 suicide attempts, several near rapes nd close calls) would be found out, no one knew that I am aware. (Though I continued wih it til 18-ish). I also was sure I must be crazy. In my country we have public health care though medications unless insured (I am not) are at cost and therapy (though telling anyone or revealing it would have never crossed my mind- horrific thought) is extremely expensive. My siblings said at the time to get over it. I spent many years feeling ashamed of being 'found out'. One relative said "What's a matter with you, you were doing so good and now you've fallen apart?", the only time I tried to bring it up, and I cried (normally I don't ever).
I bottomed out and started at 18 to do every self-help book and program I could get. Mostly for depresson, though it never really fit. Also for anxiety. I stopped drinking first. I followed two 12-step programs, did the inventories and ammends (but not Step 5, to tell someone), did oodles of CBT. Followed a program (privately) to address 'Trauma Re-enactment Syndrome' and stopped self-harming by my early-ish 20s. Did journalling, tried meditation, prayed my brains out. Also threw myself into work at 14 but especially by 16 on, also volunteer work and school. Would have gone for anti-depressants in my 20's but was afraid of being black-balled in future career which destroyed, anyway). Did this about 8-10 years. Threw myself into overwork and relationships (I realize that's not a treatment plan). Anbandoned he relationships. Adopted Radical Acceptance (not sure if that's DBT?) at some point. Was very effective at masks.
In 2006 got myself re-assesed bt didn't belive it, really. After finding a book on the street (outside, literally- did the recommendations in it, it taught emotion identification, emotional regulation and grounding, it was called "How I Stayed Alive while my Brain Was Trying To Kill Me) as I got suicidal after a date-gone-wrong. I came out assessed with PTSD but didn't think it applied, because I didn't think I had any traumas. My father also growing up acted like he had PTSD, likely may have now I realize, but thought maybe I was just like my dad. But then I had found the forum and also started to apply everything I could from here.
I uncharacterstically (though anonymously) reached out to someone in a counselling profession in 2006 to deal with abuse. Thanks to his help I got through some really rough times. I joined a different 12 step group, and started my own version of Exposure Therapy (unrelated) to triggers I avoided for 25 years. I confessed some stuff to someone else I had hidden for 25 years. I did every recommendation and thing I could do for grief resolution. I couldn't believe how well I started to feel. It (I) only fell apart after the date gone bad. It brought up a lot of crap I didn't acknowledge. Eventually I followed someone's advice here on the forum to "tell a human person about the PTSD", I told my friend in the counselling profession about the suicidal ideation around 2010 (it was horrific since 2008), and I think it was last summer about the PTSD.
I am leary of EMDR as visual issues in one eye (since birth) result in my brain 'correcting' a distorted image in one eye to a perfectly correct one (to myself) after my brain gets through with it. I lack the vision in the eye on it's own, whether it's cosmetically straight or not. Upshot is forced eye-movements result in severe migraines (which I get anyway) virtually immediately. I am also horrified and frightened (terrified) to tell a stranger anything, although even sliding-scale therapy is out of range financially. I have no Dr, so would have to start with a Walk In Clinic (not great reputations). I hope not to have to medicate. I try not to self-medicate.
Actually, I guess I have to say, I stopped drinking myself to death and passive suicide attempts, stopped the self harm, made ammends best I could and I don't think I've ever hurt anyone intentionally. I don't feel angry at all rarely rage. I managed to acknowledge some things as abusive. And like everyone, life has it's 'stuff', and there has been much 'stuff' the last 20 years. But I managed to keep working and above ground.
I guess that would be progress, maybe? Thank you for listening.
