Feeling Lost and Hopeless: What Can I Do?

[Teasel]

and one relationship after in particular has pretty much drilled in to my bones that I am unlovable as a human being. Maybe sounds stupid but isn't to me. I feel like I can no more change that than my eye or skin color.)

Heya, really sorry this happened to you. Doesn't sound stupid, negative core beliefs aren't rational and are so damn stubbornly hard to shift.

I did find a surprising thing though, a bit like Alan Carr's easy way to stop smoking - which turns your opinions on smoking upside down - that having a different point of view can help - kinda like opening the curtain on the Wizard of Oz. Not so much the terrifying all powerful wizard, more a mean little man in a cupboard.

But yeah, shifting negative core beliefs is prolly a lifetime's work.

I think that experience (childhood on) left me, or contributed to a profound sense of unsafety. It's funny because someone said to me yesterday stick with who you like and I get it but it's not about that per se, it's understanding and safety. Safety trumps all of it. I feel like a kid with a hand death grip,

It makes sense doesn't it. I relate too. I can feel safer on my own than in company. Learning about my neuro divergence in the past couple years has been so helpful in understanding my fear of people. But the childhood trauma was an enormous part of that feeling of of unsafety.

You talking about the kid with the death grip - is that like holding on for dear life kind of thing? Inflexibility because of the tension? I do relate.

Loved most to dance but body too sore atm

Ain't dancing the best thing.

Can you chair dance? Even just a few moments a day?

I've set up a radio in my kitchen - don't go out fancing anymore and I miss it. Been putting on the radio when I'm doing the dishes etc. Have a wee kitchen disco while I'm at it.

A bit of joy is good huh.

But anyway, long story short it might be more effective if I try to be as gentle with myself as others.

Yes

And to me, to actually be gentle I should be pretty much under all experiences

You can pick and choose no?

Because I am trying to be more aware of my negative fearful thoughts and challenge them. Despair would qualify. And I really like or thrive with laughter and softness and gentleness too.

Yes, I was thinking the other day. Laughter and playfulness are missing in my life. Not saying I don't laugh but, there is a hell of a lot that could do with being thawed by some humour.

I love softness and gentleness I like that we are both soft and gentle despite everything. Tempered with a bit of self care even better.

I guess to it's ok/ safe sometimes to be happy, feel safe?

Yes

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh thank you @Teasel, you are so sweet! So much there to unpack it made me think.

And ths made me laugh!:

kinda like opening the curtain on the Wizard of Oz. Not so much the terrifying all powerful wizard, more a mean little man in a cupboard.

Yes, my fears assume a proportion of their own.

Similar to the feeling of expecting to look up and see a monster or anger and there isn't.

I can feel safer on my own than in company. Learning about my neuro divergence in the past couple years has been so helpful in understanding my fear of people. But the childhood trauma was an enormous part of that feeling of of unsafety.

I'm sorry you have gone through that too. Yes I wouldn't say fear of people so much as so much time having to guard what should I say? Should I keep quiet? Am I stepping on a landmine? Can I help others avoid stepping on it? Sort of the feeling of walking through an area with spots of gas and feeling unsure what I say or do will light a flame. Or even just cause a burden when there are too many already. Just carries over from both childhood and home.

You talking about the kid with the death grip - is that like holding on for dear life kind of thing? Inflexibility because of the tension? I do relate.

Yes a metaphor of course but I think terror would be the word. Protection or defense the antidote.

Yes, I was thinking the other day. Laughter and playfulness are missing in my life. Not saying I don't laugh but, there is a hell of a lot that could do with being thawed by some humour.

^^ Yes me too. I think the Stress Cup is too full. I can laugh at myself or think of funny things, but relax in very few people's company. My work site is dull and nasty too. Not the people, but the others.

I think I missed the quote with Alan Carr, yes excellent book. But 2 things stood out (only) that didn't make sense: that a drug couldn't rev you up and calm you down- and I can't remember the other one lol. Now I know it can if it's a much-needed stimulant, simply because it also enables better focus (and the executive functions that implies). My whole family seemed to fit the bill. I will say however we were rarely bored, very active, lots of laughing, and lots of living outside the box. Lots of fun in those ways. The only 'black sheep' in a sense I now realize was very likely inattentive.

Then again I think if that is the case our baseline is already more aroused. I remember a guy saying people bend down with kids. A kid with ADD is likely to poke or slap them if they do that! Or when they make eye contact they realize you're not going to eat them lol. I can recall that feeling, and going round about with questions, never directly mostly.

I love softness and gentleness I like that we are both soft and gentle despite everything. Tempered with a bit of self care even better.

Thank you @Teasel I think so. I always hated my name, and it was always mispronounced. Until I learned the correct pronunciation means soft and gentle. (And our names are supposedly important). And yes you definitely are.

 

[Sideways]

I kind of feel silly to write this on here, but I can't remember where the thread is I'd rather add to

This is sometimes where Trauma Diaries are helpful. Thoughts may or may not flow directly from previous entries, but when the posts are all in one place, you can scroll back and find the connections in retrospect.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Sideways yes. And it contains it too. I always feel incredibly embarrassed when I write when disregulated or depressed. Apparently even AI can remember the last 4 posts, which is about 1 more than I can! lol

 

[Teasel]

Yes I wouldn't say fear of people so much as so much time having to guard what should I say? Should I keep quiet? Am I stepping on a landmine? Can I help others avoid stepping on it? Sort of the feeling of walking through an area with spots of gas and feeling unsure what I say or do will light a flame. Or even just cause a burden when there are too many already. Just carries over from both childhood and home.

It's exhausting hey. I'm really sorry home is like this still.

Yes a metaphor of course but I think terror would be the word. Protection or defense the antidote.

I talk about social terror as opposed to social anxiety...
I hope you don't feel terror all of the time?

But 2 things stood out (only) that didn't make sense: that a drug couldn't rev you up and calm you down

You're right actually, because it does

My whole family seemed to fit the bill.

I'm sorry, fit which bill?

I will say however we were rarely bored, very active, lots of laughing, and lots of living outside the box. Lots of fun in those ways. The only 'black sheep' in a sense I now realize was very likely inattentive.

Glad there was lots of fun
Sorry I don't understand the inattentive part.

I can recall that feeling, and going round about with questions, never directly mostly.

I think I relate.

That's nice to hear about your nane. Do you like it better now?
And how are you doing?

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Teasel . I'm not often (rarely?) clear.

Yes well I'm too busy to think, and that's probably always a good thing for me. Especially if black-and-white. i find my mind is inclined to trust or mistrust, try or give up, all-in or all-out, etc. Maybe it's just so I don't have to think about it again?

Yes I guess the whole household was hyperactive. My aunt was diagnosed but her motor was faster than mine so it never crossed my mind, thought that was the only way it presented. Explains a lot though.

No the terror is not always, probably more an overactive amygdala, or something sets it off. Since it helps social anxiety to hone social skills, I guess that part doesn't cross my mind. But I feel for you. I don't like it usually, 'only dancing do I forget, but I've worked for 40 years, so it's a given to employ them. One job was very visible and required media involvement; one had an offshoot of many large conventions; and now it's the opposite- behind the scenes but providing usually intimate care, and end of life care. And I used to take every extra hour I could so was always walking in to strangers. One thing I've always done though is try to keep my issues out of it. For one thing the people have enough to deal with. Kind of weird though as it's like being a part of 1000 families and a member of none, lol. I live mostly in my head and it's more like a parallel Universe to what others likely think I think. But I guess I'm just too tired to care. i only ever wanted to be 'passable' and feel awkward with pretense.. I really like when I see someone doing whatever they're doing without awareness/ concern of the presentation. I think that's really cool. Like someone I know who herded cattle with super-long nails, or a woman singing who redirected her kid and then belted out the chorus without missing a beat. One part art, one science!

You are so kind @Teasel. Yes well, the name is always mispronounced but now I will correct it with a happy explanation of the meaning (sometimes) and it gives a story as to, "What is the meaning of your name? I will find out.. " i used to save the mispronounced one for work and the short form for friends/ family so I'd have a negative connotation for only one, and sort of a mental distance. Oddly, about 3 or 4 in my life got it right from the get go, and English was not their 1st language. Same with a diminutive only the very closest to me use/ used, about 5-7 people (in my lifetime) they chose to nickname me it on their own and the majority were also mostly not English as a 1st language. But they were all the sweetest people! That is my favorite because I have only good connotations to the people. Sweet like you!

Happy night to you @Teasel . Your caring and reaching out/ checking in is very kind. Means a great deal to me.

 

[Cancelled]

Thank you @Teasel . I'm not often (rarely?) clear.

Yes well I'm too busy to think, and that's probably always a good thing for me. Especially if black-and-white. i find my mind is inclined to trust or mistrust, try or give up, all-in or all-out, etc. Maybe it's just so I don't have to think about it again?

Yes I guess the whole household was hyperactive. My aunt was diagnosed but her motor was faster than mine so it never crossed my mind, thought that was the only way it presented. Explains a lot though.

No the terror is not always, probably more an overactive amygdala, or something sets it off. Since it helps social anxiety to hone social skills, I guess that part doesn't cross my mind. But I feel for you. I don't like it usually, 'only dancing do I forget, but I've worked for 40 years, so it's a given to employ them. One job was very visible and required media involvement; one had an offshoot of many large conventions; and now it's the opposite- behind the scenes but providing usually intimate care, and end of life care. And I used to take every extra hour I could so was always walking in to strangers. One thing I've always done though is try to keep my issues out of it. For one thing the people have enough to deal with. Kind of weird though as it's like being a part of 1000 families and a member of none, lol. I live mostly in my head and it's more like a parallel Universe to what others likely think I think. But I guess I'm just too tired to care. i only ever wanted to be 'passable' and feel awkward with pretense.. I really like when I see someone doing whatever they're doing without awareness/ concern of the presentation. I think that's really cool. Like someone I know who herded cattle with super-long nails, or a woman singing who redirected her kid and then belted out the chorus without missing a beat. One part art, one science!

You are so kind @Teasel. Yes well, the name is always mispronounced but now I will correct it with a happy explanation of the meaning (sometimes) and it gives a story as to, "What is the meaning of your name? I will find out.. " i used to save the mispronounced one for work and the short form for friends/ family so I'd have a negative connotation for only one, and sort of a mental distance. Oddly, about 3 or 4 in my life got it right from the get go, and English was not their 1st language. Same with a diminutive only the very closest to me use/ used, about 5-7 people (in my lifetime) they chose to nickname me it on their own and the majority were also mostly not English as a 1st language. But they were all the sweetest people! That is my favorite because I have only good connotations to the people. Sweet like you!

Happy night to you @Teasel . Your caring and reaching out/ checking in is very kind. Means a great deal to me.

Hello. My heart hurts when I hear those familiar emotions. One thing I noticed is you have a faith. There are many of the Psalms that are called lament Psalms. David and others are feeling and wondering where God is. However, at the end of his complaints and tears he starts to remember who God is. There are a few that don’t end that way and maybe he is just cried out. Each Psalm fits into something happening in his life. His son dethroning him and trying to kill him. A mentor who turned against him. And these Psalms have been something I could read and identify with but in the end I was given a hope. The Psalms, some of them ,that are comforting are 3,13,22,42,44 , and 60. You can get others on line. It has helped me so often. The identifying with the human condition and especially us with cptsd and ptsd. The Gospel Coalition is in Canada and they have been a resource for me. This ,again is not to put anything on you or a guilt trip. It is where I find comfort. I know that there may not be agreement with this post but with our DBT,CBT,counseling etc this may speak to your heart.

Just something to make you laugh. But truly not funny. I left the nail salon yesterday and realized my life could be worse. There were two homeless guys laying across the walkway smoking and drinking. I had to step over and between them. I did not give it a thought and said in a very kind voice,” Excuse me guys..can I get around you?” No judgement here. I was totally comfortable. The last thing I heard them say was. “ Nice Lady!” After this journey nothing phases me!

 

[Freddyt]

Well I wrongly assumed American then, sorry

No, Canada is in fact the biggest part of the Americas......

One of the most difficult things is to remember to stop and figure out when your PTSD is lying to you. It wants you to believe you are alone, it wants to be ready to run and survive at a moments notice, it turns even positive to negative.

But taking time to stop that - to think critically, to understand that its lying is what you need to do.

Thats what I use the social part of the forum here for - connect - have fun - tell a silly joke - share - make forum friends. And remember they sre no less friends than people who come to your door. Being connected that way - lets you tell your brain its wrong when it tries to tell you otherwise.....

The biggest biggest biggest part of all this is stopping rumination - its a full time job. Learn to figure out when you are sitting thinking about something and the whirlpool of rumination starts. Find things that stop it. Learn to tell your mind to shut it off. Find activities that take up your thoughts. Have a look on here there are lots of threads about it. I find it's the number one cause of my negative thoughts about myself. Learning to automatically shut it down is difficult but it makes life a lot easier. Stopping those thoughts before they roll around and around your head gathering fear and worst case scenario thoughts is very helpful.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you both @Hulda and @Freddyt ! I just can't write right now but will soon as I am able. And I will apply it in the meantime!

Thank you ❤

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Hulda just wanted to say, you are so right, and I do think the psalms are, or would be, helpful, God to make sense of anything in general, definitely for perseverance, forgiveness, love and the like (for me). Funny you say it as there is a Vet's PTSD website that has David at the forefront- his feast day is my birthday of all things. Got a good giggle re the guys ☺!

@freddy that is very spot on. Unfortunately my mind has fine tuned even the thoughts when I should be distracted. Hard to separate what are the lies. Critical though.

I think however today, life is like a movie: if you were just watching it it might be exciting, uplifting, even maybe have a happy ending. Twists and turns, not boring for sure.

I think I understand today, all different things happen and doesn't make them good but they do. And the very bad or traumatic things, it's ok they stick with us, of course they will. And other things will remind us. And if we don't acknowledge the pain it blows up afterward. I hope this makes sense it's hard to type on the phone!

Don't really have the words but It's OK
We can be ok. Not by denying it but living, fully.

And also I think the gratitude, even for a smile or anything that really is a gift. Not by white knuckling or an appearance, but real engagement with life. Quality time, one might say. Quality thoughts, quality perspective, even when it's rough. Like you said @Freddyt , separate what is harmful/ harming out. I guess that's as close as I can describe for what I feel.
Thank you!

 

[Cancelled]

No, Canada is in fact the biggest part of the Americas......

One of the most difficult things is to remember to stop and figure out when your PTSD is lying to you. It wants you to believe you are alone, it wants to be ready to run and survive at a moments notice, it turns even positive to negative.

But taking time to stop that - to think critically, to understand that its lying is what you need to do.

Thats what I use the social part of the forum here for - connect - have fun - tell a silly joke - share - make forum friends. And remember they sre no less friends than people who come to your door. Being connected that way - lets you tell your brain its wrong when it tries to tell you otherwise.....

The biggest biggest biggest part of all this is stopping rumination - its a full time job. Learn to figure out when you are sitting thinking about something and the whirlpool of rumination starts. Find things that stop it. Learn to tell your mind to shut it off. Find activities that take up your thoughts. Have a look on here there are lots of threads about it. I find it's the number one cause of my negative thoughts about myself. Learning to automatically shut it down is difficult but it makes life a lot easier. Stopping those thoughts before they roll around and around your head gathering fear and worst case scenario thoughts is very helpful.

Love the biggest, biggest, biggest part is rumination……..!!!

 

[Freddyt]

Love the biggest, biggest, biggest part is rumination……..!!!

So much of what we perceive comes from that. Mostly because you mind cant tell the difference between whats real and whats imagined.......
.....and left to contemplate things, my PTSD brain heads for worst case scenario.