Life Panic, Can't Forgive Myself For Messing Up

[Hashi]

I don't mean a panic attack, but in the more general sense, I'm panicking about my future. Near future and long-term.

I know it's because of PTSD and related mental health issues, but I've messed up a lot of my life. I've been living in a fog until recently, life never seemed very real, and I didn't feel like I existed in it. So I didn't plan for the future or for my career, or took care of health problems properly, I just randomly went from one thing to another, sleepwalking through it all.

Now I'm waking up, and I'm frightened. I'm out of work and feel almost unemployable. My savings and pension savings are minimal. I've always struggled so much to function that I've stayed in lower level, lower paid jobs. I should have been getting some professional qualifications while working and now I don't know how I'm going to get a job that pays enough, without them. I'm starting to take better care of myself but I don't know how much I can do now about the damage that stress and poor lifestyle has already done to me physically.

I need to get my life on track but I'm worried its too late. I know people who are planning to take early retirement in their 50s and I think I'm going to have to work until I'm 80. I'm worried that the things I need to do to make things better are exactly the things that I haven't developed good skills in - making big decisions, facing difficulties, self-promotion.

My therapist was encouraging me to have compassion for myself, saying that I did the best I could. My response was that however much compassion I have, it doesn't change how things are. I don't have compassion for myself, though. I can't believe I've messed up so much, and I feel so stupid.

I know I need to recognise that I didn't mess up everything, and there are still things I can do, and at least I'm starting to take some action now. But I'm worried that feeling unable to forgive myself, and feeling so anxious and upset, and feeling unable to trust in myself or my abilities, means I'm going to fail to make the situation any better.

Does anyone relate? Any thoughts or advice?

 

[Barberian]

My personal perspective.

Success isn't what is portrayed in TV and the movies. If it was, why are so many rich people so unhappy? I've seen many, very, very, poor people who are very happy with their lives, family, home, friends.

As they say, it's not having all you want, but wanting all you have. The desire to keep up with the Jones's will drive you crazy. As soon as you catch up with one "Jones", there will be another who is doing better than that, and you will go off and try to do better than the next one. All the while ignoring what you have achieved, ignoring family, home and friends.

Someday when you do reach your "deathbed" and look back on your life, what will make you proud? What will be your greatest achievements? Your professional achievements or your personal achievements?

I live day to day and try to enjoy what I have, not strive to have the latest version of the fancy new (fill in the blank of new object everybody is trying to get).

Envy only leads to failure and unhappiness.

 

[Pencil]

Not being able to fulfill one's potential is frustrating / depressing / devastating. I relate. When I look back on my life I am quite shocked to see how little I've accomplished. When I look at my future I experience the same panic - as I know that it will probably be a repeat performance of my past. The reason I did not accomplish anything had nothing to do with lack of trying, or lack of ambition, or lack of talent, or .... It had to do with battling inner things. I could not pay proper attention to the external world. AND the attention I paid the external world was impacted so badly by what was going on inside me.

 

[Pencil]

Max, I have no idea what you're trying to say :)

 

[Red Feather]

I relate to your post so much Hashi. I feel the same, and it is hard to forgive myself. I compare myself and am jealous all the time. I like what Barberian says. I know I need to focus on the good things, and what I have aleady acommplished. I wish I could rewire my brain so that it could work the way I need it to. Pencil, I also focus on the interior world so much, that when the exterior world is not working the way I would like to, I just dissociate even more. It is a viscious cycle. The good thing is I have a lot of support.

 

[Pencil]

The good thing is I have a lot of support.

You are very lucky Nadia, I literally have zero support. The wheels really came off when I moved to another city - and I've never been in a space where I could build any structures. When you really battle financially your options are very few.

 

[madmax]

Suggestion: Study derivatives should not take you more than a month or two to comprehend.Then go to optionsxpress.com open up a virtual account and practice trading.

I found this to be very therapeutic as well as empowering.

With your IQ numbers I bet you could be trading successfully with 6 months.

 

[Rumors]

Hashi,
Not to discount max however, professionals who went to school for years and interned under great investors haven't perfected that so please don't invest your life savings on something that is driven by an unknown factor. There are lots of people out there who can help you plan for your retirement. Most banks have investment planner or you can pay a consultant to meet with you and set up a portfolio of what you should do.

Being happy is important like Barberian suggests. However, feeling secure in you well being is also a good feeling. I don't think you have to trade one for another. I believe you can have both or it isn't an all or nothing so to speak. You make a plan and stick to it best you can. Once you initiate your plan, you may feel like you are taking steps to move forward thus lessening your anxiety!

Good luck! Sending good vibes and strength!

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

Does anyone relate?

Wow, Hashi, can I so relate. A friend is retiring this year, my boyfriend is retired, and I'm still limping from having to file bankrupsy after a divorce, my credit rating is null and void.

I accept responsibility for some, most of my poor management skills in finances and health, but some were learned: emotional spending, etc.

It's hit me hard lately. I look back at some decisions I made and wish things were different, but, then, I look at what "variables" were in play when I did make those decisions and, then, I realize -- even if I had been thinking clearly at the time -- my options were limited.

One thing I know, your posts in various threads that I've read are evidence to me what an incredibly smart person you are. Smart with kindness: that is successful. (Some folks are smart, but their kindness falls short.) We're all having to work "within the system" and it's a system that fails to reward monetarily the wise kindness of people. The wealth that is hidden and can't pay the bills...

I'm with you in never being able to retire... I hope you find a warm patch of sun today -- it won't pay the bills either but it might bolster your resolve. (Sun and hugs)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think I understand what you're saying.

It's not so much about being rich or keeping up with the joneses. It's about reality. The reality is that while I have furthered my education, I haven't been able to work and gain experience. I've been out of work for 5 years, and I know I'm going to have a difficult time finding a job when I can start working again in the future. I have no savings and although (i think) I'm younger than you, I also fear not being able to retire until I'm 80. Or dead. The reality is that I lack skills that others have and this may quite possibly hold me back.

All of this stuff is in the back of my mind. I used to beat myself up for it all the time. Then, I found that what helps, the only thing that helps, is radical acceptance. I accept this is where I am in life. I have been doing my best. I am not able to work yet, but am moving in that direction by taking classes. All I can do is continue to push forward because dwelling on this stuff is a one way ticket to panicville.

I know it's not just that easy. I know you're in a different place than I am. But I hope that you can get to a place where it doesn't cause you so much panic.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

radical acceptance

I love that phrase, "radical acceptance." An acceptance that has agency/self-awareness. I think that's going into my meditative mantra.

 

[p-no]

Hashi,

I can relate to some: the panic/fear, having taken on only low-level/paid jobs, I'd say "running behind" on things...

You are right, things are as they are, but there are things that I dare say you probably see only one or few perspectives of even though there are many more. Imagine a coin on a table, what you see is one side of it and maybe part of the rim (vocab?).

My therapist was encouraging me to have compassion for myself, saying that I did the best I could. My response was that however much compassion I have, it doesn't change how things are.

You are both right. What having compassion, and lots of it, (and lasting forever, so to speak, this is not a one time thing) can change though is give you more perspective, more of the famous grey between the black and white. Because the compassion can make all that panic and fear go away. Yes, I'm serious. By "go away" I do not mean that they will not return. But then, applying more compassion is what has helped me; as if you were applying compassion for your self like you would apply medical cream to a wound to heal better (I have one of those); compassion can do the very same thing for you.

Things are what they are, you do have a certain age, you have lived in that fog, you have degree X but not Y, there aren't many jobs available, etc. and whatever they are for you. Compassion cannot change those facts, but it can change your perception of yourself and your choices and reality. Figuratively speaking, it can lift up that coin from the table and have it turn in front of you so you can get a look at the other side of it, at the spots you haven't seen yet. Seriously. It's been like that for me.

By being compassionate for yourself you'll love yourself and respect yourself more, that includes e.g. your talents, your passion, your wishes. And once you have more access to all that, you may suddenly notice adds in the paper for jobs you would have not noticed previously because you would have never even considered them an opportunity for you.

I have thought this a lot lately (and I remember a time when this scared sh*t out of me 24/7) and am convinced that learning to feel again is a vital part of healing. Feeling compassion for yourself can open up whole new worlds, figuratively speaking. Feeling is part of the way out or rather of acceptance and a good life within one's own limitations, whereas, I think, it threatens us on many levels. I think your therapist has suggested something very good.