Life Panic, Can't Forgive Myself For Messing Up

[madmax]

Poems and fellow sufferers are not going to solve your problem or should I say "our" problems.

Action plans are a start...assessesment inventory taking feasibility and viability of your potential plan is needed.

Max

 

[I Can Do This]

Hashi - I completely relate! I'm sad to say.

I have been unemployed for 5 years - this economy has been hell. I too always stayed in mid level jobs because I knew I was a little too unstable to go for more. I never went to college after high school because of it - and I never had children because of it. Then I lost my job due to a merger and became completely unhinged. Like you, I had so many regrets and couldn't forgive myself for taking the "wrong" job when I had two offers to choose from. Then I found that I was no longer "qualified" to hold the HR Manager position that I had held in my previous jobs because this economy was now flooded with very highly qualified candidates.

So I went to college - now I have my Master's Degree. I went into therapy because I was too emotionally unstable to work even though I desperately wanted to work again. It is all so unbelievable that I could feel too fragile to work - but I really did. Now I finally feel strong and emotionally solid but the economy hasn't recovered like I have. I have all these credentials now - still no job. It is a nightmare.

So I understand how you feel about fearing your future. I do too. And that fear can make your PTSD so much worse as it did for me. Your counselor is correct - you do have to have compassion for yourself. We both did the best we could with what we were dealing, with what we knew, and with the economy we lived in at the time. I have been able to get to that place of forgiveness within myself - and I think another important element that helps is trust. You have to trust that God provides for our needs, God makes a way where you can't find one. You can't do everything under your own power - you will have to rely on help from God. When you feel that panic - that is when you are thinking that the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Learn to give that to God. I hold tight to the scriptures "Be still and know that I am God" and "He works all things for good for those that love Him".

When I can't see the way and have no idea how it can work out - I finally have to rest in those words. He created the universe - He will find a way to provide for us.

I really hope this helps. If not, just please know I'm in that little boat floating down the s**t stream with you. If you go down, I go down with you.

 

[madmax]

I'd give my "left nut" to be able to hold down any job.

Try interning somewhere...you never know what might come of it.

madmax.

 

[I Can Do This]

And I have started to accept all the sides of me that will never have their potential explored.

Yes - that makes me want to cry.

I need to find a way to let go of the comparison, because all it does is disempower me and stop me from focussing on what I do have, and what I can do

I forget who said it but I heard that "Comparison is violence toward yourself". And it is true because it hurts us so much. I struggle with it too and I come back to the FACT that nobody makes it out of life unscarred by it. Everyone will have their pain that will bring them to their knees. When we compare - we only see what is not real in others and then compare that to what is real in us. The wealthy suburb is an illusion that hides the truth that those people have their pain too.

 

[I Can Do This]

I will say, when I feel as you do today, it is when I forget who and what I really am, what we are really here for, and focus on the details as if they are the meaning.

Beautifully said Muse! Buddhism really helped me enormously and influences me just as I see it does you. My favorite is the first noble truth: In life, suffering is inevitable. It is not punishment for doing wrong, nor is happiness a reward for doing right. It is simply the consequence of being human.

 

[Hashi]

Poems and fellow sufferers are not going to solve your problem or should I say "our" problems.

I think prime-no already answered this in her post, in response to my statement about compassion not changing the mess I'm in. I agree with her.

I also agree that planning is needed, and I'm going to run the plan past a couple of other people to get some feedback on it. :)

 

[Hashi]

I Can Do This, I'm sorry for your situation. What an achievement to get a Masters degree. I really hope something does turn up for you.

I think you're right about trusting, in the sense of trusting what I believe in. I'm certain you meant all your words with the very best heart. At the same time, I don't relate to the word/concept "God" so I hope you don't mind me gently asking you to put that in "I" statements only (ie only as your view for yourself, rather than advice for me). This is actually the forum policy about religion.

I'm sorry that you're in the same boat. Let's aim to both stay afloat! (And everyone else here, too.)

 

[Hashi]

I am in the same situation. I am just waking up as well... I feel bad about my self as well.

I'm sorry, Ms Spock. I hope this thread can help you feel a little less bad, too.

 

[Mashasim9]

I can definitely relate. I am struggling to believe in myself again as well. A few years ago I woke up from my fog and felt more alive than ever. I went back to college, fell in love and was the happiest I had ever been in life.
I have downward spiraled ever since my fiancee left me for another man and I didnt get accepted into a Radiology program as planned. Now I am living in a house in a new city with room mates that are great but I just cant open up to them because I have self issues and trust issues. I have lost both jobs that I have had up here because I was reckless and took them for granted. I have been struggling to keep myself together through all the anxiety. I had to sell just about everything I own to pay for rent. Now I am just hanging on.....for what? I dont know. I wish us both "luck" and strength. I no longer believe in love and that was always the fire that kept me going.