Relationship The Saddest Realization I Have Ever Discovered...

[Sarah_1990]

As most of you know, I was with a Marine veteran diagnosed with PTSD for about a year and a half. Throughout the time since our breakup, he has said hurtful things, things that concern me, things I am almost positive were just words to push me away. I have done research after research and listened to first hand accounts, joined forums and websites, etc. I have been on top of this for quite some time.

But here is the worst realization I have ever realized...

No matter how much research I do, or how much time and effort I take to support him, he is not coming back. He has numbed any feeling for me, and truly believes he is doing what is best for me. I wish he could see that this is probably the worst thing for me he could have done. Because at the end of the day, I KNOW this is a part of who he is and I embrace it as if it were another limb on his body. Why? Because I love him more than anyone could possibly understand.

I am so TIRED of people telling me to move on and to get over it. Not nearly as extreme, but like a traumatic event experienced by many of you fine people, how annoyed did it make you when someone would tell you to just get over it? That it was in the past and to leave it there. If only those people understood how important this was to me, then maybe they would not be as heartless.

I have been living my life as best as I can, despite the heartbreak rocking my soul. But something tells me to keep fighting for this one. That maybe he truly does want love and affection, but feels he cannot offer it. I have stopped talking to him completely for right now, so he can get as much space as needed. He will contact me when he is ready. But I made sure my parting words were that I am always here for him and that he is always in my thoughts.

There is nothing else I can do.

Much like the Marine Corps slogan that he lives by everyday, I am that way to him. Semper Fidelis - Always faithful.

 

[Barberian]

It's not over, till it's over. PTSD recovery (at least back to a functional stage) can take years or more. If he's in therapy and such, there is hope for a faster recovery. If he is just doing it alone without therapy and if needed, medication, his recovery is probably stalled for the time being. Pushing loved ones away is a common coping mechanism both designed to protect loved ones and to protect themselves from the vulnerability of loving someone. It doesn't always mean the love is dead or gone.

It's your life, only you can make any decisions for your future. I suggest looking into support groups and possibly therapy for yourself to keep yourself strong. If you succumb to the pain and turmoil, you can't be a pillar for him to lean on, to look up to, to look forward to.

 

[sd167008]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can relate to you. I haven't been seeing my vet for as long as you, but I know what you mean about wanting to work it out.

I know it doesn't help, but you're not alone in these feelings. I'm not talking to my guy right now so he can take the space he needs to heal (he's coming off a bad ptsd episode). I miss him every day and the lack of communication is heart wrenching.

I hope you two are able to work it out. Love is a very powerful thing.

 

[I Can Do This]

Heartbreak is extremely painful - and it can be a traumatic event for many people. I agree, those heartless remarks are really not advice, but more like "enough about you, let's talk about me". I doubt they are coming from your close friends and loved ones who really do care - so be cautious who you open yourself up to - I quote Brene Brown frequently - she says only share your story with those who have earned the right to hear it. And it's really good advice.

I know your pain is huge - but it will subside - so you can count on that as good news that the future will not always feel this way. And if he is not "the guy" that means that someone else is. My friend always tells me "if not this, something better" when something I want doesn't turn out as I had hoped. So that is a mantra I use frequently because it keeps my eyes on the future - not on the past. I hope it helps you.

 

[dms]

I also understand and will keep you in my prayers!!

 

[discarded]

Hi Sarah. I have endured the heartache you describe. 28 years of marriage just wasn't enough. I loved him and thought it would be enough but I was wrong. There is a limit to how much any of us can take. Mine was when my depression had become so great I wanted to end my life. That was when I decided that it just wasn't worth it anymore. I still believe he is worth it, but the toll on me is not.

I spent endless hours, days and months trying to rationalise everything, trying to desperately understand his illness and how best to help. He didn't want my help or anybody else. It is hard enough to manage to survive on his own without the added pressure of a relationship. The honest truth as I see it is the sufferers are right, it isn't fair on the supporters. The truth is, it takes two people to have a relationship and if one doesn't want it then it simply won't work.

All of us supporters think they are worth it and of course they are. However it seems we all tend to think we know what is best for our sufferers and we hope we will be their saviours. We choose to ignore their efforts to push us away, always fighting to stay in their lives. We need to listen to them, we need to honour their wishes and give them space if they need it.

I don't have any answers for you. I certainly didn't have any the answers when I was trying to save my own marriage and help my sufferer. I am still going through tremendous emotional pain, still having days where I question if I did the right thing. All I know is I did what was best for me in the end. I had no other choice.

Please don't ever believe that your sufferer and his needs are in anyway more important than yours. They are different needs, a lot simpler and basic no doubt, but if they are continually not met, you will suffer in the long run. Take care of yourself, set your own goals and priorities. Support from a distance if need be. Of course he is worth it, you can see that far better than he can, but you are too.

 

[I Can Do This]

All of us supporters think they are worth it and of course they are. However it seems we all tend to think we know what is best for our sufferers and we hope we will be their saviours. We choose to ignore their efforts to push us away, always fighting to stay in their lives. We need to listen to them, we need to honour their wishes and give them space if they need it.

Beautifully and compassionately said.

I don't have any answers for you. I certainly didn't have any the answers when I was trying to save my own marriage and help my sufferer. I am still going through tremendous emotional pain, still having days where I question if I did the right thing. All I know is I did what was best for me in the end. I had no other choice.

My heart goes out to you - I think I can feel your pain from your writing, which is beautiful. You did do the right thing. As much as you love him, you have to love yourself more - you deserve to have everything you gave to him. And I sincerely wish that you will find one to love you that way.