Thanks Mercy. Yes perhaps certain self-recriminations or self-blame or self rejection/ hatred get started elsewhere and then (I) continue it. :( I was thinking before, of all 'traumas', life-or-death instances/ happenings etc, actually abuse, or prolonged verbal and other run down, in some ways took a greater toll. Have heard before 'cut myself some slack', never was quite sure what that meant exactly.
I think as per my dad, or anyone/ thing else for that matter, it requires forgiveness. Self-forgiveness also. So much was/ is probably not understood, on my part. I guess that could be said for and about everybody. For example, I recall my dad seriously wanting to isolate at one point (my sister saying to him, "Listen to yourself, you have a wife and kids!") . Now I understand differently, these last few years. I guess I wonder too, like some sufferers have said here, if he had, or he lost feelings he had for us kids/ myself. Oddly enough we were close. Or maybe like me he forgot past memories, and hence feelings? Or just didn't express it? I guess Ill never know. Maybe it just was ptsd and there were cycles? I don't know.
I did have a close call tonight, someone else's unsolicited rage, but lucky I avoided worse, and physical damage. Was able at some level to 'feel' a little more assertive. Am hoping by a miracle it will result in positive change, I identified and expressed the hosility weeks ago. So I guess that's added to stress. I hope I won't feel 'lousy' as I usually do after such things . Oddly enough I thank my 'dad' at some level for that, despite what I've thought (or 'wondered' ) lately of him I wonder if he 'helped' this come to a head today.
I think I also realize, even more than the stress cup, I am hit by stress now, physically and psychologically/ emotionally. Whereas before, all my life really, I just assumed it had to be taken in stride, and by trying that was the end of it. So just like now, despite the hostlity, despite knowing and dreading it and anticipating the possible likelihood of it each day, I never took in to consideration it (that) has an effect on me also.
Hugs to you, sweet Mercy :hug: :inlove: , thanks as always for your kind words and presence, xoxox.
