Overcoming Witnessing A Tragic Death

[Thinkingman85]

*Please do not read if you are very sensitive

Hello everyone. 10 years ago, my father died of a massive heart attack. It occured in the middle of the night. Unfortunately, the next day, I literally saw the aftermath. I understand that death is a part of life and it is best to move on and do your best because that is what your father would want you to do. However, after witnessing such a scene, I'm 99% sure that he suffered immensely before he passed. I will not go into detail, but the sight was gory.

I have learned that accepting the loss of someone can be difficult. I lost my grandmother, but her passing doesn't affect me today. I am happy for the time I spent with her. However, after 10 years, I am still holding on to the awareness that my father suffered before he passed. I think about how much fear he would have been in knowing that he was having a heart attack. I think about him not being able to call for help because he was having a heart attack.

This awareness has led me to develop a negative view of the world. I think to myself, "How could something that horrible happen to someone?" and "The universe doesn't care about me. It's meaningless and cold."

I am not completely sure why I hold on to this pain, but it has stopped me for enjoying my life for over six years. It's like a locked in PTSD memory that I can't get rid of... An unnatural and too painful of a memory. Any time I think about doing something good with my life, the thought "Look at what the universe did to your father. What makes you think you will be able to enjoy life? You are a victim of the universe too." pops up.

If I don't get over this and come to grips with a better perception, I will not be able to move forward. If anyone has any advice or tips, I would really appreciate them. Thanks for reading.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Thinkingman,

I lost my father on Christmas Day, 2010 from sudden cardiac arrest. For a long time, the images of his body were frozen in my mind and Christmas lost all of its joy. But last year, I realized that death wasn't who he was...who he was, is how he lived his life, the people he touched, the things he did, and the memories he created. By focusing on his death and the "unfairness" of life, I was missing what he tried to teach me and those around him.

No matter what you believe, our death is not what defines "who" we are; but it is how we have lived. It isn't the possessions, money or success, but the lives and relationships that we have made a positive impact on. So if I live a life a fraction of how well my father lived his, I will have passed on one of the greatest lessons that anyone can teach another.

In all fairness, this lesson did not come easy, but it came fast. It has been in facing my own mortality that I have had a fundamental shift in how I view life. Yes, horrible things happen, but so many good things also happen in life that is what I have chosen to grasp on to. Those are my life lines now.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the response intothelight. Sorry to hear about the loss. I think you are right that a person's death doesn't define who he or she is. I am sure that my father wouldn't have wanted to go that way, so it is not a part of his character. One thing that I get caught up in is the "if only". If only he would have eaten healthier and not smoked cigarettes then he probably wouldn't have had a heart attack and would still be alive. Honestly, during the time of his heart attack, he was letting his health go.

There are many times when I blame him for not being alive because he, just like any other person, knew the implications of eating unhealthy and smoking. I have anger knowing that he was aware of the repurcussions his choices could cause in which they did. Because of that, I honestly feel like I was disrespected or not taken as serious as I should have been as a son. I, for one, make sure that I am always in good health because I don't want to risk a heart attack. I guess the feeling of not being taken serious is something I have to deal with. I feel like he left me stranded and that when he was alive, he was aware that what he was doing could, in fact, just do that. I love him, but I also have anger toward him. This two feelings lead to my grief being unresolved.

 

[franciemarnie]

I don't have any good advice necessarily but I can share my experience.

First off, I am so sorry about your dad dying, the way he died, and the way you found him. My heart goes out to you.

I think I had a similar experience when my mom died of cancer after taking care of her that last year. I was so mad at "God", I can't tell you. Therapy sort of helped. At the very least it was someone to talk to. Then I started drinking. Need I say, that was a mistake but when you hurt so badly sometimes a person will do anything to lesson the pain. Eventually the drinking created more pain and after some time I quit drinking. I never really dealt fully then with the idea of a world in which I could see no Divine Hand as I had been brought up to believe because the drinking interfered.

Fast forward decades and once again I was devastated anew with something horrible happening and this time - without drinking or drugs I was forced to deal with it. A true dark night of the soul, which can be defined - tho not exclusively - as a time in your life when you find everything you believed to be true - vitally important beliefs that gave you a sense of well being - turns out not to have been true at all, or so it appears. You don't have any reassuring sign posts or anything to tell you where you are and how to get back home. It is the hero's journey that many have written about like Joseph Campbell. It was the most difficult thing I have gone thru, after the experiences that have me C-PTSD.

I am praying you have people to talk to about what you are going thru. That was vitally important to me. I tried talking to people to see what got them thru the worst times. I read a zillion memoirs of people that had suffered thru soul altering events to see how they did it. I also beat the hell out of two punching bags to get the anger out because I definitely stored it in my muscles.

I can't explain here all that I came away with but I tell you this honestly - one morning I woke and found joy again. The grey filter between me and the world had lifted. My heart was light once more.

I found an acceptance of the way the world is, the darkness, the incomprehensible, and it was important I recognized the light also. For me right now, "G_d" is a mystery beyond my comprehension.

Somehow I experienced this on a visceral level, not just as an intellectual concept.

Just one more thing. Your day's death may have been difficult. It was also a very small part of his life. I am hoping he had a good rich life (I don't mean money) and that whatever pain he felt at the end was short lived.

As long as we don't give up, change is possible. Bless you.

 

[Thinkingman85]

That is true. As you have realized, God is always with us. I think being aligned with God mentally, physically, and spiritually is what will bring me joy. My view of a personal caring god is out the window, but the idea of the divine is something worth living for.

 

[Deleted member 20072]

Welcome and thanks for sharing your journey. I can relate to parts of your story with parts of mine and I think you came to the right place to reach out :)

 

[intothelight]

One thing that I get caught up in is the "if only". If only he would have eaten healthier and not smoked cigarettes then he probably wouldn't have had a heart attack and would still be alive.

I think that "if only" and "what if" are pretty normal, but with PTSD they become too much of our thought processes and we tied up in them. At some point, we have to shift the "if only" and just accept what was and learn what we can from it. It is not easy to redirect the thinking, but absolutely necessary to move forward.

Grief is a difficult process to work through and I think that PTSD can make it harder and longer. Feeling angry is very normal and grief processing is not linear. It can be cyclical, but each time the cycle is processed I have found it is less intense.

 

[Bilby]

I don't have PTSD, but I hope you don't mind me commenting. I lost my Dad in 2001, under similar circumstances. I still get caught with "what if..." scenarios.

Something that helped me a lot was actually talking to his Doctor. It may or may not help you, but I was able to ask all the things that were on my mind and have him answer me.