Sufferer Medically Retired Police Officer

[Olivia Felton]

Deep breath. Hello, my name is Olivia. I am a medically retired police officer. I suffer from PTSD, Anxiety, and Situational Hyperawareness. I spent 25 years in law enforcement at local state, and federal levels. I completely lost it in my last call, which was a suicide homicide. 2 parents and 4 kids. There was a lot of gallows humor during that call, and I did the unthinkable and destroyed the crime scene by taking the baby and holding her and rocking her. I refused to let the paramedics take her, and they ended up sedating me right there at the scene . This was 2 years ago.

Spent some time in a psych ward. My department graciously allowed to retire on a medical. I haven't worked since then, as I am currently house bound. I joined this group as the suggestion of my psychiatrist, who was a police officer when he was younger.

I take a bunch of horse pills to get through minute by minute, hour by hour. I am working on expanding that to day by day. I suffer from insomnia, night terrors when I do sleep. I am married, but my husband is having to take a break from my crazy. He was a soldier in Desert Storm/Shield, so he has a very small idea of what I go through.

Thanks for listening/reading.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi Olivia and welcome to the forum.

I hope the information and support here will help you to find peace.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Olivia,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

I hope you find the information and support here beneficial as you work on healing.

Take care.

Debbie

 

[franciemarnie]

Welcome Olivia.

I am up with the insomnia at the moment. You are not alone. Eventually sleep will come. It always does tho not necessarily when I want it!

I used to have night terrors. I hated that. Life was bad enough and the sleep was just as bad. But I don't have them anymore. I hope yours come less and less, then quit entirely.

Living minute to minute is the only way sometimes, just putting one foot in front of the other. It helps me when I try to stay present.

I am sorry about what you went through. It was awful. I am glad your psychiatrist suggested you come here. I hope it will give you the hope and healing it gives me.

 

[Olivia Felton]

Thank you all for welcoming me. I have read many of your experiences, so I feel better knowing that my normal is much the same as y'alls normal.

 

[The Albatross]

Welcome Olivia, glad you're here.

 

[Raj]

Welcome, I thank you for sharing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Welcome!

 

[safenow]

Hi Olivia,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. Sorry for all you've been through, and are still going through. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, and now am burning it. (Sorry for my sense of humor). I have PTSD from multiple traumas, which started at age 2 when my mother died and the woman who my father brought home to tend my sister and I turned out to be a sadistic human person. My father believed I had murdered my mother by just being born, so he turned a blind eye to all she did before she murdered my sister and I was rescued. Over the next 65 years I went off and on through various types of trauma and just plain bad stuff. You know?

Anyway, lets just say, I can so relate to what you went through. I think many of us here can. Bless your heart and mind. Life can really suck big time when you have to face the realities of it. What you saw, no person should have to experience. I sure do thank the cops that rescued me, but never had a chance to tell them.

I'm glad your doc told you to come here. You are going to find it very helpful to be around people whom will listen when you talk about those day to day issues, and not judge you or call you crazy. This is a very safe, healing place.

Don't forget to keep breathing and trying to get some fresh air every day. Even if it is just an open window, okay? It is going to take some time, but you will eventually be able to function again. Perhaps not as you did prior to your job, but function nonetheless.

See you around the forum,
safenow

 

[Olivia Felton]

Thank you to all the others for your messages and sharing. I have looked, but I can't find a forum that talks about SS disability, like navigating through the system.

I have an evaluation with an appointed counselor on Monday and I am very nervous. I already distrust/fear this person and am afraid that I won't be able to reopen up about my situation.

My medical retirement means that I only get 1/3 of what my salary was and it covers some mental health treatment.

 

[safenow]

I hear ya. My goodness, it really sucks, doesn't it?

When I first got ill this last time, I had to make the adjustment of living on next to nothing and knowing I'd never work again. It was so dang hard. I got physically much worse, because with my medical condition stress brings on exacerbation which makes my PTSD go off the charts. sigh. But I have finally adjusted, for the most part, so it's not as bad as it was for many years. I'm sure glad that part of my life is finally over.

I'm glad you are getting some help with that issue. I suggest you write down as much of your situation as you can so you don't have to try and verbally explain it to anyone. It can really help. Good luck.

safenow

 

[blackemerald1]

Hi Olivia, welcome to the Forum. Thank you for sharing your experience here. I hope that you find this Forum to be a good place to visit. I know that I do.

You are so brave, being medically discharged and losing so much of your wages, that is totally corrupt in my view.

So many memories aside from the incident that brought you down. Police officers are severely over-exposed to all manner of terrible situations and still, they must move on.

I hope you begin to feel better soon. I also hope your review with the doctor goes well. It really is a good idea to write down your symptoms, intrusive thoughts, sleep patterns and so on. Make a copy and offer it to the doctor if you can. I have done that several times because I freeze up in interviews.

Anyway good luck,
blackemerald1