Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Tinyflame]

I hope someone can help, first of all I mean this in no negative way to supporters or sufferers. I have read many theads, one said people should not have children if they were mentally ill or had been suicidal. Many supporter threads express much experienced grief, many sufferer threads say they do not feel they give their spouse what they need or deserve.

To be clear, I do understand that everyone has their own situation, experience and opinion. But it finally hit home a way to dscribe what bothers me so.

Before I knew what PTSD was I hid how I felt and what I experienced and did the best I could. I did not commit myself in a marriage for their sake and mine. I did not plan on having children as cancer is extremely present (genetic predisposition) in my family. But reading here, probably arguably the most positive or hopeful arena for ptsd discussion, genuine arguments made that one should limit other's exposure to ptsd (and hence in my case myself, since it presented itself before I was an adult). It says at the top that trauma and depression don't get better in isolation, but other than a T (which I don't have) it sounds unfair then to expose others who are not bound by any ties. Yet conversely, making such choices (or needing to, in good conscience) leaves one with less purpose and less reason to fight for. I was always relationship-oriented; that is people meant more than 'things'.

I have always believed that no one need accept limitations, in that you always hear of the person climbing the mountain without legs. But in the posts I read, it says for example it's better to not have children and such. Oddly enough, I think I could have been a half-decent mother. But- and perhaps this is the key- it sounds like it's recommended to have the least connections possible for the times when one could be (*will be*) unwell. So perhaps not. I have admitedly only one relative I have contact with left, friends I have failed, a friend I have burdened. Strangers or new friends are ok, but after reading the threads I want to limit my exposure to them sooner than later. They don't realize what could be coming, and I'm certainly not revealing anything in advance (for my sake, especially when the connection is superficial or I know may be short lived). But being that I know that once if they're on the receiving end, it seems an unfair and unequal burden on them.

In other words, how responsible am I from shielding people from this? Not just for my sake, but also theirs? I am not a deceitful person, but I am the one with ptsd and no one needs to have that invade their peace. What is the difference between letting the ptsd limit or dictate my choices or not 'pushing through' (not challenging myself), and protecting others who don't need this (cr*ppy stuff) in their lives?

Thanks for reading. I hope others will answer truthfully, even if it's brutal. It can't be white-washed, ptsd is brutal too.

 

[Lucasta]

Respectfully, that's the PTSD talking.

The idea that you should not inflict yourself on other people is an example of "all or nothing" thinking. Having PTSD doesn't necessarily make you a "bad" anything. Not a bad friend, a bad sister, a bad husband or a bad parent. Just a person with a disorder. Sometimes I'm bad company, but I have friends and family who love me all the same. Everyone has faults- that doesn't mean you should lock yourself away. There are plenty of things about you that are lovable and wonderful, you'd be locking those things away, too, and that's not fair.

I've chosen not to have children, and mental illness was a big factor in that decision. But it wasn't because I would be a "bad" mother or because a child would deserve better, it was because I deserve better- the demands of motherhood would make it difficult for me to remain as healthy as I can be.

If you want the brutal truth, I think you're mired in self-pity right now. Which is fine. We all end up there at some point. But I'm willing to bet that there are people in your life already who love and care about you, and they can make their own decisions about whether they want you in their lives. I've pushed a lot of people away as a result of the feelings you describe. This disease makes it really really hard to see the good in your life, and the desire to isolate yourself is purely destructive.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Lucasta, actually I'm mired in fear, I don't feel sad or hard done by. I actually don't have people that love me etc- but I don't mean that in a "wha wha" way, I've tried to keep it as such. My sister loves me, the best she can under her own circumstances.

Your choices sound healthy and yes, I agree, very wise way to view it. Most of my life I've been responsible for caring for others, which I was happy with but harbored no illusions as to the care, stability and sacrifice children would need, either.

Thank you for your view (yikes can't find the words).

 

[Tinyflame]

Actually, that already helps too, because posing it in a question draws to mind for me 4 things:

1) it sounds stupid
2) If you've gone through abuse it's hard not to believe the words, hard to stand up against them when you love someone also
3) I don't feel like a 'survivor' re: ptsd because I still fail badly (re: the ptsd), and
4) I have to find a purpose, closest I have is not causing harm. So this is a big one for me, guess what frightens me.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Junebug,
Re: "In other words, how responsible am I from shielding people from this? Not just for my sake, but also theirs? I am not a deceitful person, but I am the one with ptsd and no one needs to have that invade their peace. What is the difference between letting the ptsd limit or dictate my choices or not 'pushing through' (not challenging myself), and protecting others who don't need this (cr*ppy stuff) in their lives?"

I think the same way all the time. I feel it is my duty to protect everyone else and so I isolate. I'm told by my priest that I need to allow others to make their own decisions, but my response is that they don't know how evil I am inside. It's like a disease that I can prevent from being spread, but only because I know all about it. Others don't know how bad it can be so I must protect them.

And when I let down my guard, the predictable happens and I'm left sitting there thinking that I should have kept it all hidden as everyone would've been better off.

 

[safenow]

I think I could have been a half-decent mother. But- and perhaps this is the key- it sounds like it's recommended to have the least connections possible for the times when one could be (*will be*) unwell.

My dear Junebug,

Listen to your auntie safenow for a minute. I want you to sit down here next to me and if you think I'm being cruel, tell me so. "hands Junebug a box of tissues".

You are not a bad person. You will probably make a fine mother when you find the right man to marry. Don't settle for anything less than a loving, caring, decent human being who will love you to pieces, in spite of that fact you had some bad shit happen in your past. Someone who will be able to support you when you need support. Someone who will argue with you and love you at the same time. Someone who will defend you when you need it. Someone who will hold you when you want it. Someone you can snuggle with and love to pieces. Someone you can respect.

Did you know that children are 100% love? Yup. 100% love. Clean, pure love. Sure, they make mistakes. Guess what! We all do. It's why we are here on earth. To learn. To grow. To love and be loved. This is a temporary condition, this earth life.

Everyone on the face of this planet has bad stuff in their past, or in the now, or in the future. If everyone who did stopped getting married or having children, this planet might as well blow up and be done with it. Need I repeat that last part? I hope not.

Of course you are afraid after reading all the stuff we write about. Girl, all you are hearing or reading about is the negative stuff. Listen or look for all the good stuff we share. Ways we are coping with the bad stuff. Go to the threads that ask for what we are grateful for. Add your own stuff, then read what others say there. Join in the 21 day challenge and start seeing what's right with being a PTSD sufferer or supporter. Limit how much bad stuff you read.

If people in the outside world say stuff to you or leave you or blame you, then let them walk away, or you walk away. You don't need that crap. You don't have to put up with it. What they are offering is not love. It is not. Honest and truly. You don't need that kind of emotion being dumped on you.

The more positive you are, the more you will attract caring, positive people to you. That's a fact. I have no clue why, but it works that way.

Keep a positivity journal, and every day look for something you can be grateful for and write it down. Cut out pictures of things that make you smile, or feel good and paste them in that journal. Any positive quotes or saying you see or hear, write them down in that journal. Find fabrics that feel good to you, and staple a swatch in that journal. And then, most importantly, READ that journal every morning, and again before you go to bed. Touch that fabric and rub it next to your cheek.

"Hands the trashcan to Junebug so she can throw away all those used tissues." "Touches your cheeks with a cold washcloth."

Safe, gentle hugs to you little adopted niece of mine, Be safe. Be happy. It is good for you. Are you still awake? (Giggle)

Auntie safenow

 

[Abstract]

Hi Junebug,

I can certainly see why you posted the thread. I have decided I need to read the supporters forums less or stop.

My opinion: just because a group of people have PTSD does NOT mean that they are all the same. Personally I think it comes down to the detail and how you interact with others.

For me my terrible inability to respond to communication or to let people in at all if I care about them is the reason why I think I should not have friends or relationships. But I have two friends and an H (for what that is worth - almost zero interaction) already and they do not choose to de- relationship me and I have to let them have that choice. But I am not making new friends for this reason.

Other than that and despite the PTSD I am fairly good relationship material. I am empathic, I am not volatile in a way that harms others, I mostly am able to own my own issues, I now have good boundaries and am getting better at not taking responsible for what is not mine. I destruct internally not externally.

So really I think it is down to looking at your behaviour. You obviously have loads of empathy. I am not sure if you have problems isolating. If you want brutal honestly I would guess your biggest problem is the "I am a terrible person and am undeserving and am responsible for everything" thing. Personally I would not have children if I was repeatedly suicidal as well.

I suspect there is zero reason why you should avoid relationships. When it comes to children, you never know where you may be and what you may be like by the time you get there. I don't think its something you need to decide right now.

I suspect a lot of how you feel with this again plays into that whole awful "I am a burden" mindset that seems to be such a problem for you. Do you think?

You are a very warm and kind person and you may be denying people having access to that if you avoid relationships Junebug.

Well done for posting. It sounds really important!

 

[nursenurse]

Abstract hit the nail on the head: all PTSD people are not the same. And the biggest proof is in reading through this forum.

I look at PTSD as I would look at a disease in my world in that there are signs and symptoms common to sufferers. But you can still have a great sense of humour. Or be a type A personality. You can still be easy going, okay, at times, but others may never be easy going, just as in non sufferers. You can be analytical or laissez faire. Sufferers are not Martians, but beautiful souls who just happen to have PTSD. Capable and worthy of love, compassion, dreams, desires. You are not anything less than that.

Cultivate carefully. Just as it hurts when you are written off, you can hurt when you write people off when they care for you. Toxic people out, no one has time for that, or those who personify drivel. The human heart is made for love on all levels. Don't let that sort of false humility stand in the way of keeping those who care about you in our lives. When you think about it, we have all burdened people at one time or another, and if we all chose to protect everyone around us because of our perceived short comings, well, we'd be all alone. And I am sure there would not be babies :D Just my opinion.

 

[p-no]

Hi Junebug,

I find your post to be a touching very important issues with PTSD. Thanks for posting. As Peppermint Patty from The Peanuts has it: "I have everything but the answers."

Some of those in this thread have said it so much better than I could have so I hope it's okay if I "borrow" their words.

I've chosen not to have children, and mental illness was a big factor in that decision. But it wasn't because I would be a "bad" mother or because a child would deserve better, it was because I deserve better- the demands of motherhood would make it difficult for me to remain as healthy as I can be.

Ditto. Absolutely.

I'm told by my priest that I need to allow others to make their own decisions

I think this is very, very true. I find it very important to learn to let others make their own decisions. There was a time when I didn't, and then there is the time that I have been able to.

Many supporters on here (not all, I have realized though) think (and probably truly believe) that they can deal with anything coming up and that they would always stay by your side as long as you keep the lines of communication open, as long as [insert whatever their troubles with their loved ones are re PTSD]. However, there was a time when I told people close to me what was going on, my history, my PTSD troubles, etc. Some I told details, some I did not, depending on the relationship the respective person and I had. To be honest, and you asked for the truth, many left. Many took the decision to not stay by my side -- and I am not talking partners only, but family and good friends. Friends I told all I told them only because I was convinced that what I said could not destroy our relationship. Change it, yes, possible. "Kill" one or the other, yes, too. But not so many.

I am saying this because I think it's part of being mindful towards your own self to be(come) ready for sharing your history, PTSD troubles etc. and be ready for the others in turn taking their own decisions. In my experience, some stayed, some left, some vanished into thin air (that's how it felt) before my very eyes, some relationships changed (because they distanced themselves a little more) and some relationships grew stronger.

I think, that if you have been left in a lot of pain for your own trauma history and if you have faced PTSD basically all your life, you should be careful with putting yourself out there. This is not saying you shouldn't do it; just be very, very careful with yourself, your core, your inner child... Once you allow others to take their own decisions, some will choose to go. And "we" need to be able to deal with that in a healthy way when it happens. Otherwise, I guess, it could be retraumatising.

It's like a disease that I can prevent from being spread, but only because I know all about it.

I feel the same way. First of all, I think it is true. You (Junebug, SoL, me) know all about your own trauma history and all the effects of it. Nobody else does. Also, we can only share so much... literally limited by time, language, the state of our own connection between mind and soul, etc.

In my life-long experience with PTSD I have found that there really are people who can't take "it" (the severity of my traumas, the details, even the headlines only... etc.). Every person is different and they, too, (those you know) have their own histories, their own losses, their own troubles -- and thus they have their own limits of what they can take. Some supporters say and probably really believe that a person with PTSD should just talk and let it out. But it's not that simple. I think, they need to look at themselves first and they might want to respect themselves more, as the people they truly are. We're all just human.

When I was younger, and about to get married, I thought that my marriage should be the place where I can let it all out, just as he could. I don't believe that anymore. I have made the decision that for me with my history and my life and me being me, I want to not blurt out the details anymore. Also, I have decided that I don't want to voice all symptoms I have. My symptoms, I think, have gotten as well as they can be; my therapist said the other week that she does not know what else to teach me (with regard to dealing with symptoms) since I'm already applying all I've learned. This is hard on me, but true all the same. Today, I think that a relationship needs good times, vitally. And I personally suffer a lot in daily life. But if I focused on that, I'd be suicidal in no time. So, for me, I have found a way to deal with my trauma history and the realities of my life, then and now, and I am making sure to keep those relationships I have going and being well by not sharing literally everything.

This is not about being or acting as a martyr for others. This is a conscious decision I have taken FOR ME. It ensures that my relationships, those I have, work well, and are not centered around my trauma history and my PTSD. I think, it also has been key for me to not end up in full-blown depression; I deal with things in MY ways, in MY time; it is how I can actually have a life that I consider a life, and not survival.

I have decided I need to read the supporters forums less or stop.

Ditto.

 

[p-no]

What I meant to say, but I guess, may have not made clear, is, that a person with PTSD, in my view, needs a strong support system, consisting of many people rather than just one or two, who can all help carry the burden. I have decided to keep my traumas mainly with therapists, my doc, my self-help groups. I do tell friends I trust, but not all that affects me and not all the ways and especially not the extents to which it does. I want good in my relationships, and if I shared it all, made use of so many supporters' offers or suggestions to get it out there and share and rely on them, they'd be overwhelmed and it would be all about me. This is not the PTSD talking, this is real for my life. Keeping things back also ensures that I won't drift off into depression because I won't make my trauma history such a huge part of my life anymore.

You definitely deserve togetherness, love, kindness, friendships, love, Junebug. It's more about finding a way that is good for you. And if the issue you've raised here is an issue and something you find important, work with it. Maybe you can find a few more shades of grey, so you can have relationships that are good for you. ((((((((Junebug)))))))))

 

[Abstract]

I do very strongly agree that we need to let others make their own decisions about what they want in their lives and who. The remnants of my past caretaking kick in on the subject a bit.

And Junebug, what you need to remember is that you are untreated!!! You have enormous potential to heal and improve.

And from what you share you already have extreme difficulty letting anyone support you in any way. That is not something that anyone needs to do regardless of their circumstances. Isolate themselves from any emotional support. Unless they are a serial killer and need to hand themselves over to law enforcement maybe! :p

I am with PrimeNo in that I will not be telling details to anyone other than a therapist or somewhere like here. But that does not mean that hiding everything is a good idea. It is not despite the fact that I do just that.

 

[rightkindofme]

As usual my opinion differs. I'm out and I talk about things. I have lost friends and family and I have made friends and family.

I'm married and I have two children. I am an excellent mother.

Are there people who can't handle me? Yes. I smile at them and lovingly tell them to have boundaries with me if they can't handle what I am saying because otherwise I won't know where their boundaries are. I want to be respectful and I can only do so if I am given feedback.

I don't "talk" about my issues much. It is rare that words about PTSD actually come out of my mouth. Instead I blog. I write hundreds or thousands of words just about every day and I have for over a decade. If someone wants to know about my emotional process they read my blog. If they don't want to know then they opt out.

But I came out as an incest/rape survivor on Facebook and wrote a book about my childhood. I'm not going to hide. I just don't shove it in people's faces.

I consider knowing about my emotional experience of the world to be an opt-in experience. People can have such knowledge if they want it. I'm not hiding anything. But I no longer force people to know by speaking. That is how I handle censoring around my kids.

My kids see me as an upbeat, positive, loving person who sometimes starts crying pretty randomly. My line is, "isn't it funny how sometimes bodies do weird things? I'm crying but I'm not sad. I guess I feel stress and my body needs to calm down. Give me a minute to breathe then I can move on."

I used to believe I was toxic waste who should be put down for the good of the herd. Now I look at my children and believe I can't be that awful. I am a very good mother. My children are fierce individuals who can say, "I like it when you hold my hand but please don't grab my arm because that is uncomfortable." Thank you for telling me how I can be respectful towards your body. I appreciate that feedback because I want to be nice to you more than anything in the world and everyone is different and has different preferences. Thank you so much for telling me how I can be kind to you.

I love my kids.