Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Abstract]

Well done Junebug and I think its very likely this thinking comes from both the way you were treated and the verbal abuse.

I do agree that a lot of these things can be subtle ways of keeping ourselves safer and others at a distance.

It really caused a lo of damage. But it's up to me to forgive; if I don't accept the words as truth, I have to then also think at some level they are not valid and were not meant.

I will slightly disagree with some of this though. Just because things said were not valid does not mean that that they were not meant. In that they were not meant to harm rather than believed to be true.

I do think it would be a big and helpful step for you to recognise this "I am a burden" thinking as a "gift" from those who have hurt you, identify it as a distorted thought, and let it go on in the background without giving it importance or legitimacy. If we do that long enough it starts to loose power.

If you can go from "I am a burden" to "the feelings of being a burden are back and I am going to try to ignore them" then I think that would be wonderful for you.


And although I think forgiveness is helpful I think "forgiveness" which is actually absorbing all blame ourselves and never actually working through the anger and pain of how we feel at the person is not true forgiveness and stops us from healing. Not making assumptions about what it is for you but just saying.

And to not make excuses for people when they behave badly! ;):inlove:

And if you mean by a supporter, your sister, then "no"! she is not a supporter. People who happen to be in our facinity and who are verbally and even physically abusive cannot be be labelled as a supporter.

directly internalizing beng told it were better if I am dead, waste of space

I am assuming more recently this is from your sister.


Finding a way to blame ourselves when others harm us may make us feel more powerful and it might be what we are taught but it is extremely destructive and I have found that until we can stop doing it it stops us from being able to live safely.

It saddens me that you are not getting therapy because I think so much of what keeps you trapped in your life is so very helpable and treatable. Maybe in the future huh?! One never knows.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Because when I've read your posts, it's come to me that there is great fear there to just let someone care about you. You are definitely not evil, just you have lived through it.

Actually I know I'm quite bad. All the things I've done in life are pretty unforgivable. The only way to stop it is by isolating because I've tried to change and it just doesn't work.

People say I should "stay" but why? All I do is hurt people. Better to stop the bleeding, don't you think?

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear SoL, what you have tried so far hasn't worked, so the worst thing that could happen trying something different is that it helps. Perhaps the others who tell you to stay are not so wrong.

We all likely have done bad or regrettable things. The beauty of forgiveness is no one 'deserves' it, but it can still be freely given. :)

I think stopping the bleeding makes sense, until the day one realizes others are bleeding also, maybe worse. Maybe you can help stop their bleeding.

 

[Tinyflame]

I do think it would be a big and helpful step for you to recognise this "I am a burden" thinking as a "gift" from those who have hurt you, identify it as a distorted thought, and let it go on in the background without giving it importance or legitimacy. If we do that long enough it starts to loose power.

If you can go from "I am a burden" to "the feelings of being a burden are back and I am going to try to ignore them" then I think that would be wonderful for you.

Dear Abstract yes I agree with the above. And, this is what I'm trying, to ignore the thoughts if or when they arise. Even if I am unable (yet) to believe they are incorrect I can categorically just recognize it as ptsd-(or otherwise)-related. Similar with feelings to flee or isolate, etc.

Did you mean the things said were meant? Or that the intention was meant to hurt?

I do agree, blaming myself (only), leaves out some facts. Things are better than they were, I think because also I respond differently, better with emotional boundaries, working on what I can control (only my self). I don't feel anger much, the hurt it depends.

I must admit, at least I am less afraid of the 'concept' of therapy. Equally so, however, I am a big believer if something isn't possible at one time, perhaps it is possible later. Or when it's meant to be. Only so much I can control. An option not available to me might not be one that would help, for all I know.

Even more so, considering my history, character, temperment, number of years with this, perhaps any healing I've had has come in less conventional ways. Because too I'm too guarded, or unable to overcome some things that fast. Or open up like that. It's too much. Analagous to what BloomInWinter said about "What a horse named Paragon taught me". Or others saying they no longer lock or close their door (because they have children), for example (I do the same because of my German Shepherd :) :inlove: ). I think the nice part is, even if you've given up on yourself you might not notice other ways you're getting a little better, or growing. I still would think of that as healing (versus white-knuckling it). :)

I'm starting small, like trying to get sleep. Tonight it's not so possible, but I am still going to try. I tried to do that in 2007, I remember. Plus reading again, etc.

I'm thankful for getting this far, and for you too Abstact. :inlove: :hug: Xoxox.

 

[Tinyflame]

PS, SoL, if you were that bad you wouldn't care if you were bad. Not to mention, one thing about suffering is you can understand other's suffering a bit better.

 

[Lucasta]

I am going try to trust in that stuff (your words).

Go right ahead! I just want to clarify that when I was talking about motherhood, I was speaking ONLY about my own experience. Plenty of people with mental illnesses are great moms and dads and you may well be one of them. I just wanted to illustrate how choosing not to have kids could be a positive decision, not a self-punishing one. If and when the time is right, I'm sure you'd be a great mom. God knows we have the protective instinct down pat!

 

[Abstract]

Did you mean the things said were meant? Or that the intention was meant to hurt?

Sorry Junebug! I meant that it does not mean there was no intention to hurt. I thin k there almost always is intent. And yes, I think often they don't believe what they are saying. Sometimes they do but that does not make it any more true. Its just because they are projecting there own awful feelings onto us. And if you kneel down and accept them with hands cupped then they will continue to do so.

Its also why there is also always backlash when we refuse to accept it and we stand up and turn away. They are left having to own their own stuff and that is never going to go down well.

you might not notice other ways you're getting a little better, or growing. I still would think of that as healing (versus white-knuckling it).

I do agree. And i understand hwo just being unable to ask for help or let anyone precludes getting help. If I had not had a serious enough eating disorder and serious enough breakdowns where the choice was taken away from me then I might have been in the same situation.

You have done great work and who knows what may be available in the future.... :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You say try something different as if I haven't. Regardless, you get to a point where your body won't cooperate and all that change is pointless because in the end you'll end up alone regardless. It just sucks.

 

[rightkindofme]

I don't think that any one is trying to imply that you haven't tried. The only options you have in life are to keep doing the same thing, stay in one place, or keep trying new stuff. I try new stuff. No matter how many things I have tried I still must try more.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I can accept "here". (Really, I have to.) It would just crush me to try and change that which I cannot.

 

[Tinyflame]

If and when the time is right, I'm sure you'd be a great mom. God knows we have the protective instinct down pat!

Oh Lucasta- hee I'll say, am worse (more protective) than my German Shepherd! :eek: :p . That's sweet and funny.

It's ok, I agree. Thank you for saying my own choice could be a positive one. But sweet of you to say, that I *could* be a good mom, though that's not on the table or what I want. I think it crosses my mind every once in a while (rarely, brought it up only as an example). What occurs more frequently in my mind, is in an attempt to figure out 'who' or 'how' I am, that (example) and everything else included. I'm not really sure? :( If that makes sense.

Thank you :hug: :) .

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Abstract oh how I would quote your whole post above if I could. Thank You. I am exactly that way, or it has been my experience, and similarly (but conversely) because I have been *lucky* to have not been 'forced' to face some things, I realize that has slowed down my progress (potentially), or even endangered my life (technically, at times). But, I also believe I wasn't strong enough to face it (at those times).

I am pulling for you too Abstract! :) :hug: :inlove: Xox. :)