Processing and integration may be related.
I was told long ago that when traumas are occurring, we throw these unwanted memories (most of them visceral/non-verbal) and "throw them in the closet," slamming the door shut. We then throw everything in there that is a trigger, avoiding triggers as much as possible.
Later, when healing is underway (healing in the form of integrating the life narrative, looking for the missing pieces to make sense of life) bits come falling out and hit us. The memories are fragmented and unprocessed in that they were never properly stored, never coded, never labeled, never rehearsed. Normal memories are stored differently and in different parts of the brain. They are accessed differently.
Flashbacks and other strange occurrences seem like bits of the trauma time falling out of the closet and hitting me full on. Rather than view these totally unpleasant experiences as totally bad, I have learned to accept them and allow them to run through, like a tape, while I observe and totally accept the ride, terrible as it may be. Part of me remains the observer and really analyzes what I am doing/feeling.
For example, much of what I have have accessed is the time right after the attacks, when I feel devastated emotionally and instinctively want my mother. I am suspended in the time of wanting my mother to come and make me feel safe again, but she never does.
Rather than remain "stuck" crying and wanting my rescuer to be my mother, I reach out to my carer and consciously "allow" this person to be the one that I wanted to come save me. I tell myself that he is my carer, and that I should allow him to comfort me NOW, even though the trauma was 30 years ago. This has occurred three times. Each time I had to convince myself that it was a good idea to allow this person to function as my spiritual mother, and accept that my real mother is NEVER going to be there for me. This has allowed those flashbacks to stop coming and demanding her presence.
So it looks different for everyone, depending on a lot of things, but I think a key element is to allow the memories to come. I have allowed them to take me on the ride during which there are parts when I do want to die. I come through that part of the ride to the part where I look to love to save me, and there I have power to activate love now. I thus, change the ending of the story, to a happy ending in the present. This has helped me quite a bit. I am not cured. I just processed that part. There is so much more.
I believe in ACT therapy for PTSD not CBT because for me personally, I have had to move through re-experiencing with acceptance. I have had to stop avoidance and running away. Sometimes I needed to relive the emotional content, understand and anaylze my experience to gain a new perspective while also getting very close to it. This, to me, feels like both zooming in and out, in quick succession (or maybe at the same time) in order to gain mastery over whatever has come up for me. Most of all, I respect whatever comes and my emotional responses. I allow it. I don't fight it any more. I am not afraid of it like I used to be. I allow my carer to watch me crumble into a million pieces and be reduced to what I call Chimp state of fear. I become a frightened animal. He can handle it. I can handle it, and we know it will pass.
I have not been able to trust a therapist for this kind of processing. It is far too intimate. I have been with my H. carer for more than half my life, and he is the only one I feel I can trust like that. And trusting him has been the only healing I put my faith in.
He and my kids are my motivation, and maybe, my soul. I was willing to "go back to that time" and relive it, process it, to be better and more alive for them.
It is going into the closet or allowing stuff to come out. However, I have had dreams in which I weigh what I'm willing to face. There is more I've hidden in there that I just don't want to process. I don't see a guarantee that if I face it, it will matter or do any good. But if it comes up, I feel it coming, I try to just let it come if I can, and warn my carer.
For me, processing is personal and at home, and only my career has seen what it looks like to an observer. Before I had him to help me understand and verbalize to afterward, I only could just cry without knowing why. Endless pain and tears. I was stuck there until I had this relationship and trust.
I don't say it's a cure, but I appreciate it whatever it is.
Muse
I was told long ago that when traumas are occurring, we throw these unwanted memories (most of them visceral/non-verbal) and "throw them in the closet," slamming the door shut. We then throw everything in there that is a trigger, avoiding triggers as much as possible.
Later, when healing is underway (healing in the form of integrating the life narrative, looking for the missing pieces to make sense of life) bits come falling out and hit us. The memories are fragmented and unprocessed in that they were never properly stored, never coded, never labeled, never rehearsed. Normal memories are stored differently and in different parts of the brain. They are accessed differently.
Flashbacks and other strange occurrences seem like bits of the trauma time falling out of the closet and hitting me full on. Rather than view these totally unpleasant experiences as totally bad, I have learned to accept them and allow them to run through, like a tape, while I observe and totally accept the ride, terrible as it may be. Part of me remains the observer and really analyzes what I am doing/feeling.
For example, much of what I have have accessed is the time right after the attacks, when I feel devastated emotionally and instinctively want my mother. I am suspended in the time of wanting my mother to come and make me feel safe again, but she never does.
Rather than remain "stuck" crying and wanting my rescuer to be my mother, I reach out to my carer and consciously "allow" this person to be the one that I wanted to come save me. I tell myself that he is my carer, and that I should allow him to comfort me NOW, even though the trauma was 30 years ago. This has occurred three times. Each time I had to convince myself that it was a good idea to allow this person to function as my spiritual mother, and accept that my real mother is NEVER going to be there for me. This has allowed those flashbacks to stop coming and demanding her presence.
So it looks different for everyone, depending on a lot of things, but I think a key element is to allow the memories to come. I have allowed them to take me on the ride during which there are parts when I do want to die. I come through that part of the ride to the part where I look to love to save me, and there I have power to activate love now. I thus, change the ending of the story, to a happy ending in the present. This has helped me quite a bit. I am not cured. I just processed that part. There is so much more.
I believe in ACT therapy for PTSD not CBT because for me personally, I have had to move through re-experiencing with acceptance. I have had to stop avoidance and running away. Sometimes I needed to relive the emotional content, understand and anaylze my experience to gain a new perspective while also getting very close to it. This, to me, feels like both zooming in and out, in quick succession (or maybe at the same time) in order to gain mastery over whatever has come up for me. Most of all, I respect whatever comes and my emotional responses. I allow it. I don't fight it any more. I am not afraid of it like I used to be. I allow my carer to watch me crumble into a million pieces and be reduced to what I call Chimp state of fear. I become a frightened animal. He can handle it. I can handle it, and we know it will pass.
I have not been able to trust a therapist for this kind of processing. It is far too intimate. I have been with my H. carer for more than half my life, and he is the only one I feel I can trust like that. And trusting him has been the only healing I put my faith in.
He and my kids are my motivation, and maybe, my soul. I was willing to "go back to that time" and relive it, process it, to be better and more alive for them.
It is going into the closet or allowing stuff to come out. However, I have had dreams in which I weigh what I'm willing to face. There is more I've hidden in there that I just don't want to process. I don't see a guarantee that if I face it, it will matter or do any good. But if it comes up, I feel it coming, I try to just let it come if I can, and warn my carer.
For me, processing is personal and at home, and only my career has seen what it looks like to an observer. Before I had him to help me understand and verbalize to afterward, I only could just cry without knowing why. Endless pain and tears. I was stuck there until I had this relationship and trust.
I don't say it's a cure, but I appreciate it whatever it is.
Muse
