snappy_turtle
Bronze Member
I'm broken. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel like I'm a disappointment and causing difficulty for others including those that care for me the deepest. If people are this broken, can they ever be a functional part of society ever again? Or am I doomed to feel like "yes, the world WOULD be a better place without me in it because I wouldn't be causing difficulty for others just by existing." I can't shake it. I feel like an outcast of society. As if survival of the fittest is weeding me out by selection and this daily going-through-the-motions waiting for the upturn of all the bad days is me just buying my time. :sorry:
And then for a few split seconds, I get the voice of reason pop in my head saying "what makes you think you're the only one in this world who feels broken or problematic? I bet EVERY adult is like that from time to time and it's a reality of not being perfect. To err is to be human! That this is part of what it means to be an adult - the ability to accept this reality that everything is screwed up."
Then the loop goes back to "well if the whole world is like this, then, it doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me realize how messed up this world is and how there LITERALLY is no such thing as perfection. Then if the world is this way, I just don't want to be in it anymore. What's the freaking point? If no matter what you do, people are broken, including yourself, and there is no concrete thing that can be certifiably held as truth, as perfection, as NORMAL?" :sigh: I've had this loop before at least two other instances in my life, both times of which I was at the lowest of lows enough to hurt myself.
Fortunately, I've got one more day of work this week (tomorrow), which starts off with a therapy session with my behavioral therapist (I haven't seen her in 2 months now because of my missed appointment last month). Followed then by a 6 hour drive down to visit my parents for the long weekend until Sunday (haven't been home at my parents house in 7 months), when I will be driving 6 hours back up north to get home.
Why? Why is it that after over 10 years, I haven't been able to shake this "well if the world is this f**ked up, then I don't want to be part of this!" feeling?
I give up! But the sad part is that even though I give up, I'm still in this messed up world, and there's really no way out of it (that's the part that's changed over the years: my ability to realize that death is not the solution). That's what makes me wish I wasn't born altogether. That's the feeling that makes me wonder why is it that there are people who could be doing so much better than me in this world and instead are facing life-threatening illnesses, being deprived of the very thing that gives us a quality of life, and it makes me wish, why couldn't I be that person suffering instead of them so they could do what's right in this world instead of stupid old me who can't even get the energy to smile when nobody is around or feel like I deserve any of the simplest things that makes us human: the ability to be healthy?
The end of this month marks the 1 year of my trauma. I wonder how I'm going to feel if I can make it past that day.
And then for a few split seconds, I get the voice of reason pop in my head saying "what makes you think you're the only one in this world who feels broken or problematic? I bet EVERY adult is like that from time to time and it's a reality of not being perfect. To err is to be human! That this is part of what it means to be an adult - the ability to accept this reality that everything is screwed up."
Then the loop goes back to "well if the whole world is like this, then, it doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me realize how messed up this world is and how there LITERALLY is no such thing as perfection. Then if the world is this way, I just don't want to be in it anymore. What's the freaking point? If no matter what you do, people are broken, including yourself, and there is no concrete thing that can be certifiably held as truth, as perfection, as NORMAL?" :sigh: I've had this loop before at least two other instances in my life, both times of which I was at the lowest of lows enough to hurt myself.
Fortunately, I've got one more day of work this week (tomorrow), which starts off with a therapy session with my behavioral therapist (I haven't seen her in 2 months now because of my missed appointment last month). Followed then by a 6 hour drive down to visit my parents for the long weekend until Sunday (haven't been home at my parents house in 7 months), when I will be driving 6 hours back up north to get home.
Why? Why is it that after over 10 years, I haven't been able to shake this "well if the world is this f**ked up, then I don't want to be part of this!" feeling?
I give up! But the sad part is that even though I give up, I'm still in this messed up world, and there's really no way out of it (that's the part that's changed over the years: my ability to realize that death is not the solution). That's what makes me wish I wasn't born altogether. That's the feeling that makes me wonder why is it that there are people who could be doing so much better than me in this world and instead are facing life-threatening illnesses, being deprived of the very thing that gives us a quality of life, and it makes me wish, why couldn't I be that person suffering instead of them so they could do what's right in this world instead of stupid old me who can't even get the energy to smile when nobody is around or feel like I deserve any of the simplest things that makes us human: the ability to be healthy?
The end of this month marks the 1 year of my trauma. I wonder how I'm going to feel if I can make it past that day.
