Feeling Stupid And Embarrassed

[Meadowsweet]

I've had an emotional week with memories and feelings all over the place. And I've dealt with it by writing what I'm feeling down in a journal. But today I'm not emotional or fearful, and I feel horribly embarrassed about that emotional side.

I feel angry with myself for letting myself get like that, I feel like a complete idiot. Yet if someone else said that, I'd tell them that it was good to let emotions out. But I'm so ridiculous when I try to let emotions out.

I think I'm just childish, or it makes me feel like a child. Then I get my adult head on, and I think I should stop being so stupid because I'm not a child. This is one of the things that I think would stop me sharing how I feel with other adults - I'm worried that I would make a fool of myself.

But I don't know if I do look like an idiot, or if I'm just afraid that I do.

Does anyone else feel like this?

 

[Froggie]

Adults hurt too and need to let out emotions. Especially PTSDers as there was a lock down on our emotions in order to survive the aftermath of the trauma. One emotion can wake up a PTSD memory which ressembles the emotion you are presently living (((((Meadowsweet))))). You don't look like an idot to me, but a person who is hurting and needing her own permission to live out that hurt. Best of luck to you. Standing by you and linking arms.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I'm a supporter, not a PTSD sufferer and I get it. I know I feel conditioned not to show or feel too much emotion. I feel like when I do that I am, or appear, weak. It's a huge issue I have. So, although I don't understand completely, I do get it.

I also know logically that it is good to be able to feel your emotions, even better to be able to express them. Sending a cyberhug, if you do not mind.

 

[mamachick]

There is what is called a shadow side to ALL of us. If I listed my 5 best characteristic, there would be 5 opposites that are also true. If I said one characteristic is "responsible", there is also a shadow side that is "irresponsible". Yet I get esteem from being responsible, it is a desirable quality. Others admire it. It makes me feel good. Yet somewhere deep inside is that "irresponsible" side. Under the best circumstances, it would rarely come out. Others would not see it. They would describe me as responsible.

Under times of great stress, under certain circumstance, that irresponsible side will show. Yet others would likely not know it because it would be brief and fleeting. I have found that with ptsd, when the symptoms reap its ugly head, we act out of our real character and what we actually value more often, and sometimes do a complete flip, being irresponsible more often than responsible.

You recognize that you had a day that was "out of character" for you. That is wonderful, because it was just a day, not a week, month, year, or lifetime. You are no idiot and I hope that you can forgive yourself promptly for being human. The guilt and anger we feel with ourselves when we don't live up to our own standards can cause us to repeat the behavior, and it can eventually flip. It can become almost contagious. It like when on a diet and we ate 3 oreo's, then tell ourselves we failed and so we eat the whole bag.

You are entitled to a day uncharacteristic of yourself. We are incapable of being 100 percent anything. I have felt the same as you. I am practicing acceptance and focusing on getting back on track with slip ups. Its hard at times.
I hope that you find comfort in this, but if it is not helpful, please disregard.

 

[Meadowsweet]

One emotion can wake up a PTSD memory which ressembles the emotion you are presently living (((((Meadowsweet)))))

needing her own permission to live out that hurt.

Yes, that's pretty much what happened this time. I suppose it's knowing that the emotions are not appropriate to what's actually happened, but not wanting to admit that they are related to traumatic memories. They are out of context, and that makes them ridiculous :mad:

I feel conditioned not to show or feel too much emotion. I feel like when I do that I am, or appear, weak.

Yes, I was brought up around people who get annoyed and embarrassed about emotion. It doesn't help does it.

when the symptoms reap its ugly head, we act out of our real character and what we actually value more often, and sometimes do a complete flip, being irresponsible more often than responsible.

I havn't always been responsible, but at the moment I am, even when emotional. But at the moment, because my emotions are too emotional, my non=emotional self is too non-emotional. So it seems that there's not one good side and one bad, they're both lacking the other side of them. If that makes sense.

 

[mamachick]

I used responsible vs irresponsible as an example. There are many characteristics that we have that are dominant, the non dominant is our shadow side. You could replace the example with, logical, rational, honest, mature, competent, etc.

What you say also makes perfect sense though.
Example: a person is extremely honest-they value honesty and pride themself on being honest. They also expect it from others. They have the strong gut feeling they are being lied to. They tell a lie to trick the other person into being honest. This is out of characteristic for them. They are still essentially an honest person If this happens too much, they will stop feeling like an honest person and feel shame for loosing that quality.

Yet after re-reading your post, maybe this does not apply. I hold things in, am not emotional. Eventually I feel like a doormat and emotions come flooding. Later I think it wasnt such a big deal. Why did I make such a big deal of it and react with such emotion.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Hi Meadowsweet!

I'm a college graduate now, but I was having a rough day my sophomore year of high school, and I had to talk to my guidance counselor. I never talked to him much, except for academic related stuff, but my social worker wasn't there that day, so he was the next best person to talk to. I was an emotional wreck because of family issues, and I felt bad for being so upset.

Anyway here's my point; I never forgot what he said that day, and I still feel uncomfortable expressing my emotions! He said something along the lines of, "You're feelings are not negotiable and no one can tell you how to feel. Your feelings are yours and yours alone!"

What he said that day has always stayed with me, and even though I have trouble expressing my feelings, I never feel bad for having them! We're all human, and we are emotional beings by nature. If what we feel is directed toward a person(s), we have to express our feelings in a healthy, productive way that gets our point across. (this can be very difficult but is doable with continued practice)! If your feelings are situational, or not directed toward anything specific, finding healthy ways to express them is key, and you're doing that by writing and taking about them! If I were you, I might be inclined to hold them inside because I often feel unheard, invalid, and unsupported. (long story for another post/day lol).

Please don't feel bad about the way you feel! We're all here to listen to and support you, wherever you are on a particular day during your journey! Do you have a therapist or friend you can talk to? I think you're doing a great job with what you have! You've already taken a huge step by writing in your journal, and posting this, so good for you; keep up the good work! You can always shoot me a message if you need someone to listen!

Sending encouragement and hugs to you, if you accept/need them!

~Holly

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have to say, it might be stupid and embarrassing, and if other people knew what was in my head, they might thing I'm a complete idiot. But I actually feel better for giving in and admitting my embarrassing emotions to myself at least.

Hollybeans, I don't have any friends, but I do have a therapist. Although at the moment she's on holiday, and we don't talk between sessions. But the fact that I've recognised my emotions, and written the stuff down that was going on, and feel better for it, makes me feel hopeful that I can use therapy to make a difference to what I experience.

 

[Abstract]

I feel horribly embarrassed about that emotional side. I feel angry with myself for letting myself get like that, I feel like a complete idiot....I think I'm just childish, or it makes me feel like a child.

You certainly are not alone. I was so bad with this I realised it was stopping me getting help. Since then I have worked hard on trying to desensitise myself. Before that I thought the only problem was expressing it.

I think there are always good reason for us not being able to tolerate expressing emotions. And it normally goes back to how expressing them was met when we were young and developing. If expressing them put us in danger or we were accused of being babies or if our family never expressed emotion then we end up internalising that. And internalising leads to many unhealthy things.

And Bewitched that goes for those with PTSD or not. These issues also can develop from non traumatic abuse, neglect or just parenting that does not teach healthy attitudes to emotions. And it can lead to addictions, self harm, relationship problems etc.

People are not going to think you are stupid or embarrassing Meadowsweet. It is healthy and pro recovery.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I think something that contributes to feeling that way is that in order to open up like that it can mean being vulnerable. At least that's how it is for me. And I don't like feeling vulnerable. Opening up and talking about my feelings makes me feel really uncomfortable as a result. Depending on the feeling. Because it's really easy for me to talk about feeling angry. And way too easy for me to feel angry. But I don't think you sound like a child. I think you sound like someone who really wants to start talking but is scared. I think for those of us with PTSD that's pretty normal.

 

[Abstract]

I used to think it was mostly an ego thing for me Blackbird but it is actually rather a visceral fear. Like something is going to happen.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Like something is going to happen.

Yes for me too because so many times before when I'd been vulnerable something did happen.