Any Practical Suggestions? Work, Exhaustion, Spontaneous Si, At The End Of My Rope

[Tinyflame]

Also, I critically mis-spoke, should not have said neighbor's drinking and behviour were a 'trigger'. In so far that, the circumstances wherein the the ptsd surfaced were not because of interpersonal violence. Though granted there was some before as a child (in the sense that things done wrong to children etc are, by that nature, 'violent', I think), and also what followed the ptsd. It IS however a trigger for fear and despair and hopelessness felt during particularly frightful and similar occurences after, which involved at times threatened death. But the despair and the rest go back to what was felt/ lived through before. I have lived pain of the past almost every day in the present when the present was not the cause.

Which might also explain why the despair/anguish/SI seemed so resistant to trying to overcome it solely in the 'present'. And what happens to a person with ptsd who gets exposed to things/ something that *could* (statistically relatively frequently) cause ptsd were it not there already? I think that's what happened possibly to me. (Though I never thought I had the right to fall apart over them, and hid them). And blamed myself I guess. And ran out of means or desire or any hope whatsoever to overcome it. Totally gave up.

 

[Tinyflame]

And actually, well July 19th is when my aunt died, which I mean she made it way past what she should have, and longer than most in my family. Just that it doesn't feel like 2 years, more like 2 months/ just starting. Which is my problem of course.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not that it's the first time I've thought of it, but at some level I think I fear just being happy, or something kind of similar, whether it just be at the heart of feeling like I don't deserve it or not. And yet, a person I know mentioned today her son is hospitalized for depression. I coudn't help but think if only she knew. However, she was also very worried about it, and I thought I'm glad I didn't have any one to worry like that, or know about it. And of course, But For The Grace of God There Go I. And that illnesses etc are the pits on everyone. :(

But anyway, I also thought last years, about 8, I guess I just ended up sort of as people do with domestic violence and such, as far as how I was feeling and stuff to deal with. So that or trying to reverse beliefs that came after were along with or on top of the ptsd. So I think I was very lucky to have kindness and gentleness especially around me too. Although it takes a bit of learning for me to just trust everything is ok and it's ok just to be happy. I guess and that 'people' can be ok.

And to learn to celebrate 'progress' as am not sure I feel I've progressed that much! But maybe more so in other ways than the ptsd, the ptsd wasn't my biggest or most difficult thing to manage before this. And also it is progress (I think?) to get stable first. Sort of deal with the terror first, that was/ is a big thing, I think.

I think also my sister is trying to get the pup adopted before it should interfere with her holidays. Though granted he is a foster. So I am not sure but I guess will have to make myself a little numb about it. And perhaps some other family will have a wonderful time with him and be able to give him a much more fun life than I could.

 

[Whitneys story]

((((((((((Junebug)))))))))). I am so sorry for your loss of your Aunt. She must have been very special.

I am so happy to be here. I just posted several lines which went out to the universe.
I will catch up from computer tomorrow.

Sending healing energy and calm. :hug: Whitney We just keep trying :)

 

[Whitneys story]

We are so driven by the expectations of others to be something we are not, or don't want to be.

We have a right to choose our path. The analogy of this video gives me warm fuzzies! I hope you enjoy, Hugs, Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Whitney, :inlove: :cry: :hug:

 

[Whitneys story]

Junebug, I can't help but feel you have 6 full time jobs. How can we break down your personal priorities and those placed on you by others?

We all need boundaries and it takes time to sort them out. Past programing holds us back. By doing pros and cons of what we expect from ourself, and then what others expect of us can bring to light a focus that we choose.

JMHO I have felt a lot of selfishness around your sister and her boyfriend. Like you say it is easy to fall prey to the circumstances. It is also possible to find a respect for yourself. :) which you so deserve.

I was raised with a violent alcoholic father. When circumstances of abuse arise as with the neighbor the mind reverts to past experience. You should not need to make excuses for her behavior. Nor should you be subjected to it! It is a difficult situation but if you think she is abusing the children she should be anonymously reported. If your not comfortable with this possibly a typed, unsigned note; mailed from a outer mail area. Suggesting she get some help.

The damage to the children is not your responsibility. But the note will let her know someone is not accepting of the behavior.

You have grown so much in the last few months. Fear is the root of past programming. You deserve to rise above and find happiness even if it is in baby steps. And yes it requires stepping above our comfort zone. You are a good person, please allow yourself to feel it.

You also have the right to ignore this, there was a time I would have written your same thoughts. I just could not accept that life should be like this. Even if you gave up, you can start again.

Behemoth Hugs, Whitney

 

[Tinyflame]

The damage to the children is not your responsibility. But the note will let her know someone is not accepting of the behavior.

Dear Whitney thank you for all you have said, you are so kind. And I agree with all of what you said, and think that's a really great idea re: calling or the note. And I never thought it is the equivalent of reverting back (for myself), but of course. No wonder I/ it feels as it does. And yes it's selfishness, even more so temporary insanity wherein one can never play the 'game' because the rules always change. :( But you understand, I'm sorry for your past too. :hug:

That is so sweet to say even if you give up you can start again. :inlove:

Could I ask you what you mean exactly in the first part of the quote, about the pros and cons etc? I mean specifically do I make a list of what I expect of myself first? I only have 'wants' more than 'rights'. Or sort of know what I would wish for, but most of the expectations I'm fulfilling for someone else. I don't really have a voice. And the expectations of others, what or how exactly do I seperate what expectations they say they "don't have", even though they do? If that makes sense.

Thank you Dear whitney for your kind words and help. No I most certainly won't/ don't want to ignore it. At some level I have to change something. Or find the strength or hope and plan/ ways to try. I really appreciate it. I can't go on like this.

(((((((Sweet Whitney))))))),hugs! :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I realize my sister acts like Jekyl and Hyde when she drinks. She gets some satisfaction out of causing me pain. For example, she knows I want to keep the dog, but am resolved to accept 'whatever'. However, the first thing she did getting home was to get dozens of pictures out for his adoption, said a couple may take him as early as tuesday, kept telling and showing me despite the fact I don't want to see, frankly. Or more accurately she knows how I feel.. Then she makes plans to take the dog to the lake with her bf tuesday-(?) It would be a rollercoaster of emotions if one allows it. It's because of her rollercoaster of emotions, of which are occurring again tonight. :(

It reminds me of days past, and an old bf too, where I had to either carry on me what was important or not let it show it was important to me, or the person would destroy it, throw it out, etc, when I was away at work, etc. Things became not important or I learned how to hide that they were important to me.

I was thinking tonight that 'loss' etc, these things don't have to refer to personality disorders, but simply past experiences. As Whitney said, fears and past programming.

There was a very terrifying perod to live through 7 years ago because of this, the same thing.

It's very hard to emotionally detach in a healthy way, not just numb out. To remember I didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it, and still must live my life and am allowed to be happy, even if she is not. Very difficult. Particularly difficult when you love someone.

 

[Whitneys story]

((((((((((Junebug)))))))))). Yes, yes,yes! It is very difficult when you love some. Even harder when that person does not love their self, example your sister. She won't help herself and is dragging you down her road.

You are a survivor, we just need some tools for you to work with. You are correct you can not continue in this unhealthy environment. You deserve better.

Lets start with the puppy issue.
1. Do the two of you rent or own where you live?
2. Who found/rescued the puppy?
3. Who is caring for the puppy?
4. Who is buying/feeding the puppy?
5. Is the puppy safe at the beach?
6. Is she using the puppy as a pawn?

 

[Whitneys story]

I knew it was going to do that!

The issue is you want the puppy. What right does she have to say you can not keep it for your own pet?

Now we weigh the options for keeping the puppy. I would be afraid to let her take it to the beach. What if she loses it. I highly doubt she has anyone coming to pick it up. She is using the puppy as a mean trick.

Reviewing your answers to the questions will give you focus of what you want. And how to achieve this. You are allowed to have needs yourself. Your needs and wants are important. Your sisters actions are unacceptable, the next step is to state your case to keep the puppy for yourself.

Sharing living quarters requires respect between the parties. With the circumstances of her self medicating, she does not have a right to abuse you or your emotions because she has a problem.

If she had a medical problem it would be much easier. Have you ever considered the program offered for family of alcoholics. It is free and anonymous. Their may even be some supporters here on the forum.

By breaking issues down to pro and con we can determine what will bring focus for you of acting rather than reacting to others. We replace the accepting what is put on you, with what you choose.

One can also list the issues by seperating years or specific trauma. Going back to the 8 yr mark you have mentioned. Listing events of each year. Then doing the pro and con of what you see (try not to relive the experience) as you are in the now. Write the emotion of how an action by another made you feel. How you feel now and how you would change your action rather than accept others demands. We will find your voice!

:hug: Whitney

 

[Philippa]

I once had a boyfriend who wouldn't let me take the puppy he let me keep from his dogs litter when we met, after he threw a brick at her head on the day the twin towers came down, and I left him for good. Some people do use animals to manipulate and control the person who is their target, and some do it for the 'fun' of it...watching the other person get upset. Sick.