When You Experience Suicidal Ideation.

[cdg]

What is the best way to get through it? Through the darkest of periods?

 

[just me here]

I only know one way to get through and I use it cause it works for me. I think it is dangerous for me to tell you to do something that might not be your best route to safety even though I know it works for me. Just believe me when I tell you, there is a way to get through it and you will get through it.

As a person that has been close to the edge myself, seen the effects of suicide on family and friends first hand and responded as an EMT to some pretty ugly scenes, my best advice is to seek face to face help from a person trained to help us when we need it. They are out there waiting for you and would much rather listen to you for hours and hours than spend one second thinking that they could have helped if they had been given an opportunity. Give someone an opportunity, please.

 

[rightkindofme]

What have I done to get through my darkest periods? I write. At this point I am developing problems with my arms from how much typing I do. I go for long walks. I decide on something stupid and selfish that I want to do and I make an agreement with myself that I won't kill myself until after I _____. I play tricks where I just can't do it tonight--if I want to in the morning, ok. I haven't woken up as convinced as I have gone to sleep so I don't recommend this one for everyone.

I call suicide hotlines. I call friends. When I was a little girl I would dial random numbers and have long conversations with people about how sad I was. I go for long walks.

I tell myself over and over that this is a feeling and it will pass.

I have done a lot of cutting, head banging, promiscuous sex, and drugs. I don't think I ever hit "addict" stage with drugs. I used Ecstasy every 6 or 8 weeks for a year. The pot came later. (I think pot is saving my life these days.)

I think that any bad coping method that gets you to tomorrow is a win when you are suicidal. Baby steps.

 

[Leah123]

I write stories to get through it. I write emails to my therapist. Thank god, I can be honest with her without being reported, as long as I don't tell her I have a specific plan in mind to do it. I give myself any food at all I want, even if it's like pizza and ice cream for breakfast, if I feel the *tiniest* impulse to do anything, have anything, I try to indulge myself, just to get through a little more time. I try to rest, though it's so very hard.

And I completely agree with rightkindofme.... it's not the time to judge, it's the time to do ANYTHING that works.

 

[cdg]

Thanks for the replies. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice. I get triggered and this awful feeling adrenaline or cortisol rush goes all over my body. Its mainly when I wake up. The next 4 hrs are hell until my meds kick it. It is uncontrollable when it happens. It hurts so bad. My body hurts so f-ing bad. My brain experiences sharp pains. Its not living. Its surviving in pain for others not to be in pain. Do these horrible symptoms ever subside? Its not like I want to do it. Believe me I don't. But I can't live like this forever. I need some kind of relief.

 

[rightkindofme]

*nod* I hear you.

Are you familiar with Viktor Frankl? His book Man's Search for Meaning made me think that people can live through anything if they have something they want bad enough.

You can't live just to relieve the pain of others. You need to live to relieve your own pain. You need to make plans for *you*. Things *you* want to do to make *your* life better.

You are right. You can't live for other people forever.

 

[Life_in_the_Mist]

Yes, they do subside, sometimes when you least expect it. Take this from someone coming out of a fourteen-year long death wish. Depression tells you that you will aways feel that way, but it is a lie. What is helping me is exercise, garlic, (It's an antidepressant!) mindfulness, meditation (sitting with the suicidal feelings with compassion) and learning self-love. Not only do I not want to kill myself right now, I am actually ENJOYING my life, something I had forgotten I could do.

 

[mamachick]

Life In The Mist-a success story indeed.

I struggle with thoughts at times. I play games on computer, eat anything I want, write, anything that distracts from the thoughts, but it is tough. I went back on anti depressants and have not been bad since.

 

[cdg]

I appreciate every word. Thank you.

I just don't understand the morning issue. Why it is so bad then. I'm shaking and jerking. My head feels sore all of the time. I wake up at noon and it feels like this until it subsides from a cocktail of Trileptal, Remeron, and Ativan. If I didn't have the ativan I couldn't go on. I take it at the smallest prescribed dose. Its that bad. The physical part of it is to excruciating. I have so many responsibilities that I can't provide for. Mental anguish is bad enough. The physical symptoms are torturous. I need to know that there is an end to this. I'll take half reduction in symptoms. Anything.

 

[Raj]

My seizure meds don't help, my anxiety one helps a little. My attitude is very poor lately and yes I need to quit living just for my family, but that is how I have lived for almost seventeen years now!

Living for myself in order to lead by example would be great but I always have this picture of failure in front of me and surrender kept me from suffering more abuse.

 

[Life_in_the_Mist]

To cdg---I wonder if you are having interdose withdrawals from the Ativan. (I am on it too.) It only stays in your system for so many hours (4? 12? Something short) so you may be waking up in withdrawal after a night without it. That could account for your physical and mental symptoms.

 

[cdg]

I don't think it is that. I have experienced this the whole time. I switched from kolonopin to Ativan. I take it at the same time every day. It's only been for 3 weeks.