I Wish I Was Alone

[mamachick]

As others have said, this was an emergency that warranted the ER. Its over and the bill exists and I can see how his insistence is hurtful and frustrating, I feel guilty for my medical expenses as well. Words that make us defensive or feel guilt is counter productive.

More importantly than your being right, in my opinion, is that you took the care to do the best for yourself and that is what we all need to do-without guilt, remorse, defensiveness, or any other negative feelings about it. I have tried to be no trouble for others as long as I can remember, and over the past few years have come to resent this-which I think has led to my being a lot of trouble (unconsciously and unintentional).

I can agree with what others have said and dont want to be redundant. You are worth it and I am glad you are ok. Asthma can be very serious.

If I were in your situation, it would not be about whether the ER was the right choice. I might hear the criticism to be about a more general theme, that I did something wrong. I am a realizing that I am a ptsd-er who seeks approval and has some difficulty with criticism, particularly when I apply it and react from my past. In my past, you did something wrong really meant, you are wrong, you are all wrong. A mistake meant, you are a mistake.

You did the right thing. Be well.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

He violated your boundaries by telling you that you don't know what boundaries are!! How manipulative.

 

[mamachick]

Hi Ayesha,
I hope you are feeling better and your stress cup has gone down.

Just wanted to tell you that I thought of you often today and the situation you are encountering. Im sorry that I did not even think to ask, but I just wondered if your asthma is under control with medication now? I don't have asthma but have friends who do and hope that yours is stabilized. Hope things are better

(((hugs)))

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My husband is usually supportive, helpful and kind.

I got triggered by something and was trying to write down my feelings in my diary. Trying to work through the feelings and the grounding. Diary always helps in the past if I can do it peacefully. I know how to handle it and I can work through it.

But husband comes in and tries to talk with me about something serious. I tell him can we talk about it later, it's not a good time. But he keeps pushing it and he wont let it go. He keeps saying that we have to talk now. Telling me that I am not behaving like an adult. I tell him what I am doing and then he tries to get me to talk about both at the same time. I ask him if we can talk about it tonight or later at least. At least when I am grounded and not having a panic attack about something unrelated.

I keep telling him to talk about it later, it's not a good time but he keep saying 'let's just finish this conversation'. I told him that I am laying down my boundaries can you please respect them? Now is not a good time.

He wouldn't let it go. He only stopped becasue he got a phone call.

Being married is so stressful. :( Why can't he understand the phrase "Not now." Even 10 minutes later would have been enough. Now I am either here nor there. Stuck halfway between panic attack and grounded and now also upset about the fight.

 

[NIKI]

My husband does the same thing to me. When there is a problem and I just can not handle talking about it right now I ask, "Can you PLEASE leave me alone for a while and we can talk about it later?" He just keeps on and on with wanting to talk...which then I get more upset and start crying and yell. Sometimes I will just leave and drive to "no where" in my car. Then he tells me I am not acting like an adult. :(

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My therapist told me once that if get in a fight with your partner it's best to take a break for at least 20 minutes. So diving is a good thing, I find it relaxing.

 

[HëllaBubz]

dismissing my feelings because he just thinks I am being mentally unstable.

As I've said to my partner in the past, just because I have PTSD, doesn't make me a f*ck wit and incapable of understanding what's going on around me. Treat me like one, and I'll flatten you into the ground.
I also tell him that he needs to actively recognize the fact that I am saying NO to talking about something important because it IS important, and if I do it when I'm too stressed, I cannot give the topic the respect and time it deserves.

If he is a "logical" kind of person, explain it this way - when you are overloaded with stress, your frontal cortex - ie logical/speech/reasoning part of the brain shuts down, and the emotional memory part or "survival brain" takes over. If he wants intelligence, reason and wisdom, he needs to speak to you when that part of the brain is active, and go away when things are going fuzzy, because that means the stress is shutting down your frontal cortex again.

the more he tries in small spurts, the better your tolerance, and the longer the discussion can become. Think of it as exercising after ripping a muscle....you have to take it slowly and gradually stretch the muscle, otherwise another tear will occur.

I told him that I am too stressed to talk. I have reached my limit for the day or even the next few days. My PTSD cup is completely overflowing.

I actually found that I had to COMPLETELY blow my lid at my partner before he backed off. Sometimes the shock is the only thing that the clowns recognize!

As I've said to him, "you poke the beast with a sharp stick in an old wound, and then wonder why I snarl. I'll talk to you, and that's fine, but you have to do it on my terms, not yours. Or it's not going to happen."

 

[Anna]

Ayesha! I feel exactly the same way. I wish I could pack my bags and leave. I want to be alone as well. I long for peace and a flat, alone. I have had enough of people, and I have had enough of my family.

I know how you feel.

My partner annoys me intensly. I dread being around them. I want to be alone too.

He says stupid things as well, winds me up, is completly insensitive and moans about my illness all the time. He is not supportive in any way.

To be honest, I just want to be alone. I have had enough of people.

 

[cherryblossom]

To be honest, I can kind of see both sides. You are dealing with something and don't want to be disturbed, and possibly are in the wrong frame of mind to have a serious discussion.

But he also has something serious to talk about, that's likely stressing him out, and that he wants to get out in the open.

Does having PTSD doesn't mean that the sufferer has the monopoly on stress, anxiety and therefore calls the shots?

I don't know, I'm not in a relationship, so what do I know? I'm really just a curious bystander in this discussion.

How does a couple decide when is the right time to talk? If one person says they don't want to talk, and the other says they do - how do you decide? Talk or not talk? Does the person with PTSD get to decide every time?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

How does a couple decide when is the right time to talk? If one person says they don't want to talk, and the other says they do - how do you decide? Talk or not talk? Does the person with PTSD get to decide every time?

I was wondering that too. It doesn't seem fair does it? I mean if I am anxiety ridden for days then how can he talk to me? Not a good relationship foundation I think. I'll talk to my therapist about it...

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm sure every couple works out a way. I was just curious in case if I ever have a relationship - I might have a relationship in the future ;)

 

[NIKI]

Hi Ayesha. I know how scary it is when there are concerns about money.

Please don't feel guilty because you had to go to the ER. You were so fearful for your life...not being able to breathe. You are worth the cost to keep you safe.

I hope you are feeling better.