Relationship How To Let Him Go?

[Not.an.angel]

Finally, someplace where people will understand. I find strength here that I've not found before. You are NOT alone.
This is all new to me as I have only just made the decision to sever all ties with my ex-fiancé. I loved him with everything I had and it just meant nothing to him when he was in what he termed "the wild". I cannot fathom how I will get past the loss of such an amazing friend and person in my life. He pushed and pushed until, out of the last shred of self respect I possessed, I left. I'm lost and tired. I wish you luck and better days ahead.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

He pushed and pushed until, out of the last shred of self respect I possessed, I left. I'm lost and tired.

In many situations with sufferers that I have read and what I experienced, it seems and feels like one loses their self-respect. I know I have stopped before and wondered where my pride went and how did I let someone else's needs and happiness become so much more important than my own. It's like some supporters (myself included) tend to get wrapped up in this battle that we have to help them, be strong for them, etc. It's emotionally draining and exhausting.

One thing I have thought and I read all the time is --- he's inconsiderate, self-focused, emotionally distant, but he can be so wonderful. I know my (ex)sufferer can be so supportive, make me laugh, make me feel so loved with just a certain look. But, when he is "dark" he can make me feel irrelevant and I know I do not matter. How can one ever live long term with that and I am not sure now why I should want that. Logic at war with emotions can be hell. And it hurts and I miss him and hate how things went, but time to move on. I have to, I have no choice.

I wish everyone here the best.

 

[SRE7267]

Wow. Moving on. So real. So relevant. So hard. So necessary. I come back to this place re-reading what I wrote only a couple of months ago... and I see how ready I was to make the shift... and now the shift has occurred. I put myself first -- said what I needed to say to him... even when he didn't want to hear it and even when I felt guilty and felt like I was abandoning him. Maybe I am abandoning him on some level -- but what I do know is that I am taking care of myself for the first time. And I'm not super comfortable with that -- but it's something that I know right now is what I need to do.

We got into an argument this past week -- I actually had been drinking which is something I don't do very often at all. I called him up because I was in a not so positive place and wanted some support. At the time, this seemed valid -- to seek support from someone I have a relationship with. Looking back I see it as a bit selfish because I know that he is incapable of supporting me -- but that doesn't mean I didn't crave it in that moment after having longed for it for so long. So I sought it... and wow did I get anything BUT support. And so in my moment of having had some drinks, getting my feelings hurt and seemingly having NO filter, I just unloaded -- told him what has been built up inside me... that I loved him, respected him, would always cherish what we've had, but that I couldn't do this anymore because I would do absolutely ANYTHING for him, but that I never see or get the same respect back. And then I told him I just couldn't talk to him anymore. And even though everything I said was the absolute truth, I cannot believe it ACTUALLY came out of my mouth -- and I feel like had I not had a few drinks, I could have been much more graceful in my delivery of it. Telling him that I could not talk to him anymore was a bit too far -- he responded back re-iterating that I said I didn't want to talk to him anymore... ouch. But in that moment it was my truth. And it was what was needed to be said. Even though it hurts. I'm tired. I have so much more to say, but just wanted to get this out. For now, it's goodnight :)

 

[Sftbll2003]

I'm in the exact same boat...."How do I let him go"? I ask myself that question everyday, several times a day. Our relationship seemed perfect for 3 months but after 1 argument my boyfriend, who suffers from PTSD, ended our relationship 1 month ago. I have only had one nice conversation with him and after that a not so good conversation. I haven't heard from him since....going on 3 weeks. He will not answer the phone, text, or emails. What do I do? How do I let go? Have his dog tag and house key and he has my house key? Do I wait on him to come around? Is he keeping my key because in a way he might want to work it out? I don't know what to do!

 

[mixtapeheartache]

I haven't heard from my sufferer in 4 months. I reach out occasionally, but no response. Detachment is a difficult process and option, yet from what I have read, ultimately it is a healthy choice (in general).

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Mine started isolating 5 months ago after 2.5 years. I haven't heard a thing for 3.5 months now. No explanation, just stopped communicating. The desire to hold on is very strong. But, everyone says the healthy thing is to stop trying to apply logic to it and move on. It's extremely painful, but what other option is there really? I would have fought for him, but I can't fight him for us. I wish I understood, had some sense of closure, but it is what it is.

I'm sorry for your pain. I hope it gets easier for all of us.

 

[CateM]

Bewitched, I completely understand what you are going through. I haven't heard from my ex in nearly 3 months now and although it's getting (marginally) easier, the lack of closure is really painful and is definitely stopping me moving on. I'm so angry and frustrated, but mostly hurt by his behaviour. Ending a relationship with a lack of respect makes it so much more painful. I've never experienced this before and I hope never to again!

Not sure how to make it better!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I have never not had some sence of closure before, it makes it all so much harder. The disrespect hurts a lot and he was always so respectful - it's hard to wrap my brain around it. But, yes, slowly getting easier.

Thank you. Hope things get better for us both soon.

 

[mixtapeheartache]

It is very confusing and I generally struggle most with this sense of disappearance. The reality of the matter is, I, nor any of us, know what happened. The sense of the unknown I find quite debilitating. Most literature on PTSD suggests it means something to stick around, even if they don't respond, but most personal therapeutic approaches for your own well being is to detach.

It's difficult to come to a middle ground between two seemingly points of view. Generally, it is better to look at behavior than words. No matter what was said or done, not communicating is or responding is a clear behavior that suggest, right now, they want nothing to do with us, for whatever reason.

Difficult pill to swallow, but behavior doesn't tend to misguide very often.

P.S. I am glad I found you two. The behavior doesn't seem to bizarre anymore because you guys are experiences it too. :) My ex was gracious enough to tell me she needed some time deal with her anxiety and it would be best to be friends. We communicated for a couple weeks after that, then gone. No word. She told me she was grateful to continue to have me in her life. I didn't realize that meant never seeing or speaking to me again.

:-/

 

[JennJenn]

In so many of these posts I read things that I have said and thought many times before. Until now I felt so alone and confused. It gives me comfort to know that there is so much support for people who consider themselves supporters.

 

[aj1]

Here is what I am feeling and why it is so hard for me.

Here is a person who shared their life story with me and is hurting. If she was a stranger, I would feel the compassion and want to help. That is who I am. If she was a neighbor, I would make sure she knew I was there to help. If she was a good friend, I would start doing things to try and help. But she was someone I was building a strong connection with and in a very happy relationship with. And everything I would do for anyone else, I want to do for her 1000 x over.

And I can't. She let me go. It still breaks my heart. I was thinking the other day that knowing her has broken my heart in two places. To me, neither are her fault.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @aj1 , to say it's not (her) fault. It's hard to stick around when one feels internally like they are a bad person, or broken or contaminated, bad for another, as it were.