The Mind Just Won't Let Go

[Thinkingman85]

There are many times where I think that my mind is the actual enemy. It's not what I've been through, but the pettiness of how my mind works. No matter what I do, it always wants to hold on to the past. This has been the only time in my life when my mind can't move on. I've gone through plenty of other tragedies and continued moving. I'm just sick of it. Talking about it seems to perpetuate the illness like I'm drinking poison instead of moving on. Does anyone think that the mind tries to change you into a victim?

 

[cdg]

It certainly does feel that way. Its almost like its on the constant attack rather than protect. We have to figure out a way to heal something that is preoccupied with saving. Through manipulation. Hopefully. I struggle with the higher cognitive functions that it switches off. My decision making is controlled by the only rational part of the brain I have... My conscious. It's not supposed to work that way.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Definitely true, cdg. My subconscious mind is always wanting me to seek revenge on the people that treated me unfairly in the past. If I'm not doing it I am punished with depression, feelings of low self esteem, and anger. It is still hard to forgive them. I continually think my peers think I'm a weak person for not sticking up for myself. Then, my mind reinforces that. It's a vicious cycle. If I move on and forgive, it seems immoral... like a nerd once being picked on and he didn't do anything about it like a wuss.

 

[DMerish]

My decision making is controlled by the only rational part of the brain I have... My conscious. It's not supposed to work that way.

Interesting subject to bring up. I'm a former nurse, and was reading several academic online articles today about the matter. Short version: one article, published two days ago, said that the medical field somewhat recently was able to verify that a particular area of the brain (the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, which is the part that sends messages to the hippocampus for it to remember things) gets over stimulated during a traumatic event. That causes the hippocampus to reload (my word) memories and mess with habits. So, it become a circular thing - trauma memories invade my thoughts subtly and not so subtly, and when they do, my reasoning is distorted; my reasoning is distorted so I avoid things/situations; perpetual lack of acting from sound reasoning makes my brain work floppy/lack of focus; the memory returns and I may take action to relieve it altogether, albeit temporarily, through self-medication, which opens me up to possible chemical abuse . . .

 

[Thinkingman85]

I think the consensus is that the brain is malfunctioning. Personally, it's hard to envision living a safe and happy life because once you've been in hell you can't forget it. I'm just surprised how weak the mind is. It should be able to handle many traumatic things especially since our species has gone through so many trials and tribulations.

 

[DMerish]

I think the consensus is that the brain is malfunctioning

Yes, exactly. But why, and what can I do about it?

If I like to eat sticky sweet candy at night and don't brush my teeth or floss regularly, and my dentist tells me I've got periodontal disease, but I don't want to loose my teeth, then I'm going work real hard at giving up the candy (habit) and start brushing and flossing twice a day (habit). I'm still going to remember what sticky sweet candy is like and I'd still feel like I'd rather go to bed without brushing first, but I'll brush and floss them before I do anyway.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Sometimes, I think that the trauma has left too much of an impact that it can't be resolved. I, for example, saw the aftermath after my father had a massive heart attack. I know that he suffered immensely. And the awareness that the universe treated him as if his life and feelings were insignificant has led me to lose faith in God. Also, my older brother (who is a drug addict) subtly put me down after my father's passing... A time when I needed him the most. I took the abuse because him and my uncle were the only close family left. Still, he didn't get the memo. I left and my uncle moved in and is a supporter of my older brother (despite him wrecking two cars and buying pills online and selling them). Now, I don't have anyone because both of my parents passed away and the remaining family support an unhealthy lifestyle. My circumstance keeps my PTSD alive.

I could do as many positive things in the world as much as I want, but I know how cruel it is. I think that's why my brain doesn't want me to do anything. If everything you envisioned gets decimated and your expectations of how life should be are shattered immensely, repairing yourself seems like a hopeless cause.

Referring to the analogy you posted, my teeth didn't get cavities. They got knocked out. So brushing won't bring them back. I'm not being literal, of course.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I think the consensus is that the brain is malfunctioning.

Would it make you feel better to know that the brain is doing exactly what it is supposed to be doing? I know, it frustrates me and I want to just scream, "Well, stop it anyway!"

Like CDG, I was just reading about this. My therapist has given me some books to read to understand the therapy side. He knows that I have to understand the "why" of the way therapy works. In the book, Unlocking The Emotional Brain, (Ecker, Rick, and Hulley 2012) they echo a little of what CDG wrote, but they believe that evolution has caused us to "lock" memories and emotions that happen at times of high emotion as a survival tactic.

I guess the thinking processes we used to escape a saber tooth or crawl out of our collapsed cave (my examples, not theirs) were things our brains thought we might need later. This is just part of a much deeper explanation, but it makes sense to me. Like you, ThinkingMan, I obsess over past wrongs constantly.

Just once, I'd like to vacuum my house and think about the dirt, not the insensitive thing my mother-in-law said ten years ago. I just can't seem to let go of things the way I used to and it's maddening!

 

[Thinkingman85]

I agree with you, WillThereBeCake. I notice that no matter what I do, my brain is motivating me to leave my home city. No matter how rationally I see things, the feeling is there. This feeling causes me to not be able to focus 100% on anything. I practically never can finish anything 100%. If I did a battle against the feeling was going on the whole time. It is said that you can't run away from your problems, but sometimes I think the only way the problems can be solved is if I run away from them... as a survival instinct. The people around here aren't going to change and I tend to think that I just can't deal being around them. I feel like I'll never be respected in my home city. There will always be "something more" required in order for me to feel like I fit in. It's pathetic because I tend to feel like a weak person because I don't like so many people. Albeit, as an intellectual, I tend to see many of them as idiotic.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

Albeit, as an intellectual, I tend to see many of them as idiotic.

If you are looking for someone to tell you that your thinking is wrong, or that you shouldn't leave your hometown, don't read on :) I had the same feeling of not fitting in, even though I got along with those in my town/school just fine, as long as I can remember. I did leave as soon as I could and now, I am sooooooo glad that I did.

I won't tell you that people won't irk you elsewhere, they certainly will. I won't tell you that somehow people elsewhere are more enlightened, intelligent, more just, etc......they aren't. What I will tell you is that by leaving my hometown I was able to shake all of the expectations and associations that often dictate not only our actions, but our thinking. It may sound strange, but I shook the feeling of shared responsibility for how messed up that town was.

You will still dwell on the wrongs done to you, but physically removing yourself does at least give you a buffer to sort out your thoughts. Oh, and you're not weak for not liking people. If you truly disagree with the attitudes or behaviors surrounding you, it takes great strength to fight going with the flow.

 

[DMerish]

Referring to the analogy you posted, my teeth didn't get cavities. They got knocked out. So brushing won't bring them back. I'm not being literal, of course.

Sounds like you need "dentures" - nice shinny ones that work well. i.e. new surroundings, new impressions, new "family", freedom from being with/around negative reminders and toxic people. Nothing wrong with self-preservation.

My point was that doing something different can help. What you're talking about isn't about taking an impulsive action. What you're considering would be an act of self-preservation. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[Silver2015]

Talking about it seems to perpetuate the illness

Talking about it does perpetuate symptoms, the memory recall of the emotional and actual events and the brain brings it forth again and again. I am a survivor of PTSD SINCE 1995. I have lived with it without medication, and in the beginning with counseling. I have found thru my emotional triggers, exhausted insomnia, suicidal thoughts, depressions, rage, irritations/frustrations and flashbacks, how to deal with my own messy head and messy thinking. not that I don't' have symptoms that over whelm me, or affect my health/heart. but that I can find that small path of some happiness and some sort of ability to live with happy goals reached and peace of mind yet. was not easy. still isn't easy.

When things get stressful, hard, or frustrating....I can't get out of it, change it, or fix it. its there no matter what, my reactions are going to react and I can't hold back.
its time to "replace" as I call it.

I wrote a list of happy moments in my life, and I keep with me. what in that list that made me smile at that time, that brought on that good/positive emotions? my conversations change to talk about those moments, or to do them if they are still available to do so. I don't make friend with those that are negative by nature any more, they bring me down and I can't detach my emotions from them and I get all entangled in their issues. I have friends that laugh and joke and that has been very healing as they make me laugh too.

There was a time I felt for others and I stayed in the moment of my trauma and couldn't shut up about it, but I could not stay there in that and feel any healing's inside myself. Its hard to appreciate the sunshine, its hard to enjoy the rain, its hard to wake up smiling..but I make myself do it, I bring myself back to where it was amazing, where it was a good feeling. this is what helps me and each year I replaced more and more of the negatives with the positives and now hold to that in conversations and day to day living my life with PTSD. I stopped beating myself up, I have lessen the guilts and shame, and hold to the things that made me feel whole from past and anew each year and day .