Going Back After Isolation

[Meadowsweet]

I'm trying to rekindle an old friendship. It's a friend who knew me when I was last attacked, and still knows the people who have covered up the attack, all of whom I keep away from.

When the subject of what happened has come up, I take a little time to explain, but the first time, I politely stopped the conversation and said it was best if we didn't talk about that. Then this second time, I've had to walk away from her, because her view lacks so much understanding that it is contrary to the work I'm doing in therapy. And again I've been polite in taking time out.

But now my mind is back on what I'm meant to be doing in therapy, I would like to have that person to chat to. But I'm not sure how best to go about it.

Do I go back and pretend nothing happened, and just say 'hi, how are you'. (too avoiding?)

Do I thank her for giving me space? (too submissive?)

Do I go back and bring up why I had to walk away, in the hope that she can avoid mentioning people from the past? (too confrontational?)

 

[wicked child]

I think you handled it just right. Do not cut her out of your life, but let her see that you are not prepared to discuss this issue because of her lack of understanding. You are not asking for to much, in insisting on a little respect for your position. I hope she sees this, and becomes more user friendly.

 

[ashdawn8287]

It might be beneficial for you to explain what triggers are and help her help you.

I try to stay away from anyone that deals with my traumas. I am better off. Even the ones who silently stood there, I am just better off without all those triggers and confusion and questions. Like why didn't you help me when you knew? it is something I will never understand.

I have recently started building new friends. I was looking for good people and found a group of them. I'm in the process of beginning new relationships from a fresh start with better judgement and a different perspective.

 

[i am not garbage]

Ask yourself "WHY" do I want to reconnect with someone from that horrible time? She had nothing to do with it but did she support you after? I say leave her alone.

Thank her for what? She still hangs with people that hurt you, you are in a cycle to abuse your self. Stay away from her. Make new friends, you seem very hurt and sweet make new healthy connections ........leave that one alone.

Oh and you answered your own dilemma CONTRARY TO YOUR WORK IN THERAPY. Leave her alone.

And another thing In your post the same theme is prevalent " do I go Back......." no don't go back move forward.

 

[Abstract]

I think its worthwhile considering if there is any value in discussing that part of the past with her. Whether she is likely to be able to see it as you do and if it isn't too emotionally loaded for you to discuss this with her.

If either or both are a yes then I think it is fine to say that you think its best for you both if you presently don't discuss these people or that part of your past.

In my opinion we don't have to get every aspect of friendship or support from every person in our lives. Its likely to be a difficult and complex subject for her too (in a non trauma way). Maybe once you feel more grounded and free in the relationship and the boundaries you have set up you may feel it is safe enough to discuss it more directly. Just an opinion.

 

[circe47]

I'm kind of on the fence. If you stopped the conversation- then she would hopefully cue to the fact that the topic is off limits. If she doesn't cue, then maybe she is looking for gossip, or doesn't respect emotional boundaries that have clearly been drawn by you in steering the conversation away from the incident in question.

On the other hand, I've always had the philosophy of knowing the limits of a particular friendship. For instance, I have had friends that have not kept confidences. I don't cut that friend off- I simply didn't share sensitive information with that friend anymore. I would spend time doing stuff like going to the movies, having a casual cup of coffee, going for pedicures. At least that's what I did when I used to do those kinds of things. Now- I have one friend and the rest is family that I socialize with. I'm not as young as I used to be, so being a social butterfly is not really my thing anymore.

 

[Abstract]

Just my opinion of course but I thinking silently hoping someone is going to do or not do something almost always leads to disappointment or more. If I don't clearly state something then I tend have the opinion that I can't expect others to allow me space in the way I want. I have to accept that. On the other hand if I have clearly stated something and they go against that then I have a right to deal with it differently.

Just elaborating on my last post here: I eventually realised that my sister and I had a lot of conflict occur which was precipitated by any conversations about our mother. My sister tends to simmer away and then attack randomly and not directly and it was very damaging for me.

I eventually came to the conclusion that our mother is not a safe topic for us. We set each other off. I however did not want to totally loose my friendship with my sister as even though she is very challenging I do love her. I laid the boundary that we not discuss my mother.

She was very angry and thought I was ridiculous but her therapist backed me up and she eventually accepted it. The amount of conflict between us is a fraction of what it was before. It was sad as I had to accept she is not someone who can be there with me or for me in certain ways but it was the best thing I ever did and saved our relationship.

Not saying that this approach is necessarily right for this situation but thought I would share.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Do not cut her out of your life, but let her see that you are not prepared to discuss this issue because of her lack of understanding.

Thank you. How do you think I could say that without sounding derogative of her?

Ask yourself "WHY" do I want to reconnect with someone from that horrible time? She had nothing to do with it but did she support you after? I say leave her alone. Thank her for what? She still hangs with people that hurt you, you are in a cycle to abuse your self. Stay away from her.

This is a possibility. And worry about her intentions, as well as her acting as a spokesperson for what she's been told by others is why I left in the past (before this re-kindling). But she has seemed better this time. But when I said that I don't have anything to do with them because they supported an attacker over me, she said it was 'strange' but she's not sure that she would have done anything either.

But I understand that to stand up for whats right in that group would leave her ostracised (like me). And she isn't a bad person, but she is needy, she plays the game, and which ever side sees her get the best, she goes with. On the other hand, she is kind of honest about it. So I know where I stand with her.

I think its worthwhile considering if there is any value in discussing that part of the past with her.

That's the very reason I get myself out of the conversations. This sounds like the regular supporter complaint that its all the person with PTSD's fault for expecting too much. If I've suggested that we don't speak about it once. Then said it's effecting my health a second time. How much more can I submit?

If you stopped the conversation- then she would hopefully cue to the fact that the topic is off limits. If she doesn't cue, then maybe she is looking for gossip,

She has always been 'neutral' and learned as much as possible from listening to both sides in order to make up her mind which way to stand. So she doesn't necessarily dig for gossip, but she does dig for information.

 

[mamachick]

There is obviously something that you like about this friend to want to rekindle the friendship. I think it is important to identify what that is. In doing so, if you discover that there really is nothing positive, then time to let it go. If you are able to identify the positives in the friendship, then I think that what you are doing is fine. Practice a statement, such as "I really do not want to talk about this", and then practice it if she brings it up.

I have found that everyone will not understand and be supportive or us and what has happened to us. I think we have different kinds of friends and they are not all capable of meeting all of our needs. I have a good friend that doesnt understand ptsd, but she is ocd and perfectionist and I understand. However, if I need medical tests or problems and someone to drive me, she would be there in a new york minute. She relates to selfish daughters. We shop together and have lunch. Can laugh about ex husbands. Many qualities but she is never going to get ptsd and symptoms.

If you find the good, and feel that she is not prying or a gossip or has bad intentions, I would leave it at that. You owe no explaination.

 

[mamachick]

Sorry, posted at same time you were responding Meadowsweet

 

[The Albatross]

Me personally I wouldn't rekindle the relationship... precisely because the person is still in contact/attached to the others who were involved in this attack. My reasoning is that it would be for me, an unnecessary risk. I don't have to think or expend energy on any of the questions you pose in your initial post by my default way of thinking.

What is it you are looking for in your renewed association with this person? Why do you feel like you have to go there? Validation? Or something else?

 

[Abstract]

Hi Meadowsweet.

This sounds like the regular supporter complaint that its all the person with PTSD's fault for expecting too much.

Just checking as I am not sure I am understanding this properly. Do you mean wanting her to understand your feelings or do you mean telling her you don't want to discuss the issue with her?