For All Of You Who Are Married Or In A Long Term Relationship

[Me Myself and I]

I have got a question for you!

Have you been married or engaged in a long term relationship before or after being diagnosed with PTSD? And how did you (are you) managing?

One of the issue I have is this fear of commitment, and that was long before being diagnosed with PTSD as well.
Now the idea of relationships terrifies me, and I can't quite understand how couples cope!!

 

[stephanie44]

I will be interested in everyone's replies to this as well. I have C-PTSD and am a CSA Survivor. I have never been in a long-term relationship due to this as well as attachment trauma and fear of intimacy(in a primary relationship). I cannot even begin to describe the anguish this has caused me over the years; it has been the most painful thing I have had to deal with as an adult and my worst fear is that I will never be "healed" enough to enter into a relationship. On top of that, due to the CSA, I even question my sexuality and feel quite hopeless at times. I feel like everyone else has figured this stuff out but me and it can be a lonely place to be in at times, even when I am trying to stay positive.

 

[bell]

it has been the most painful thing I have had to deal with as an adult and my worst fear is that I will never be "healed" enough to enter into a relationship.

Ditto.

This (literally) used to be my biggest fear. Only just lately have I begun to realize: that a) it's (again, literally) up to me if I end up alone, b) there are plenty of "unhealed" people in relationships, so I shouldn't let that thought stop me, and c) all that pain I have surrounding this issue only shows that I have lots of love to give and empathy for other people.

(Sorry to not have an answer for you @Nabii nabzz... but I have a fear of commitment, too!)

 

[who am i kim]

:hug:Been married 32 years. (In sickness and health for better or worse.) My man is a saint the stuff he has had to put from me. Ptsd makes dealing with anybody difficult. The true right person will see beyond our illness and love us unconditionally no matter what.

 

[Abrasky]

I've been married 13 years, not all of it great as one of us(not me) decided to plug out of the relationship emotionally in the 10 year, or perhaps for a long time more and it effected us. My husband plugged out at a time I was learning how to need people to close to me which was double trouble. So not always the PTSD that can be bad for marriage, sometimes it is also your partner that has issues to deal with that come from his past(father who was very emotionally distant to his wife perhaps in an emotionally blackmailing kind of way don't know).

When I got married, I did not know I had PTSD. It was diagnosed the next year, and our lives were not better for it. My husband nearly left me when I spent $8000 of his savings on establishing our home. Shoppping addiction was my way of coping with the PTSD which was overwhelming me at the time. I got over it, and haven't had it for 10 years.

I'm proud that me and my husband were strong enough to keep going through it though until we got to the better times 10 years later when I was functioning well.

My husband financially supported me until the 13th year of my marriage, due to the PTSD being unable to work. Now I earn enough to support myself almost, and I help support him and our son.

Having a child also made the PTSD/marriage thing 80% more stressful. Luckily 80% of my stress had disappeared in councelling until now so it is about even now.

We cope because it is nicer to be in a stable relationship that goes on and on in your life that provides you with a lot of your needs, mostly just good innocent needs like sharing and growing together. It creates a very strong record in your memory when your married. I really have wanted this strong record as I have had a very unstable upbringing with a few good people going in and out of my life.

 

[a3a2]

I have been married nearly 20 years. Like Maze, I didn't know I had ptsd when we married. I did have to come clean on a lot of the symptoms before we married, because I couldn't hide them. Amazingly, he accepted me anyway. We have had our ups and downs, but most days he is my hero, and I am his. I have had to learn how to accept his chronic illness (this came about after we had been married for several years), and both of us have learned to manage my ptsd.

I think one really important thing I learned before I met him, was not to go into a relationship trying to change someone. And, I really examined the qualities I wanted in a spouse BEFORE I met him. And I would not compromise on most of most of them. As a result, I got the opposite of my abusive parent.

We are people of faith, and I do credit this with a good deal of our success. We strive to forgive, and strive to treat one another as we would want to be treated.

 

[The Albatross]

Soon to be 24 years for me. I did not know I had PTSD until well into the marriage. We are also a faith based couple. Both of us took our vows seriously and we've had some trials but manage, to generally be a companionate couple. It hasn't all been rainbows and unicorns, but we seem to have worked most things out. Neither of us have difficulty bonding or being committed... though both of us have intimacy issues. My spouse is a product of neglect, I was a product of abuse... it has been a challenging marriage, but our values and our obligations are generally in line. That makes things easier. He excels where I do not, and apparently he things I excel where he does not. It is a good pairing and seems durable.

To be fair, I was disinclined to commit and he waited me out for over 4 1/2 years before marriage. It took me a long time to warm up to the idea of marrying again.

 

[tryingtothrive]

I have been married for almost 10years. We have been through a lot together, A LOT! He has stood by me and supported me to the best of anyone's ability. We have learned a lot together, grown together and continue to do so.

Not everyday is easy, but no marriage is. It's work, it's a commitment and with the right person it's worth it.

I had been suppressing my trauma for years into our marriage before I could even dare utter a word about it. One day I knew I couldn't keep it inside any longer. I told husband some stuff (afraid need judge me) and he told me he wished I had told him before because I didn't need to give it from him or anyone.

Fourteen years ago I never thought I would be able to manage a relationship, let alone marriage, but when the right person comes along it's possible. Don't build walls, just gates. This way you stay protected, but you can choose who you wish to let in.

 

[nomedic1]

Been married 15 years now. Unfortunately we are emotionally detached at the moment

 

[Me Myself and I]

Unfortunately we are emotionally detached at the moment

I am sorry about that!! Hope things will get better soon between you two!!!

 

[Me Myself and I]

Thank you very much for your replies, I am somewhat less negative about commitment now than when I started this thread.

 

[twopenny]

I'm glad about that.

It needs to be the right person, but that goes for any marriage, regardless of PTSD or any other illness or issues...

My hub and I have been married for 5 years (this November), but together for 18 years this month. Yes - big time lag, because I kept turning him down (it frightened me, I think - making a formal commitment, I mean, despite the fact I was already fully committed to him in everyday life).

He's had PTSD since he was in the army, approx 22 years ago, and my doc reckons I've had it, and been showing symptoms, since I was about 10 or so, (or for 30-ish years), so we've both had it since before we knew each other, although he's been diagnosed for about 7 years, and I was just this year.

I always knew he'd been in the army, and gone to war, so it wasn't some huge surprise waiting to come out and bite me - in fact it was a relief when he was diagnosed, as it meant we could start working on making him better. And I've always been quite open and honest about my abuse and background (sometimes disturbingly so) because I'm so detached from a lot of it that it's like it happened to somebody else, so again, I think he's relieved that it's something I can get help with.

I'm sure there are times when we could both quite cheerfully get rid of the other, but thankfully, we both hang in there. Which is good, as I'm not sure what I'd do without him.