Sabotaging My Relationship

[Red Dog]

After being together for 2 years, my partner says he wants to move out. He's saying that he doesn't want to break up, that he only wants to take a step back. I don't think he would lie, but to me moving out means one step closer to breaking up and also the humiliation of everyone knowing that something is wrong.

When we started out, he moved in and I supported him financially for 1 1/2 years by working and he cleaned and cooked (I did errands and bill paying, etc.). He also suffers from PTSD and I knew when we met he hadn't worked for 2 years already because of his symptoms. I would get terrible anxiety and throw it in is face that I was the one working and part of me thought he was taking advantage of the situation even though there is nothing in his character or past that would give me that idea. He's completely trustworthy. I took out many credit cards so he wouldn't have to work.

2 years later we're still on the edge, barely able to pay our debts, but it seems to have no effect on him meanwhile I have debilitating anxiety because I hate that we are going deeper in debt. I am on disability leave so we have less income now. Then he decides we should get a dog. "Don't worry, I can borrow from my friends" is his answer. It's like he expects me to say "Yeah sure, let's spend more money we don't have." It doesn't seem like repaying the debt is a priority for him as it is for me.

I am ruining things by worrying. The constant arguing has bred verbal abuse. I feel like if I wasn't abused so badly when I was a little girl, I wouldn't be going through this right now. It's really hard for me to accept that I finally found someone I feel safe with and loves me, but I am sabotaging it. Breaking up would be a huge mistake and I know he doesn't want this either. Our relationship is a shadow of what it once was and I have faith it will get better. I have tried group therapy, counseling, books, and more. I don't know what the f*ck to do anymore.

Any thoughts?

 

[nursenurse]

You aren't sabotaging, he is. Your anxiety is being caused by this. let him try to be on his own. Two things might happen. You will realize that you are better off without him. And he might realize he was better off with you. I vote for the former. Your health is at stake.

 

[a3a2]

I am ruining things by worrying.

Or is he ruining things by not considering your feelings? He sounds quite self centered and immature. I think his moving out may be a really good thing for you. And for him. He needs a little reality therapy.

 

[Red Dog]

You will realize that you are better off without him

Thank you for writing, but I'd have to say I disagree. Being in debt is a trigger for my anxiety, but I always find out one way or the other.

I am not better off without him. I have never met anyone more loving and caring. I lack supportive relationships like the desert lacks water. There are many things in life worth more than money. He has gone through his own problems, believe me. Let's just say it he's lucky to be alive. I think his main problem is that he is so used to not planning for the future (not thinking about the future - symptom of PTSD).

Although you are right about this: it does sound like he's sabotaging as well.

 

[Red Dog]

Or is he ruining things by not considering your feelings? He sounds quite self centered and immature. I think his moving out may be a really good thing for you. And for him. He needs a little reality therapy

Yeah I have thought that, too, about him being self-centered. He wasn't always that way which makes me think that something has changed within him. The reality therapy sounds great except that he has a lot of friends that will let him crash on their couches for free and they are very generous.

Despite the recent dog acquisition, he almost never asks for things for himself like extra money to go out, new clothes, he's pretty frugal for the most part. I don't know, to some extent it makes sense what he says: why do we always want more than we have? Why aren't we satisfied with what life gives us? My partner argues that life has gotten better, but I can't appreciate it. It's true, when he finally found that job, I got anxiety about it. I even got anxiety about going on disability leave [what if I get bored? blah blah blah]. One of my closest friends said the same about me: that I complain a lot.

 

[bell]

It sounds like you and he have differing opinions on what to do with debt. Does he know that being in debt is a trigger for you?

As a sabotager myself, let me tell you I understand. And, from the way you're explaining this, you're not sabotaging this, he is. He is not taking debt seriously, and it's a serious issue. If you weren't to pay the credit card bills, would any of it blow back on him, or is it all on you?

Sometimes, if we don't suffer from consequences ourselves, then it's hard to put ourselves in anyone else's shoes. If he's not on any credit cards, could you sign him up for one and see how he likes it?

Also... be gentle with yourself. Big relationship changes are never easy. Take care of you, first.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If he can't work, is he on disability? Has he applied for assistance?

 

[nursenurse]

I stand by my first answer. My Ma had a saying, which is going to sound more disrespectful than I mean it to sound, as it is usually applied to marriage. But it is "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." And "Love flies out the window when the bills come through the door." His habits are causing you anxiety, he is not stopping even though you are doing everything. He is disrespecting you, no two ways about it, whether you and he realize it or not. You are on disability now. He has no reason to alter his lifestyle. Tell me how being with him is working for you.

Even if you think he is the greatest, your feelings and anxieties are proving otherwise. Let him be on his own. Methinks the prospect of being on your own is your greatest fear. I hope you are both in counselling, but you need to expect more from him, and you need to expect more for yourself. I wish you both luck, and I will beg off from here. Support comes in different forms, the hard truths being one of them. Read your first post, pretend you don't know the person writing it. What would you say?

 

[nursenurse]

P.S. You are not the least bit safe. Stop taking the blame for his problems, you have enough of your own to deal with. Remember that you are a vital, loving human being, and your success does not and should not ride on someone who seems to be sucking you financially and emotionally dry. That is what I see happening. Keep re-reading what you wrote.

 

[Red Dog]

If he can't work, is he on disability? Has he applied for assistance?

He is working and he makes good money, it's just that work has been slow for the last few weeks, but it has started to pick up again.

 

[Red Dog]

Even if you think he is the greatest, your feelings and anxieties are proving otherwise. Let him be on his own. Methinks the prospect of being on your own is your greatest fear.

First of all I want to say I appreciate your thoughts, but there is always more to the story than just one side, that's why I am having trouble sorting this all out: I only see my side. First thing is regarding his habits: since he has started working he has given over his entire check, therefore given me the control of his contribution and he is working as much as he can. The recent dog acquisition irks me, but in truth, we had discussed it and at first he was willing to give her away and then I said "well, maybe we could give see how it goes", by then we both started to really enjoy having here around (he is otherwise very frugal so that shows he's somewhat aware of the situation). In hindsight I should have given her away to begin with to avoid this situation.

I do feel disrespected and I can see your point there and though it's not a justification, I am pretty sure he feels humiliated by the fact that I constantly threw it in his face that he owed me even though he was at least contributing to taking care of the household duties. I know full well that he wanted to work, but couldn't and kept bringing it up week after week. Imagine suffering from horrible PTSD symptoms knowing you want to work and can't and your partner harasses you about it? Especially for a man, this is humiliating. I am embarrassed to say the actual words I used, let's just say I was very cruel. That's why I see this primarily as an issue of communication.

As for being alone, I was single for many, many years and never had a problem with it, in fact, I enjoyed the single life. I'm experienced in relationships and I'm mature enough to know that relationships like ours don't come along willy nilly. Though I will admit at first I felt the sting of my fear of abandonment, I have come to realize that taking some time apart would be good for us because it would release us both from the pressure of "making things work" and it will allow us to see how we take each other for granted and what life would be like apart. It seems to me that it is very fashionable in the U.S. especially among the younger generation to trash relationships as soon as things aren't working, but in reality this attitude could never survive a marriage let alone any other endeavor that requires commitment because anything in life that is important is going to be difficult. Treating every difficulty as an emergency is a sure fire way to failure, these situations require forbearance and understanding which are two things we've both been deficient in. It is true that it has been more difficult that we thought, but there is no marriage on this planet in all of history that didn't have difficulties of communication. I should also mention that we are from two completely different cultural backgrounds.

You are right about me taking the blame for some of his problems, I can see that I might be doing that, but as for him sucking me dry financially and emotionally...I don't feel that way about him. First, I trust that he will pay back what he owes whether we break up or not, no doubt in my mind about that. Second, I would say I suck him emotionally dry more than the other way around because I pick fights with him every day. I think that Bell had a good point, it's more that we have different priorities and he isn't taking the debt situation seriously. I think if I back off a little with the blaming and shaming, we will both feel safe enough to express what we feel. I guess it's my fault for saying that the debt has no effect on him, that was an exaggeration: he isn't happy about it, but he doesn't have anxiety like I do.

Thanks again! I appreciate the dialogue. :)

 

[bell]

@Red Dog, reading your response made me think about my reactions when I, a sufferer, was in a relationship with someone with PTSD. I often found myself minimizing what he was doing because I had so much guilt due to my own bad behavior. While a relationship can work between two people with PTSD, we (as sufferers) also need to be able to ensure we're not giving them too much slack due to our own guilt.

Where that line is exactly, I was never able to figure out. Just saying that I heard what you wrote and understand your feelings entirely. Sorry to chime in again, but all of your guilt in your post really resonated with me. And, I agree with what @nursenurse said above, to re-read what you've written. I think (hope?) you'll find that you're being way too hard on yourself here.