I Upset My Therapist

[stephanie44]

I have been struggling with nightmares related to PTSD as well as some work issues, so my doctor increased one of my meds to help with the anxiety. I hesitated about going to therapy today because I think the increase of this medication is making me feel angry. I spoke to my doctor earlier in the day and he is reducing the dosage. Anyway, tonight, while talking to my therapist about something, she said, "Why don't you let me help you?" I responded in a not-so-nice voice by saying, "I don't need you." Well, without going into all of the details, she "called me out" on the mean way I said what I said - we were able to talk about it but I know I really hurt her feelings. I don't need to "caretake" her but I care about her a lot and feel sorry for what I said. I just feel very frustrated right now and don't know what to do with the anger I feel(about my past).

 

[Pietro]

While I think it was certainly worth discussing why you felt angry and how to deal with it, I can't imagine that your therapist would take something like that personally. If she did, I would see this as a red flag. Therapists are supposed to be well-aware of the emotional ups and downs that occur in therapy sessions, and should use these as information towards helping you. If they take the "downs" personally, then they are missing the best opportunities to figure-out what you need.

At the same time, there's nothing wrong with disliking how you reacted and wanting to apologize. That's just good manners. :) And a caring heart. Just my opinion: it's up to you to deal with your behavior, and up to your therapist to deal with her reactions and her feelings.

As far as the anger you feel, I empathize. Frankly, I wish I could access more of my anger. ;) It has to run its course. I guess you have to find a way to express it that's safe and allows you to avoid targeting others with it as much as possible. Others here might have better advice on this. The times I get angry, I have a full-length punching bag and gloves hanging in my basement. That works wonders for me. Some folks, however, don't like to engage in anything that even seems violent, and this doesn't work for them, so they might try sports, for example. Others express their anger on paper through letters to their perpetrators (that they never send) and journals. Not sure if any of this is helpful, but, again, there are probably a lot of better ideas around here, somewhere. :)

 

[Hashi]

I know I really hurt her feelings.

How do you know?

Unless she actually told you that you hurt her feelings, then you don't know this. As Pietro says, a good therapist would not have her feelings hurt by an angry client lashing out. It's a normal experience for a therapist. She would probably see it as a forward step that you expressed emotion and then talked about it.

I find myself projecting a lot onto my therapist. I don't realise I'm doing it (although I'm getting more aware of it the more she points it out to me!) but I often attribute how I would feel about things to her - but it's not her feelings, it's only my feelings. That also gets mixed up with me caring about her. She's often telling me I don't need to take care of her, so your caretaking comment resonated with me.

I would talk to her more about it. For me, talking with my therapist about projection has led me to understand myself much better. Often it's been a way for me to acknowledge feelings and desires that were too difficult for me to see in myself until that happened. If it's not projection but something else, then that would be equally valuable to discuss.

Of course, if she did actually tell you that you hurt her feelings - again I agree with Pietro. That would be a very red flag.

 

[mamachick]

Therapists are people too, but I also agree with others and think that she is capable of dealing with her own stuff. I'm sure she understands. It is actually a good thing as it gives her a clear picture of how you react in situations. If she seemed to have her feelings hurt and expressed that, she was likely modeling a reaction that you would expect from others. Were you able to apologize and explain that the anger was misdirected? I'm sure her goal is to help you communicate better.

 

[DMerish]

I would talk to her more about it. For me, talking with my therapist about projection has led me to understand myself much better. Often it's been a way for me to acknowledge feelings and desires that were too difficult for me to see in myself until that happened.

I think what Pietro and Hashi have both said are quite insightful.

I think also that beginning an inquiry with "Why" (as your therapist did) can sometimes put a person on the defensive. It's such a little word, and often used very casually, but when someone's irritated, or when I'm irritated, I've often found the word not very helpful. Maybe it's just me - I'm not sure. But I wonder if your therapist had worded her inquiry differently do you think you may have responded differently?

 

[anthony]

Don't beat yourself up, as your therapist would be used to being challenged by clients. It is kind of the reason you're in therapy... having someone push back and challenge your thinking.

What to do with anger?

Actually, it's easier than you may think. Anger is a response to something else... so the trick is to simply stop focusing on the anger and instead look inwards below the anger, and you then have the answer to what is causing it. Dealing with anger is done from the cause, not from trying to release it. Releasing it is a coping mechanism, and can be done in healthy to unhealthy methods... but dealing with the cause will get rid of the anger.

So... why are you angry?

 

[stephanie44]

Great replies - thanks so much! Well, my therapist never said I hurt her feelings but she did call me out on projecting my anger on her; I do agree that I should not take my anger out on her because my anger is about what happened to me in the past. I like the idea of using boxing gloves/punching bag and have actually used these during a session. I have also used a bat and a bunching bag, which feels like a good way to release my anger. I have an appointment with my therapist today and will just be honest with her. Therapy is not always easy but it has been well worth it.