After Years.. It Just Never Ends.

[DMerish]

And why do you have the impression, that you are subhuman?...Click to expand... Because other humans have assured me that they get along just fine and that I'm using things as a crutch.

I'm not sure how your mind jumped from other people telling you that they get along just fine and that you're using things as a crutch to being "subhuman" - but let it go cuz it ain't true.

You are not subhuman. You're not superhuman either! Nearly anyone having as much on their plate as you described would be beyond their ability to handle stress well. And there are enough lies "out there" that come in the form of adverstizments, dishonest politians, the media, movies and TV shows, and false friends and toxic extended family whose message may tell us that we should be different than we are. That goes for PTSD sufferes and nons. Folks say stuff all the time.

The measure of our strengths and weaknesses doesn't make any of us less or more human. The bottom line is comparing yourself with others will just get you into trouble.

What's important is that you know yourself. What's important is that you know your truth; that you learn what your limitations are and understand them, and learn how to live with those limitations by integrating them into your life. What's important is having who and what in your life that helps you to feel you're leading a fulfilling life, and that helps you heal - what helps YOU to live the richest life possible (with whatever limitations you may have) while at the same time respecting and having compassion for others.

You are not subhuman. You're not superhuman either!

Sometimes one needs to trade in their friends for newer models.

 

[LisawithPTSD]

People who know what you're going through, people who are on this forum do not see you as weak. You are very being very strong in the midst of a crisis. Reaching out is the hardest thing to do when you are suffering from PTSD. It is hard to describe your pain, to explain it. And you are doing it. It takes a lot of strength to do it. Do not feel guilty about being so traumatized. It is not your fault.

 

[twopenny]

Stress can absolutely trigger PTSD symptoms. Hub found out he was being made redundant earlier this year, and he found out his boss was lying to him over some stuff, and it's caused his PTSD to flare up.

I think that's one of the reasons they say you never truly recover PTSD - because it changes the way you deal with stress, and certain emotions, and the way you react to things, so they can make your traumatic stress symptoms come back.

 

[twopenny]

PS - congratulations on graduating, and I'd say that makes you massively strong.

 

[Venator]

Thanks everyone. It's just so easy to let the words of others who don't wholly understand sink in.

Stress can absolutely trigger PTSD symptoms. Hub found out he was being made redundant earlier this year, and he found out his boss was lying to him over some stuff, and it's caused his PTSD to flare up.

I think that's one of the reasons they say you never truly recover PTSD - because it changes the way you deal with stress, and certain emotions, and the way you react to things, so they can make your traumatic stress symptoms come back.

Wow, yeah. As much as I hate to hear about someone else suffering, it is also comforting to hear personal anecdotes that match what I'm feeling. I feel less lonely and isolated.

There's more stress than that, I lost my boyfriend right as I was graduating though we're trying to mend but I'm very hurt right now. Don't want to go into the specifics really. I'm waiting on my second job to call me back and I'm slated to go to a symposium this weekend where I have to elbow rub with important people.

I also have recently come clean about the way I feel about some of my family members who are awful people. I have a very, very sore spot and a hard line in the sand morally about lying and manipulating and narcissism. Some of my family is like that and triggers me very badly and I have active disdain for them. I had a panic attack and called off a whole get together they wanted to have. Wanted to puke, sweaty palms, fought with my mom. But she said "Don't put this on the PTSD it has nothing to do with that." and I've been sort of reeling and second guessing myself ever since.

It devolved into screaming after that and she told me I needed professional help because clearly what I've been working through doesn't work. I'm still hurt by her words. She apologized but for some reason this sting stays.

 

[Cwolf220]

Venator- btw am proud of you. I know the pain of even moving some days. Get some sleep if you can, I try to do one thing a day at a time. Sounds silly but all my brain can wrap around rt now.

 

[twopenny]

She apologized but for some reason this sting stays.

Things do. I also have PTSD (as well as hub - my doc reckons since I was a kid). There are things that people said to me as a teenager that still sting now (on the upside, I can mostly now choose to think about them, it's not involuntary the way it was for a long time (other involuntary thoughts having taken their place)).

It's also not a fair thing to say in the first place. Any stress (from reading) can make you feel as though you're going through the original trauma again - the worse the stress (including cumulatively), or the more you link it to the original trauma, the more likely that is. I don't really think there's anything that doesn't link back to PTSD in some way, everything is affected by it, because of the way it changes your feelings and thinking (that's how it seems to me anyway).

The part I'm really, really bad at is dealing with stresses. I either get angry, (which makes people think I'm a horrid person, because 'girls' aren't meant to do that), or I run and hide. I've not had proper therapy yet (waiting list) - I've had therapy for other things, but it hasn't worked because they were wrong about what was up with me. I have to learn the whole 'dealing' part of it. That's going to be hard. The greater the stress, the greater the reaction, for me.

I'm so sorry about your dog. When one of our cats became ill and I knew he was dying I fell apart completely.

I know just how hard college is when you're dealing with this thing, (I just graduated from an HNC course, one day a week for two years, but with lots of work and outside projects) - so doing a more intense and longer course is a huge, huge deal, and something that you should be bursting with pride over.

I also think it's important to remember that having crutches doesn't make you subhuman - even "normal" (i.e. non PTSD) people have crutches - in fact I think everybody has crutches of some sort to get them through the day.

 

[Venator]

Thank you all for your kind words. I am away at a symposium until Sunday but I didn't want you to think I've forgotten about your kindness and encouragement, nor did I want you to think I'd hurt myself or anything. I will be back on Monday at the latest.

 

[StarChild]

Hi Venator, wishing you a very interesting, successful time at the symposium! But even if you should feel uncomfortable during your time there, please know, you're welcome here at any time. I'm glad, you joined this forum and opened up so bravely! Sending you my best wishes and good, strengthening vibes.:)

 

[Cwolf220]

Venator,
Hope things are going ok. You are kind of the first person to touch base w me and it is greatly appreciated.

 

[Kintsugi]

Venator. Old friend. Reading this thread makes me worry for you. I hope you remember our years-ago banter. You are very important to me in this community, girl!

I'm sorry to hear your stress has been invalidated as related to your PTSD. I've certainly been 'round that bend. It's a bad one.

Just reading about your stressors makes me sick for you. I am so proud of you and all that you've accomplished. You deserve every triumph you've achieved and more.

I just wanted to tell you that. Stay strong. You are cared for. I hear you.

 

[Venator]

@MissAntiSunshine Of course I remember, MissAntiSunshine. How could I ever forget? It wasn't until after I came here and spoke to a few of you in chat that I decided to get therapy for myself.

Anyway everyone I have returned from my symposium. I feel refreshed in that regard but am still having a tough time. I decided to do the entire event without taking any of my Xanax, and it exposed the problems I definitely do still have with social anxiety. I kept having word salad problems and was really terrified a few times. I'd pace back and forth and chicken out of talking to people at their booths, even people I've met several times and had drinks with.

It sort of occurred to me today that everything I do brings me a sort of 'fear' response. Buying clothes, going to get fitted, going to the gym, rock climbing, playing hockey with people I've been playing with for years, talking to people I know, calling them to invite them over etc. Everything is really scary feeling all the time, no matter how comfortable I get with it. I don't know if this is social anxiety but it can't be a normal feeling and I'm tired of feeling scared to do things I love. I'm sick of that 'fight or flight' feeling nearly every waking second of my life. There has to be something I can do.

I made a friend at the symposium but I am embarrassed to admit this anywhere but anonymously - He looks like my rapist except this guy is super nice and kind and a great artist. It feels so unfair for me to feel fear when I'm near him based on his look.

Thank you for your support.

Also to the moderators - I got a message saying I'd broken the forum rules by not capitalizing my I's in a previous post. I was writing the post from my crummy phone in a hotel room. Sorry for the broken rule.