Feeling Like An Absolute Failure

[noir wonder]

Hello to anyone willing to read this, I read a few articles on here and found there are some people out there like me so I'm giving this a try. I am not sure when I started feeling so down on myself,I mean I'm only 24, who would have known i would go through this so early. Im always sad and I'm always alone. I moved to Pittsburgh in 2007 to get away from Maryland. I live in Pittsburgh all by myself, no friends and no family. Desperate on trying to make it out here to do something with my life but all u seem to do is screw up. And I move in with just the wrong people because i always try to put my best for forward but end up 20 steps back.This drives me up the wall, and i put on a show at work everyday like I'm completely happy and nothing wrong. I went to school, tried the military, went back to school but no matter how hard I try it never works out.

Something always happen. What makes it worse is that I only have two brothers, one younger and the other younger. They are both married with kids happy, and I'm the only brother with no girl and no kids.as a child i was the fastest and the smartest then one day it all changed. My ex roommate turned out to be a major drug dealer and so i moved. My new roommate decided that he needs to be with his mom at the last minute so tells me through a text that i need to move so he can move his sick mom back in. Now i have to move again. Every 3 to 6 months something worse then the last always happen. I try, i tried everyday for the past 5 years to make it. When i was starving or when i homeless in 2009 winter. I tried and stayed positive.and my mom always told i could come home bit i can't accept that and its not pride. Today was going be my day for closure to end it. Then i failed at even that. Tired just really tired

 

[falling]

Sounds like you've been having a tough time with your emotions lately. It's not easy admitting that your depressed and having to 'put on a fake happy face' for others can be exhausting.

May I ask why exactly you can'y move back in with your Mom?Maybe you could move in with one of your brothers for a while?I have learned that EVERYONE needs to lean on their family at some point in their life. If you just open up about your struggles to a member of your fam' maybe you'll be surprised about how supportive they can be. Remember nobody makes it on their own without help from someone.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. We are totally a listening bunch of people. :)

 

[Anna]

Welcome to the forum :)

 

[Sterre]

I have learned that EVERYONE needs to lean on their family at some point in their life. If you just open up about your struggles to a member of your fam' maybe you'll be surprised about how supportive they can be. Remember nobody makes it on their own without help from someone.

For some people on this forum it is not possible or healthy to lean on family, because they are the abusers. Some people on here have to learn to make it without the help of their family members.

@ Noir wonder: I'm sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment. Try to hang in there. This to shall pass. Promise.

 

[Barberian]

I hope things get better for you. Unfortunately, I don't know your circumstances so it's difficult to offer any advice other than hang in there. Most people on this forum have had to deal with depression along with PTSD, it's often just another part of it. I suffer from depression also.

I know it gets old, always being depressed, but as sterre said above, and I've said to myself for decades, this too shall pass. I look forward to the little things, having given up on the big things long ago. The little victories, the bits of beauty I can find as I go through my day. The joke on the internet I stumble across as I search for the end of the internet. The funny thing my dog did trying to get my attention, etc...

Another thing I tell myself is that "I am the only person responsible for my happiness. If I'm going to be happy, I need to make it happen myself, for myself".

 

[rightkindofme]

Having to depend on other people makes everything harder. I'm sorry. People are not reliable.

If you belong here then you have nothing to be ashamed of. Something happened to you and it made it harder for you to be just like everyone else. It isn't your fault. Learning to deal with it is really hard and often requires a therapist, but don't give up hope yet. At 24 you have so much life ahead of you. The only certain thing in life is that things will change.

I deal with my depression largely by building habits that I can do while mostly not there mentally. If you have strong bodily habits you tend to be able to limp along being a little productive even when you are very depressed. It is hard. :-/

Just because you aren't married with kids at 24 you haven't missed the boat. Use this time to work on you so that you CAN be a great father when you are ready.

 

[zaniara]

Welcome to the forum! If you're not dealing drugs or putting others through abuse and violence, but you're still trying to be the best person you can be despite your past and the pain inside you're not a failure! But do you have some kind of support or a therapist? It's not a functional thing to try and heal your self on your own. I've tried to for years, and then I was always losing and ended up being even more damaged.. I needed help! And I think all of us do. But a partner is not the help needed.. So work on healing your self and the partner/family-thing will sort it self out later. You're still so very young, you have many years to start a family. But it's easier doing that and succeeding with it if you're feeling good about your self and are a person that have healed the wounds inside.

Don't let the depression get the best of you! ASK FOR HELP. And accept it. No-one is strong on his/her own!

 

[Seasounds]

Welcome, you've come to a friendly place.

One thing I heard, that was helpful to me, is that the twenties is really about Learning the basics, of all of those things, that give you the cultural knowledge, of how to engage in society, so that you can eventually, skillfully, create a stable world for yourself.

You are right there. Learning, what you like and don't like, how to spot drug dealers, and wondering, if it would be useful to lean on your family. You are successfully building a valuable skill set.

Be easy on yourself, ask for help when you need it, putting pride aside. You may discover there are people available to help you, in the 'how to get off the ground'/ living through the second decade of life. You will make it, you will find a way! Be patient, and take the pressure off yourself :)

 

[Mlle. Victoria]

Welcome :) You should find lots of support here. I'm about your age (22) and I've dealt with depression twice before, once undiagnosed. I think it's kind of difficult at our age, seeing people who start to become so successful and "move on" with their lives while you're stuck. At least for me, it's hard sometimes to imagine that things will get better to some, any degree in five or so years when five years is almost a quarter of my life. It seems like such a long time.

I can really only repeat what others said. Cherish the little victories, the things that make you smile if even for a second. They're what make life worth living. And I know it's hard to believe, but things won't always be this way. Hold on to that.

 

[noir wonder]

Well "falling" my family hasn't been nice or even pleasant about my decisions in life. I love my mother , however, we really can't be around each other for more then a week. Her way of saying she loves you when you get in an argument is throwing you out in the cold for a day or so. This way you have to beg to come back in. My older brother offered but I'm pretty smart I know how that would go and it really sucks that I know. long story short eventually my brother would have to choose between his wife state of mind of her husbands brother staying with them and the kids, then me.

Perhaps it also deals with a little bit of dignity. Besides that though Maryland is a bad place for me. Ever since I lived there I have felt caged and trapped. I don't feel like myself there. I put on a metaphoric mask only at work in Pittsburgh but I hide everything about me in Maryland. I feel chained down there, like I'm always being watched. Almost like a weird version of the "Stepford Wives". It also doesn't help that my family and I are very different. If something traumatic happens I need to talk about it and get it off my chest but my family pretends it never happened and I just don't have the patience for there narrow-minded approach.

Thank you everyone for welcoming me to the forum. :D

 

[Marie10]

I can relate so much to what you said. I too left a state where my family lives to get away from all the craziness. I too have had hard times in the state I live in now. Keep in mind, you must keep yourself safe. You are important. Can you find a room for rent and screen the person? Having a place to feel safe is key. I know, I've been homeless in my state too (actually couch surfing).

What others (your siblings) are doing is no reflection on you. As an only child I do not know but I do know how it feels to have a microscope on you and for me not being able to live up to expectations. I've had to do whatever it takes to get myself going such as certain songs.

There is so much ahead and this will pass- that is the good thing. I always listen to Baz Lurman's "Sunscreen" song.

Thinking of you.