Relationship Is It Really Over? Please Comment

[nursenurse]

It would be nice if everyone could do a face to face, but just because he owes it to you and it is the right and adult thing to do, doesn't mean he is going to do it, and that goes for the non PTSD world as well. His actions are speaking louder than his words. I think you are hanging on to a dream, and not a reality. You and your daughter deserve better, or at least she does. You will only get what you think you deserve and strive for, she did not sign on for this.

 

[Iamhere]

It would be nice if everyone could do a face to face, but just because he owes it to you and it is the right and adult thing to do.

IF he ever does come back I don't want to feel any resentment towards him. I don't want to have to shut the door in his face just because he hurt me. I just need to know it's the PSTD that's causing him to be like this.

 

[Nicolette]

I just need to know it's the PSTD that's causing him to be like this

That is something you may never know, especially not having know him pre- PTSD. You have to make a judgement call for you and your daughter.......that is all you can do at this stage as you may never get answers, clarification or closure if that is what you seek. Good luck.

 

[p-no]

I don't think anyone will be able to answer your questions as to whether he will come around or not, as to what is the PTSD and what isn't. In my opinion, you can not look at the personality and the PTSD separately. I feel (for me), they are so closely entwined that you can not be sure what is the cause of behaviour A on day 1 and behaviour A on day 2. PTSD symptoms really are normal human traits either exaggerated or understated. For example anxiety/fear. Anxiety/fear is normal, it is there to protect you, it is vital. But the level of anxiety/fear a person can have can depend according to what they have experienced in life. So the reaction to the situation that causes the anxiety/fear can be exaggerated or be too limited. I wouldn't know how to distinguish. I myself can distiinguish somewhat, sometimes. That is after roughly 20 years into treatment.

On a side note: I'm not a native English speaker and checked for an antonym of "exaggerated". No clue if "understated" is idiomatic, but I hope it's clear what I mean...

Best wishes.

 

[Iamhere]

I wouldn't know how to distinguish. I myself can distinguish somewhat, sometimes....Best wishes.

Thank you.

 

[Kintsugi]

IAH... If all those above comments said "It's just the PTSD," and, "Hold on, he'll come back," would you be questioning most posts as diligently?

Plus, if it is the PTSD... PTSD is for life, and people don't always--pretty uncommon, really-- learn to manage it in a way where it appears near-asymptomatic. So if it is the PTSD, it's not likely to change soon, and some behaviors may never change significantly.

I hope you do what is in your best interests and those of your daughter. Good luck.

 

[JarHed]

Very good advice here. I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard someone with PTSD say; 'I just want to be like I was or normal again'. The reality of it is that's just not going to happen. You have to go out and create a whole new you and a reality for that as well. I can be hard and sometimes terrible work but one can get better. Better than they are or were I mean.

Life is always a series of adjustments for everyone. How we're able to do that defines who we are and what life will be for us.

Jar

 

[nursenurse]

It's not just the PTSD. Lots of PTSD folks remember how to be kind and how not to use people. I'm not saying he is a monster, but I think you really need to look at your own motivations and see this for what it is. You will resdent him eventually if you let life pass you by while waiting. You are likely not the "One" for him and he may be afraid to tell you, one thing I noticed is that sufferers hate confrontation, it adds to that stress cup that Anthony has described so well in another cup. He has plainly told you in every way shape or form that he cannot be in the relationship. Just because you love him does not mean he loves you back in the same way. Having him may not complete your rosy picture of how life should be. Either way, I want to hear you say you will do whatever is best for your daughter, because from what I am reading here, other than finding a home for the two of you, you are letting feelings and dreams get in the way of what may be best for her.

Break ups suck no matter what the circumstances, and we do not always get what is due to us in the end, whether it be the face to face, or a reasonable explanation. When we look back on a break up, after time to grieve, we can usually see that the writing was on the wall the whole time.

 

[Hashi]

I'm confused when you say you don't want a relationship, he isn't your main focus right now. Your happiness doesn't depend on him and he pushed for a relationship, not you... and also say you love him with all your heart, how much it would pain you to leave him and how much you've invested in the relationship.

I'm confused when you say you've always given him space and not pressured him... and also say over the last month you've offered your help over and over again and he refuses to let you in.

One half of what you're saying doesn't seem to match the other half.

It sounds like you're really, really hurting. I have to be honest and say that it also sounds like you're not accepting your true feelings for him and your motivations.

Do you think I just need to be patient? And let him come around?

I think this is what you want to hear, what you want the situation to be, or something like it. I'm afraid I don't think it's realistic. That's why no-one is saying it. You can stop pressurising him, and see how things develop, but that's not the same as waiting until he comes around.

If you've read posts on the forum you'll know that a relationship with someone with PTSD doesn't work like this. Supporters don't get what they're owed, they sacrifice a great deal. Being patient supporting someone doesn't make it all come out right if you wait long enough.

If you're going to have any kind of future together, I think the first step is to accept that things are not going to happen according to the picture you may have. You may never get closure and he isn't going to "come around". Things fall somewhere in between, and you need to set boundaries and maintain your own life. If you don't have a future together, then I think you need to decide that for yourself and act on it for yourself, and let go of requiring him to say something you've decided in a way that you've decided. You can't control him but you do have control over yourself.

I wish you well.

 

[kahlan]

The thing I think I like most about this forum, is that you get realistic advise, whether or not its what you want to hear. You're not always in life going to get a pretty clean ending. Sometimes you have to decide it for yourself and just keep on taking care of yourself (and kid). I may have read wrong but he seems to be early into therapy? If so being in a relationship (good, bad, or other may very well be way more than he can handle right now. He needs to be able to focus on getting better.

Don't put your life on hold, I saw resentment mentioned earlier, if he does eventually if ever come back, theres a real chance that you will resent him and the relationship.

Work on yourself, therapy maybe,and take care of that little girl first amd formost. Don't expect anything. When he's in a better plavr and both of you still want this, great but it may very well never happen!

 

[KyGirl31]

The guy I had talked to for a year who had PTSD screwed my head up more than I have ever experienced with his coming/going and he's gone yet again now. I hope for good. I want nothing to do with him and asked him to leave me alone months ago but he kept reeling me back in. I begged him not to hurt me anymore but I realized it was me who had to draw a line and not allow him to do it again. It made me beyond sick and he was unfair and I hope to never speak to him again!

 

[KyGirl31]

What do you know, he texted yet again today and in a very immature manner..this is what he sent me"......." Just that? Trying to obviously get me to bite or respond after he just told me 5 days ago how I was crazy as hell and how I couldn't accept that we weren't meant to be...Excuse me? I can accept anything, period! Tell me you don't want me and "poof" I'm gone!

My head was in a spin for days and I refused to cry or dwell on it. I'm not gonna let this man drive me nuts! One second he wants " this" or seems too and the next I'm some stalker who apparently will go ape sh*t if the guy touches me physically... Apparently he thinks he's just that good.. I'll pass!