Anniversary Time And What I've Decided To Do.

[bell]

That's great that you clarified everything with your T!

When I'm feeling numb and feel like I need to work through things I lie on the floor and settle myself so I don't have to worry about anything related to my body (like if I was in a chair, falling off or something) and I go back into the sadness. And cling to the emotion itself and not necessarily memories, although they do crop up. Doing this makes me cry like a baby and process all the numb feelings I have inside and allows them to unthaw because I have nothing else to worry about other than the sadness itself.

I envision the sadness seeping into the floor and into the world in the form or energy and when I'm done, stand up and do something that makes me happy and calm again, like make a cup of tea.

I mention this because it brings me into my "old life" without interrupting my "new life," while also allowing me to process things in a safe space. (I think that going to the hotel is a good idea, yet it also might be hard to fully relax in a new environment like a hotel room.)

Best of luck to you as your work through this anniversary, I know they're not easy, so be gentle with yourself.

 

[franciemarnie]

I'm so glad you had good talk with T and feel good about what you are going to do!

And can I just say tears are one of the most healing things ever. I am ironically so happy when I can cry. I feel so much better afterwards and so much more in touch with numb-all-of-my-life-me.

I love Bell's approach to the sadness too.

 

[fly away home]

I am home again, it was hard, still feeling very shaky and fragile. More connected with my poor partner, he is my rock, we are communicating better now. Crying does help and it has been years of holding it back to the point where I couldn't cry even if I wanted to. The journey did hurt. There were many hard memories which were incredibly confronting. I'm not sure if I can really say goodbye forever, anniversaries bring it all back weather we like it or not. I know the guilt is here to stay, as it should be. Thanks Bell and Franciemarnie, for your kind words, it helps to know there are people out there who understand and are willing to help and share.

 

[bell]

@fly away home, glad to hear it went well and that you're back safely with your partner. Yeah, I don't think saying goodbye is ever forever, neither for people nor events. But I like to think that they all exist to make us what we are, which is stronger, better, and more authentic. The journey does hurt, but it's usually one we need to take in order to be whole and at home with ourselves.

 

[Tinyflame]

I know the guilt is here to stay, as it should be.

Dear fly away home, I think you were brave to confront it.

I do not know your story, but is it possible that the degree of guilt you assign yourself to what occurred is smaller than you believe? We cannot ever be entirely responsible for others, and we can't be held accountable for what we did not understand at the time, or perhaps never will.

Maybe the 'goodbye' can be a part of a 'good-bye' to the bad and sad memories and guilt, to allow for the reasons and memories that were why you loved this person (and I would suspect, despite what ever happened, why they loved you too).

I can't see anyone wanting you to punish yourself like that.

I hope it doesn't hurt to say that, I don't mean harm only good. Disregard if it's not helpful. And hugs if that's ok.

 

[fly away home]

Sorry its taken me some time to reply, so many thoughts flooding my brain and no way of compiling them to make any sort of sense to me let alone any one else.

Going away was a good thing to do. Personal space is such a rare thing in my life at the moment, having a young daughter, working two jobs and running a business and now on top of that I am delving into my past which has not been pretty. I have realised the value of quiet. I can see there is more of this needed in my life.

You are right Bell, I can not pretend to my self, I can never say goodbye forever. This is a part of who I am, it has shaped me so it can never be removed, forgotten or pushed under the carpet.

Junebug, I really cant go into my story, the enormity has me doubled over in shock just thinking about it. I can say that I am not the only one who feels that I am to blame. The guilt is present and justified. I would rather it not be this way but I can not change the past. What you say doesn't hurt, questioning is important so thank you for this. I am open to communication, this is why I have joined the forum!

Having a real challenge staying positive shall sit in the studio, my safe place, and create because I can breathe...if a little shaky!