Relationship Could Someone Please Help Me Interpret This?

[Badger]

I have been dating Winter (he has ptsd from severe physical and possible sexual abuse in childhood) for about a month now and Friday night he wanted me to stay over, and at about midnight he had a panic attack about it and had to take me home. I blame myself because I was too inn-attentive to the signals he was sending me about not wanting to be touched. I think he felt pressured, although I had no such intention, and I didn't read him right. I am also a sexual abuse victim, although I am not a ptsd sufferer. I cried for quite a while the next morning because I was ashamed that I could have thoughtlessly done this, although he assured me it was not my fault and says he sends mixed messages. Anyway, Sunday he sent me this text:

"I slipped back into my extremely dark place all day yesterday. I don't know what has happened to me what is happening to me or what will happen to me. I'm trying really hard to figure everything out. I can't help but feel that my presence in your life is causing you more harm than good. I don't have friends and I don't make friends because of the way I am. It is too hard for people to put up with me they get frustrated they get angry they get mad and it's the same story every time. I don't even really know what I'm trying to say because what I'm trying to say isn't coming out the way I want it to. I just need a little time to think about things and try to figure out what the hell my next step with everything in my life is. I'm sorry that I got you involved with me in the first place. I know better than to let that happen and I think I may have made a mistake. I can't think of a way to end this text so I'm just going to stop now."

What was that actually? Was I dumped? Is he trying to protect me from himself? Do I just avoid him now?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sufferer. You need to give him the space he is asking for.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I don't think you're dumped as such, no. As said above, give him the space he needs. At the moment it seems he's feeling very fragile and guilty and ashamed. I get the impression he doesn't feel like he wants to end the relationship, more that he feels like he should, for your sake. Give him a little while and see how things go is all I can suggest.

 

[Hopp]

Try to let him think by himself, but just send a message that you are there if he wants (if you want that of course). I think it is one of these things that has to happen when you have this experiece. It is difficult for me with the language, but I think the right word might be attchmentdisorder. Do you know about the theories about how we learn as children to connect to other people? When you get abused by the people who were the ones that should take care of you and protect you, you get very mixed feelings every time someone tries to show love and affection towards you. That is probably what happend.

 

[DMerish]

What was that actually? Was I dumped? Is he trying to protect me from himself? Do I just avoid him now?

I think Solara and Hopp provided good insights. It's not that you have been dumped, it's that he's confused about where he is with himself, you, other people, and life in general. This type of thing happens to PTSD sufferers somewhat often, but it also happens to non-PTSD people too. If you feel included, you could just send a short/simple message back saying something like, "I got your text and understand. When/If you're feeling up to it, give me a call and we can go from there." You may or may not receive that call, so in your own best interests move forward with doing other things in your life that are interesting and make you happy.

 

[Badger]

I did text him a response telling him the whole thing wasnt his fault and he needs to get counselling for the abuse and the ptsd. I also told him that if I have any say in the matter, he is not making my life miserable, In fact he has made it much better and I value his friendship a great deal.

 

[Badger]

So, I was wondering do you guys think it would take the pressure off if I set a few boundaries next time I talk tohim? I was thinking maybe necking only and an 11:30 curfew ;) For at least a month. My guess is thats's actually going to drive him much more crazy then it is me and it might just change his perspective a little....

 

[euca]

I like what you sent back to him. I just wanted to add that PTSD makes me feel that that I am flawed, severely, and that I do not deserve what I have. I find it very hard to accept good things and kind thoughts, and have more than once rejected compassion that would help me or be good for me. It is hard to explain to people that I really don't want gifts on my birthday or sympathy if I'm sick, I just don't want to open myself up enough to receive them in good faith. I'm sure your Winter does value your relationship (well I'm making an assumption), but as well as worrying that he is hurting you, he might just not be able to accept you. Give him space by all means but don't give up on him...your continued support and compassion might make a big difference if you can give it...just is my opinion...if it's worth anything! Good luck, I hope he feels better soon.

 

[Badger]

So we did reach my suggested agreement, which was to back off on the whole sex thing for a month or so to take the pressure off him. And just do the dating kissing snuggling friendship thing. (Some of those kisses though...) And anyway, I told him my curfew was 11pm. He was very grateful that I proposed that and hopefully it will get rid of the drama of our next dates...It should be interesting as I don't remember the last time I have actually dated someone like this. I feel like I'm a character in a Jane Austen novel.